On that last day in March in just one second everything in my life changed. I still have nightmares and anxiety over what happened. I shouldn't have lived but I did. I get scared doing things I never did. Up until now I thought I was immortal. I've had my close calls with death but I never took death very seriously. Now I do take it seriously. The physical toll of my injuries have also been hard. My life changed overnight and its hard because I don't know how to be "me" anymore.
It is odd because when I was small I saw my sister go through a difficult wreck. I was just 11 yrs old. I didn't understand why she had such a tough time with things for a while, but now I get it. I wish I could have shown her more love and support.
The strain an accident puts on your marriage and your work is hard. Life doesn't stop because you stopped. I mourn the times I missed with my kids with all the doctors and the days spent in the hospital. I'm just starting to understand the pressures that were put under Chris while I was in an ICU and getting out of the hospital. I get mad thinking why didn't people help him through this. I wish more people had come out and taken some of the burden off Miriam. She was putting in 60-65 hr weeks just to give our kids a sense of normality. Those were really hard days. I felt so much pressure to get back into the thick of things but I couldn't. I was hopped out on drugs and just trying my best but I had a brain bleed and broken bones. My hands were tied.
One of the hard things for me has been the isolation. I have had friends and family seem very hurt by me because I've missed events like birthday parties. I don't think they realize how I'm still having a difficult time post-accident. I get headaches, a lot of follow up and still a lot of exhaustion. I wish they would think, "feel better, next year you will be there!" instead of being hard on me. It is weird because I'll have family or friends who come into town and they won't even ask me how I'm doing. They act like nothing happened to me. That is the most hurtful. I don't know why they act like this and I doubt they do it on purpose, but it is still sad for my heart.
There were people who did step up and for that I will be grateful. We had so many nice people bring meals for example. One mom's group I belonged to, pooled money and got us some meal delivery from Schwans which was a life saver another got together and sent cards. I had two friends who would send their daughters to the house to let Miriam off of work early. Those girls just inspire me :) I have a friend from UT who just randomly calls me through out all of this just to see how I am. Everyone at HB went and helped me do March of Dimes this year. These things all meant the world to me. The biggest treat was my mother. We have had times where we are close and times when we were not as close. Not out of a lack of love but circumstance. My mother was here every day when I was in the hospital and every week when I got out of the hospital. She cheered me up and loved my babies. I'm so grateful for her.
I hope this hasn't seemed like one big whiney blog! I don't mean it to be. I guess part of it is for my children. So they could really know what my life was like and how I'm just getting through it one day at a time. I will get through it! Things are already a lot better already. I have one more operation in August and than I'm done. I plan on being healthy for a very long time. My goal for 2013 and 2014 is no IV's. I went all of 2010 and most of 2011 with out one so it is possible! But this is a time in my life and it has been one of the darkest. When my kids have dark times like this I want them to know I've been there and like I'm enduring this, they can get through whatever faces them.
One of my favorite songs is by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes. It is called "Man on Fire". The song is just heartbreakingly beautiful. The lyrics goes as follows:
I’m a man on fire
Walking through your street
With one guitar
And two dancing feet
Only one desire
That’s left in me
I want the whole damn world
To come dance with me
Come dance with me
Over murder and pain
Come and set you free
Over heartache and shame
Come dance with me
So if you know me, please be patient with me. I've walked through Hell these last few months. Life will never be as it was but it will be good. Good things are happening but during these dark times, that is when we need others the most.