Friday, August 24, 2012

Painful Steps Toward Recovery...

I am becoming much more sentimental than I used to be.  I would always just take everything as it comes and things didn't get me down.  Now things are harder and I am becoming much more introspective on the journey.  For me I think things are over and that is the good thing.  The hard thing is just crossing that bridge now from being in a lot of pain to being well.  


This surgery was one of those that seemed doomed from the get go.  Despite all my assurances from Chris he managed to be running late for this and than got a speeding ticket on the way there.  I remember getting to the hospital and doing the pre-op.  Fortunately I don't remember much after that.  Because we were so late it did happen all very quickly.  My doctor is hilarious.  He is this older gentleman with a foul mouth and runs a mile a minute.  He ran in and said "Have you ever played hop scotch?" and I said yes so he responded, "great you won't have a problem then when I chop off your leg by accident!"  That is Dr. Harliss.  It is a good thing that I know he is an amazing doctor and surgeon or I would have left screaming but this is the man who saved my twins lives.  

I don't remember leaving Chris or the OR.  I'm grateful for that.  Seeing those lights just scare the crumb out of me.  I remember going out of anesthesia and the meds were not working whatsoever.  I started having a reaction on top of that with huge painful welts all over my body and needed oxygen until the next morning.  I knew things were going wrong but I didn't know how bad until all was done.  They had to put in a new IV and start from scratch with my treatment.  My poor mom and Chris had to wait for hours with out knowing if I was going to be ok.  



The rest of the recovery in hospital was as expected.  I argued with the nurses about treatment and my doctor backed me up.  I've come to expect that I will swell up like a pufferfish and so the challenge to get the water out quickly so the swelling doesn't affect my RA.  I was able to go home pretty much on time (it was a day longer than I wanted but well with in what was expected).  Where I think it has been much harder has been being home.  This has honestly hurt so much more than I expected.  I want to take the narcotic medication but it might make my stomach problems worse.  So I'm just really stuck sitting here and laying here in pain.  Miriam brought me lunch today b/c I think she knows I was not get up to get it.  It just hurts so badly.  

Today they took the staples out.  I think it makes sense why this sucker hurts so much.  It is hip bone to hip bone cut straight through.  Twice my c-section.  I don't feel pretty right now to be quite honest.  I feel like a bloated in pain puffer fish but I do see where it looks nicer.  My doctor keeps teasing me that I look like JLo w/o a uterus.  If it had not been medically necessary though I would not have done it.  That is when it comes down to it why I'm glad I did do this.  

That decision is still bittersweet but I know I did the right thing!  My doctor told me the day after surgery that everything was paper thin, the uterus was almost jelly like.  It all needed to be fixed.  I never would have had another successful pregnancy if I had even wanted one.  I know I didn't want one but today while getting the staples out I saw an older couple I know who are having another child.  They have a lot of children and so I was surprised to see them there.  It made me wonder again, will my mind ever change 10 yrs from now and even it does what is done is done is done.  Chris has always really wanted several kids and I guess I feel I sort of broke that dream for him.  Ironically he is the most supportive and has been vocal about me doing what is right.  It is still difficult for me though b/c I see him see a new born baby and he melts.  This was his dream that is over now and I don't take it lightly.

At this point I just have to accept I will have feelings like this but it is time to move forward.  I'm excited for this pain to end!  To be able to walk again and drive.  To wrestle with my babies.   This part of my life is over.  I did the right thing and now it is time to move on.  I've been reading blogs about others who have undergone this surgery and I realize how lucky I am.  We caught things before something bad happened.  There is no cancer or other signs of lingering disease.  I just need to move forward.

Of course I can't even move to the couch very well these days.  This is a frustrating point in my life.  So I just have to keep reminding myself that all this pain will pass and when it does my life will be better for the pain I went through.  It is time to move forward from what has been a very painful year and I am very ready!  Maybe next year we can do a nice vacation or I can start working towards some of those dreams I put off because of everything else going on.  The most important thing is that this pain will pass.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

The final step in so many ways...

