No More Babies!?!?

Friday I was with Rachel in one of her last (Gymboree style) music classes before she starts school and transitions to more formal after-school activities.  Two of my guy friends who work on Rachel's Early Intervention team were reminiscing with me about when the twins were babies and how it is so sad they are getting bigger.  No more babies they said.  That is when I replied, "I can always have one more baby".
       

It was a very odd honest moment for me.  I don't think in my mind I've ever imagined or wanted one more kid.  But for that one moment I thought in my mind: oh it would be so much fun to be pregnant, to hold a squishy newborn, and have one more bouncing infant in a excersaucer as I worked on a report, smiling at me.  Cute baby toes and first smiles, it all came back and for the first time since I had the twins I wanted just one more chance for this opportunity! 

That moment was fleeting.  Just as soon as I thought that and said it I realized oh HELL no!  I love my instant family.  The three kids are very close and it just works for us.  They are all best friends.  In a couple of years we will be taking them to Disney and when they are in high school hopefully Europe.  The boys can be on the same sports team most of the time and I have ample time to do Rachel's dance.  Since they are all the same age, we can do so much.


Personally, I have professional goals I've put on hold to get my kids to kindergarten and more independent.  I like sleeping.  I didn't sleep through the night for 3 straight years.  The biggest reason I feel good in that choice of being done is because emotionally they already stretch me.  As the baby needs go away and the emotional support needs start coming in I realize how much I'm going to need to be there for each one as an individual.  I want them each to know both Chris and I are there for them about anything.  My friend who is a child social worker calls it a circle of security or in other words being there with them so when they want to venture away they know I am waiting there watching, and when they come back I'm there ready for them.  That is being there is harder than I think I ever thought it would be.

Even though I won't be having more squishy babies it was good for me to feel this way for  just a minute.  It reminded me of how important it is to appreciate what I have when I have it.  Time is flying and the toddlers they are today are amazing!  I need to appreciate that more.  Next month I will be having a major reconstructive surgery that includes a hysterectomy.  It is a very final act, but I knew this all along.  I almost lost my babies because my body couldn't handle the pregnancy.  I spent months in the hospital pregnant and than 2 months in a NICU seeing the twins struggle.  All that time poor Harmon was at home not understanding any of this.  We are blessed and frankly very lucky to have the kids I have.  Now it is all about moving forward as a family together and loving every moment together.