I always count this year starting in December with the car crash on the eighth.  Than there was the surgery in January, got my amoebas which led to the procedure & surgery in March, and on the last day of March the big crash.  That one really did knock the wind from my sails.  These last few months I've been chilling and trying to reconnect with life.  


Than slowly it became apparent that the problems I've been having for over a year needed to be resolved. I had a choice to try more possible options but my two favorite doctors both recommended the nuclear option, a hysterectomy and at this point I'm ready to have this over with.  Since I am taking the nuclear option I am making a nice choice for myself, to fix the damage the twins did to my body.  I don't think I would be getting this part done but since I am already under the knife having my 2 c-sections it makes sense to get the rest cleaned up and looking nicely.


It is hard though.  I'm still struggling from after effects from my accident and now the idea of being in the hospital tomorrow has me so nervous.  Like I joke with Miriam all this stuff this year is too fresh in my mind to go in tomorrow and not be painfully aware of how physically and emotionally difficult this will be.  All the pain I've been through this year is so fresh in my mind, I think it might be scaring me more than this surgery really will be.  Worse I google things and so I freak myself out more.  I think tomorrow when I see those lights when I get sent to the OR I will have a full heart attack.  That is always the worse.  


I don't really want to do this surgery at all but I know at this point it is much better than another smaller one and ending up in another OR in another couple of months.  The hardest part oddly enough has been knowing the finality of never having more kids.  I knew I wasn't but I always felt a certain comfort in knowing the option was hypothetically out there.  It would not be safe medically for me to get pregnant again and honestly I have three wonderful kids.  I really do feel our family is complete but this is very final and I am mourning it.  The other day I was at Target and saw some really really cute baby girl newborn outfits in the sales section.  That feeling never again was pretty apparent.  I will never hold a new baby in my arms that is mine again.


So instead of all the fears I have I'm trying to focus in better on the joys I have coming up.  I have bought SOOOO much stuff for the twins party already (including getting a custom made piƱata).  It is in a few weeks and hope everyone just comes out. My sister though is coming and I've not seen her for Christmas, that means the world to me.  Harm started soccer and Rachel is now in 2 classes doing tap, ballet, gym, and jazz.  Cally is going to do a music class with me.  I'm trying to make goals to start writing again and maybe join a swim class to exercise.  I want to take Chris on a special trip next year.  

I really appreciate the support I've gotten.  I'm surprised I don't have friends go... again?  This year has been as hard as they get with out losing someone.  When it is all said and done though life goes on and I've got a lot to go on for.  I just need to get through all this and than we party!

Friday, August 17, 2012

Goodbyes to people who have loved my kids!


Today was a hard day. Since I'm having surgery Monday we said goodbye to our EI team officially today. We still have transition stuff but this was our last scheduled therapy day. I put together a nice lunch for everyone to celebrate such a special milestone. Here is the group except for our social worker who moved to Taos not too long ago.

Deryl FT started when they were 3 wks old and still in hospital.

Jorge FSC/DS started when they were 5 months old.

Sherrie OT was our newest team member who started a year ago

Amanda SLP started when they were 11 months

Marcia PT started when they were 6 months

This is a very special milestone.  These great people helped me handle the challenges of premature infants, Callum with severe torticollis, helped Rachel do all she has, helped me learn to navigate resources, and sometimes just talked me off the cliff.  Having 3 kids who each have had unique challenges I realize how wonderful people like this are.   Callum today has no delays.  Rachel is doing amazingly well despite her diagnoses.  I couldn't have done it on my own and these special people helped us!





Harmon had his own amazing team but only for about a year.  Ruben, Ronnie, Andrea, and a few other great people helped him in feeding therapy and community events like swim.  Theresa his OT we still keep in touch with well.  She was so great teaching me how to handle challenges that came with such a unique child.  Anytime I had a problem I would come to her and together we would research it and try ideas until there was a solution.  She taught me how to handle challenges I encounter with each of the kids. We haven't ever run into Jenny, his speech therapist even though she came to our house 2x a month for a year.  That lady was just so sweet.  Judson was a total character and used to jump over Harm's head like a gymnast.  He now works with Deryl.  His old FSC passed Bobbie passed on a few months after Harmon exited.    She was amazing.  She spent her entire life just helping kids until her last months.  I wish I had been able to do what I did for the twins team and really say goodbye better.  

Today though is chance for me to say thank you.  Even though the kids probably won't remember all the help and joy each of these special people gave them I want them to know there were special people who helped them talk or walk.  Each one has shown us so much love and I will never be able to say thanks enough for that.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

My babies went to school :(

Well today was the first day of school.  I would write more but honestly I'm just wasted.  We had an event tonight and afterward Chris and I just cuddled.  It seems like our life went from this stable drive to warp speed.  It didn't feel real at all when Chris put the kids in the car and left.  Miriam didn't come till later and that was that.  

It was a day I looked forward to so much and yet as I sat at my computer to work, my heart just broke. It was just quiet and lonely.  I cried a little.  I go back and forth between loving and hating this.  Part of me wants is like: WOHOO!!!!!  And part of me is like: where are my babies???  I just hate to admit it but gee change is really difficult for me.  This year they are all 1/2 day.  I could do full day but I'm not ready for that.  I would rather sit and moan how hard it is to balance everything and still have them at my computer saying: "mom, mom, momma, mommy, mummy... what are you doing?" than have too much silence.  

As per the kids they did well but it wasn't easy.  Harm misses the small quiet class he was in with special education.  Some of the boys were a little mean to him :(  He is not used to not being the cool kid.  Fortunately a friend's child who knows Harm at church stood up for him.  I was grateful for that.  I worry how he will do but I know this is a good step forward.  He is a smart great kid.  I know he will do this and do great.

Rachel is in the Rachel world.  Rachel world is a good happy place I'm learning.  She didn't really play with other kids but she was just so very happy.  I saw her first and she was playing with a toy kitchen.  She saw me and her little eyes just lit up: "Mommy I missed you so much, I love you!"  She jumped into my arms and than said: "I love school, I made you dinner."  I'm excited for her b/c she is going to finally get girlfriends (besides Miriam and I).  She is going to have fun finding a friend who finally wants to play dolls :)

Cally was my big heartbreak of the day.  He had tears in his eyes when I came in.  It seems like his brother was picking on him a little (at the end of the day they do recess together).  I guess if Harm is his worse problem he will do fine.  He was the most tired.  I feel like I just want to take him home and keep him with me.  I asked him: did you make friends, and he responded: "no, no I didn't!"  Later on though he told me how happy he was b/c he can do anything now, he is a big boy.


He is a big boy and they are big kids.  Monday Harm got his fingerprints on our car when he had suncreen on it.  I could have been angry but I realize they will wash off and man he is so just a great kid.  Perhaps in this situation it is Mommy and Daddy who need to be big and let their kids fly a little.  I will always think of the old poem on these days:


    Sometimes you get discouraged
    Because I am so small
    And always leave my fingerprints
    On furniture and walls
    But every day I'm growing --
    I'll be grown some day
    And all those tiny handprints
    Will surely fade away
    So here's a little handprint
    Just so you can recall
    Exactly how my fingers looked
    When I was very small

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Random Tuesday Musings (with great news)...


So in good news it doesn't look like the "hairline fracture" in my foot is serious at all.  In fact I can't get how it is fractured.  That is what I get for going to Urgent Care with as Chris calls it "the crazy doctor".  It was x-rayed and it hurt like heck but now it is doing already a 100x better.  So no boot will be needed or dramatic follow up care.  Still hurts a lot but I feel like I dodged a major bullet with no boot!!!!!!!!  WOHOO!!!!!  




Today I took the kids shoe shopping.  It was a MISERABLE experience.  First I couldn't be dumber.  I had a 10 am and Miriam wasn't coming till 9 am.  So we didn't even get out the door till 9:20 leaving us really 20 minutes to shop for three small kids.  I should have thrown that idea out.  Harmon decided he HAD to try on every pair of girl's Twinkle Toes Skechers shoes.  He started screaming at us when I told him no.  Rachel than started whining b/c "I don't wear sneakers I'm a princess" and Cally who is the chill of the three didn't fit in either the 7's or the 8's and they don't sell 1/2 sizes at Kohls.  I love my kids but gee they are just fashion pains.  Harm either has to have the tacky character clothing or he is a cross dresser.  Rachel thinks she is Paris Hilton with a budget to match and Cally well he had to pee several times.  Later when I was out and by myself obviously I went and just grabbed everyone the shoes I wanted them to have.  Gee, why do I ever take them shopping?

Speaking of things why do people like McAllistar's Deli?  We had a $50 gift card so we keep trying this place out.  Each time we go we say never again but the gift card still has money on it so we keep going.  Chris and I went there for lunch. We stood in line for 20 minutes.  It took another 20 minutes to get my meal.  The sandwich was sorry looking and it had Mayo, which I'm allergic so it had to go back.  The replacement at least had extra bacon.  Seriously I wish we had stopped at the Andale's Burrito cart on University.  That place made me long for Subway... that is sad.  May we never get another gift card there so we don't go again. If I do get one though sadly we will be back.


Tonight was Girl's Night for my church.  I had never gone to this before.  I have another set of ladies I do Girl's Night with who I ended up meeting through a Mom's Group.  I always wanted to do this one but b/c they do it on the weekdays I'm just too wasted normally.  But this was good timing and it was fun.  The odd thing was that I've not really seen any of these ladies since the accident.  Man I'm becoming a hermit :p  It is hard.  Things just are still not the same for me since the accident.


It's late and it has been a random Tuesday... I iz going to bed!

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Take that Cerebral Palsy!

We have not had a ton to celebrate this year but Saturday we celebrated.  For those who are newer to the blog you might be surprised to know that when Rachel was just over a year old she was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy. 


For those who remember the post I was pretty devastated.  In one day I woke up with my little girl dressed in her Longhorn cheerleader dress just perfect in every way to suddenly having doctors tell us that she was permanently and severely disabled.  The best doctors in the state were telling us things like she might have trouble learning to talk or write.  We had social workers having us fill out forms for disability resources and our home became therapy central: physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy, etc.  came in weekly to the tune of 40 service hours a month.  I had to throw away her cute shoes and get fitted with baby orthotics.  


Faced with this reality I amended my dreams for her.  Instead of hoping to put her dance and watching recitals I told myself she would find her own path in life.  I realized in those days I shouldn't worry what I thought my kids life would be.  What matters is giving them the best chances possible.  Fast-forward and in time she learned to talk and do a lot of the things we worried CP would hold her back with.  She grew out of her orthotics (picture above shows them) and so we decided to try a new type of therapy which is called Kinesio Tape (look closely in the picture below and you can see the pink tape on her legs which is a special athletic tape we apply every three days).  We tape her muscles to help strengthen them.  


The challenges CP causes are apparent in each milestone.  Rachel falls often and has trouble with muscle control.  It makes for challenges in learning new things like talking and holding a pencil.  What amazes me though is to be quite honest, with good intense therapy we have been able to overcome most challenges.  I attribute that too Rachel.  Ironically because she has hypertonia (tight muscles in her arms and legs) we noticed she could do things other kids couldn't like hang upside down with her legs on the monkey bars or with her little arms.  It was odd to see how something so disabling could also provide unique talents.



I should have known that the doors I closed she would re-open.  Miriam and I started a year ago watching a show called Dance Moms.  Rachel decided she would be a dancer like Paige or Chloe from that show.  She would ask me to record it and than when I would replay the dances she would dance in our living room.  Thinking this was just a stage we pretty much let the year go by and we would let her watch the show, she would dance, and she was happy.  Than she started choreographing dances with specific steps and movements.  It was when I realized that she really did want to do this.  She would dance for long periods of time and go over steps: wiggle wiggle, slide this way, slide back, jump, clap clap, etc.  She would get mad if she forgot a step.  In her informal gym classes she learned to do little cartwheels and loved to do what the big kids could do.


So against the odds Rachel is now officially the youngest at her gym and dance studio.  She takes ballet and than gym.  She just started this weekend and it is official, I'm a Dance Mom.  I'm just so proud.  I can't believe she is doing it and the best part is that she loves it.  She has been convincing me for a year to start her in class.  Her teacher was surprised how on day one she was doing everything the teacher told her to do.  She never wandered away like other 3-5 yr old girls do.  She didn't want to leave the dance studio when dance was over and than the same at gym.  


I don't know if Rachel will still want to dance years from now.  But where a year ago I thought the chances of her dancing in New York were impossible now who knows...  I am starting to realize every day there is no doctor who can determine a child's fate.  There is not a label we can place on kids.  It is up to our children to carve their own dreams.  I know things are a challenge for Rachel.  I see her struggle sometimes with a body and a mind that is just not working together.  But it is her heart that doesn't give up or get discouraged.  She doesn't think she has anything wrong with her and that the sky is the limit.  For that reason I know CP isn't going to stop her.  Nothing is impossible for my daughter and no longer will I ever shut a door of opportunity for her.


Friday, August 3, 2012

Take Paradise, put up a parking lot...



I should be working right now.  I have so much to do.  Instead I was listening to the radio and I heard Counting Crows "Big Yellow Taxi" song.  The chorus always starts:


Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got til its gone
They paved paradise 
And put up a parking lot


Two things struck me as ironic.  We own a building company.  I hate to admit it but I'm one of those people who pave paradise and and build parking lots.  That is depressing.  


The other thing that struck me today was how quickly life is passing.  I hope I'm not overlooking all the wonderful things my life has, while I'm busy putting up parking lots.

Thoughts on Mom's and daughters!

Today was filled with a very nice surprise.  My mom did the drive down to Cruces from El Paso and spent the late afternoon and evening with us.



I was already on my way to lunch with Chris when I got a text that my Mom was coming.  She came weekly after the accident but since than we have all been getting back into our normal routines and I don't see her as much.  So of course I dropped everything after lunch and it was a special afternoon.  We went swimming in our pool with the critters and than I took her to dinner in Mesilla.  We talked and laughed.  


We also talked about how she wishes she had done more as a mom and I told her now that I'm a mom I realize how much harder it is to be there for children.  My mom raised us in the midst of some serious things going on.  I think as a child I didn't realize what she went through.  I just thought about what how I wish she would be there for me.  Now I realize that she really did do the best any mom could.  I see what I go through and I know I'm trying but I realize how hard it is for my kids.  They don't get why mom gets sick.  Why mom goes to the hospital or takes so many pills.  They don't understand when I'm pounding on my computer furiously struggling to make a deadline.  They just want me to sit and play with them.  



It makes me grateful I had a mom who tried so hard.  She wasn't perfect but she tried and since the accident she has stayed by my side.  It has meant so much to me.  It teaches me two things which is: I hope my kids will understand one day why I can't always be there as I'm growing to understand and the second thing is that it makes me realize you never out grow the feeling of needing your mother!  My mom in many ways never really had a mom and it amazes me how she handled such adversity and still raised us with such love.




Tonight when we were driving home my mom talked of faith and mentioned a song that she loves.  She is not LDS but loves a hymn called "Come Thou Font".  She mentioned when she dies she wants me to play this song for her.  In my will I've asked for this same song to play at my funeral.  I joked with her at this rate I might beat her.  After all she is not that old honestly and she is so dang healthy I'm not too worried to lose her anytime soon, but it did remind me that losing your parents is part of life normally.  It reminded me mainly how special the time we have here together is.  I'm so grateful to have my mommy by my side helping me raise my kids.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Getting off on the wrong foot!

So Monday I broke my foot... but I didn't just break my foot..  Instead I broke a small bone that connects my middle toe to my foot.  It is that bone that sort of sticks out.  How?  Well, juice is bad for you.


Seriously it was funny because I was going to have Miriam help me shop but I realize she is leaving soon so I wanted to do it all on my own.  It is hard for me to lift heavy things and bending so when I go regular shopping it is pretty tiring.  I would much rather shop for fun things.  Anyhow I was putting things up and I dropped a heavy container of Motts for Tots on my foot.  Of course it flipped so the point of impact was the lid and it directly onto that little bone giving it a very small hairline fracture on bone 10.




It isn't that big of a deal in the grand scheme, at least it isn't the broken shoulder/brain bleed combo of a few of months ago.  I do feel a little cheated.  It is like the cosmos knew I wanted a nice August before the big surgery and it had to go spit on me a little.  I have a brace and wrap.  Today Miriam helped me find a shoe that fits over it all so I'm able to ditch the crutches a little which is a must for me so it doesn't flair the RA in my messed up hands.  Mainly I need to stay off of it.  That is just really depressing.  I have so much to be active for right now :(  



On the bright side Chris has been a total sweetie to me and so have the kids.  Rachel kisses my foot every hour and Cally serenades me while I'm resting on the couch.  Harmon was awesome he got me a cone of ice cream.  He went with Miriam and insisted she get me one too. He affixed it with a 100 sprinkles.  It is funny b/c after x-rays and doctors on Monday we all went for ice cream.  I've had it each day since.  Life could be worse!

Friday, August 24, 2012

Painful Steps Toward Recovery...

I am becoming much more sentimental than I used to be.  I would always just take everything as it comes and things didn't get me down.  Now things are harder and I am becoming much more introspective on the journey.  For me I think things are over and that is the good thing.  The hard thing is just crossing that bridge now from being in a lot of pain to being well.  


This surgery was one of those that seemed doomed from the get go.  Despite all my assurances from Chris he managed to be running late for this and than got a speeding ticket on the way there.  I remember getting to the hospital and doing the pre-op.  Fortunately I don't remember much after that.  Because we were so late it did happen all very quickly.  My doctor is hilarious.  He is this older gentleman with a foul mouth and runs a mile a minute.  He ran in and said "Have you ever played hop scotch?" and I said yes so he responded, "great you won't have a problem then when I chop off your leg by accident!"  That is Dr. Harliss.  It is a good thing that I know he is an amazing doctor and surgeon or I would have left screaming but this is the man who saved my twins lives.  

I don't remember leaving Chris or the OR.  I'm grateful for that.  Seeing those lights just scare the crumb out of me.  I remember going out of anesthesia and the meds were not working whatsoever.  I started having a reaction on top of that with huge painful welts all over my body and needed oxygen until the next morning.  I knew things were going wrong but I didn't know how bad until all was done.  They had to put in a new IV and start from scratch with my treatment.  My poor mom and Chris had to wait for hours with out knowing if I was going to be ok.  



The rest of the recovery in hospital was as expected.  I argued with the nurses about treatment and my doctor backed me up.  I've come to expect that I will swell up like a pufferfish and so the challenge to get the water out quickly so the swelling doesn't affect my RA.  I was able to go home pretty much on time (it was a day longer than I wanted but well with in what was expected).  Where I think it has been much harder has been being home.  This has honestly hurt so much more than I expected.  I want to take the narcotic medication but it might make my stomach problems worse.  So I'm just really stuck sitting here and laying here in pain.  Miriam brought me lunch today b/c I think she knows I was not get up to get it.  It just hurts so badly.  

Today they took the staples out.  I think it makes sense why this sucker hurts so much.  It is hip bone to hip bone cut straight through.  Twice my c-section.  I don't feel pretty right now to be quite honest.  I feel like a bloated in pain puffer fish but I do see where it looks nicer.  My doctor keeps teasing me that I look like JLo w/o a uterus.  If it had not been medically necessary though I would not have done it.  That is when it comes down to it why I'm glad I did do this.  

That decision is still bittersweet but I know I did the right thing!  My doctor told me the day after surgery that everything was paper thin, the uterus was almost jelly like.  It all needed to be fixed.  I never would have had another successful pregnancy if I had even wanted one.  I know I didn't want one but today while getting the staples out I saw an older couple I know who are having another child.  They have a lot of children and so I was surprised to see them there.  It made me wonder again, will my mind ever change 10 yrs from now and even it does what is done is done is done.  Chris has always really wanted several kids and I guess I feel I sort of broke that dream for him.  Ironically he is the most supportive and has been vocal about me doing what is right.  It is still difficult for me though b/c I see him see a new born baby and he melts.  This was his dream that is over now and I don't take it lightly.

At this point I just have to accept I will have feelings like this but it is time to move forward.  I'm excited for this pain to end!  To be able to walk again and drive.  To wrestle with my babies.   This part of my life is over.  I did the right thing and now it is time to move on.  I've been reading blogs about others who have undergone this surgery and I realize how lucky I am.  We caught things before something bad happened.  There is no cancer or other signs of lingering disease.  I just need to move forward.

Of course I can't even move to the couch very well these days.  This is a frustrating point in my life.  So I just have to keep reminding myself that all this pain will pass and when it does my life will be better for the pain I went through.  It is time to move forward from what has been a very painful year and I am very ready!  Maybe next year we can do a nice vacation or I can start working towards some of those dreams I put off because of everything else going on.  The most important thing is that this pain will pass.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

The final step in so many ways...

I always count this year starting in December with the car crash on the eighth.  Than there was the surgery in January, got my amoebas which led to the procedure & surgery in March, and on the last day of March the big crash.  That one really did knock the wind from my sails.  These last few months I've been chilling and trying to reconnect with life.  


Than slowly it became apparent that the problems I've been having for over a year needed to be resolved. I had a choice to try more possible options but my two favorite doctors both recommended the nuclear option, a hysterectomy and at this point I'm ready to have this over with.  Since I am taking the nuclear option I am making a nice choice for myself, to fix the damage the twins did to my body.  I don't think I would be getting this part done but since I am already under the knife having my 2 c-sections it makes sense to get the rest cleaned up and looking nicely.


It is hard though.  I'm still struggling from after effects from my accident and now the idea of being in the hospital tomorrow has me so nervous.  Like I joke with Miriam all this stuff this year is too fresh in my mind to go in tomorrow and not be painfully aware of how physically and emotionally difficult this will be.  All the pain I've been through this year is so fresh in my mind, I think it might be scaring me more than this surgery really will be.  Worse I google things and so I freak myself out more.  I think tomorrow when I see those lights when I get sent to the OR I will have a full heart attack.  That is always the worse.  


I don't really want to do this surgery at all but I know at this point it is much better than another smaller one and ending up in another OR in another couple of months.  The hardest part oddly enough has been knowing the finality of never having more kids.  I knew I wasn't but I always felt a certain comfort in knowing the option was hypothetically out there.  It would not be safe medically for me to get pregnant again and honestly I have three wonderful kids.  I really do feel our family is complete but this is very final and I am mourning it.  The other day I was at Target and saw some really really cute baby girl newborn outfits in the sales section.  That feeling never again was pretty apparent.  I will never hold a new baby in my arms that is mine again.


So instead of all the fears I have I'm trying to focus in better on the joys I have coming up.  I have bought SOOOO much stuff for the twins party already (including getting a custom made piƱata).  It is in a few weeks and hope everyone just comes out. My sister though is coming and I've not seen her for Christmas, that means the world to me.  Harm started soccer and Rachel is now in 2 classes doing tap, ballet, gym, and jazz.  Cally is going to do a music class with me.  I'm trying to make goals to start writing again and maybe join a swim class to exercise.  I want to take Chris on a special trip next year.  

I really appreciate the support I've gotten.  I'm surprised I don't have friends go... again?  This year has been as hard as they get with out losing someone.  When it is all said and done though life goes on and I've got a lot to go on for.  I just need to get through all this and than we party!

Friday, August 17, 2012

Goodbyes to people who have loved my kids!


Today was a hard day. Since I'm having surgery Monday we said goodbye to our EI team officially today. We still have transition stuff but this was our last scheduled therapy day. I put together a nice lunch for everyone to celebrate such a special milestone. Here is the group except for our social worker who moved to Taos not too long ago.

Deryl FT started when they were 3 wks old and still in hospital.

Jorge FSC/DS started when they were 5 months old.

Sherrie OT was our newest team member who started a year ago

Amanda SLP started when they were 11 months

Marcia PT started when they were 6 months

This is a very special milestone.  These great people helped me handle the challenges of premature infants, Callum with severe torticollis, helped Rachel do all she has, helped me learn to navigate resources, and sometimes just talked me off the cliff.  Having 3 kids who each have had unique challenges I realize how wonderful people like this are.   Callum today has no delays.  Rachel is doing amazingly well despite her diagnoses.  I couldn't have done it on my own and these special people helped us!





Harmon had his own amazing team but only for about a year.  Ruben, Ronnie, Andrea, and a few other great people helped him in feeding therapy and community events like swim.  Theresa his OT we still keep in touch with well.  She was so great teaching me how to handle challenges that came with such a unique child.  Anytime I had a problem I would come to her and together we would research it and try ideas until there was a solution.  She taught me how to handle challenges I encounter with each of the kids. We haven't ever run into Jenny, his speech therapist even though she came to our house 2x a month for a year.  That lady was just so sweet.  Judson was a total character and used to jump over Harm's head like a gymnast.  He now works with Deryl.  His old FSC passed Bobbie passed on a few months after Harmon exited.    She was amazing.  She spent her entire life just helping kids until her last months.  I wish I had been able to do what I did for the twins team and really say goodbye better.  

Today though is chance for me to say thank you.  Even though the kids probably won't remember all the help and joy each of these special people gave them I want them to know there were special people who helped them talk or walk.  Each one has shown us so much love and I will never be able to say thanks enough for that.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

My babies went to school :(

Well today was the first day of school.  I would write more but honestly I'm just wasted.  We had an event tonight and afterward Chris and I just cuddled.  It seems like our life went from this stable drive to warp speed.  It didn't feel real at all when Chris put the kids in the car and left.  Miriam didn't come till later and that was that.  

It was a day I looked forward to so much and yet as I sat at my computer to work, my heart just broke. It was just quiet and lonely.  I cried a little.  I go back and forth between loving and hating this.  Part of me wants is like: WOHOO!!!!!  And part of me is like: where are my babies???  I just hate to admit it but gee change is really difficult for me.  This year they are all 1/2 day.  I could do full day but I'm not ready for that.  I would rather sit and moan how hard it is to balance everything and still have them at my computer saying: "mom, mom, momma, mommy, mummy... what are you doing?" than have too much silence.  

As per the kids they did well but it wasn't easy.  Harm misses the small quiet class he was in with special education.  Some of the boys were a little mean to him :(  He is not used to not being the cool kid.  Fortunately a friend's child who knows Harm at church stood up for him.  I was grateful for that.  I worry how he will do but I know this is a good step forward.  He is a smart great kid.  I know he will do this and do great.

Rachel is in the Rachel world.  Rachel world is a good happy place I'm learning.  She didn't really play with other kids but she was just so very happy.  I saw her first and she was playing with a toy kitchen.  She saw me and her little eyes just lit up: "Mommy I missed you so much, I love you!"  She jumped into my arms and than said: "I love school, I made you dinner."  I'm excited for her b/c she is going to finally get girlfriends (besides Miriam and I).  She is going to have fun finding a friend who finally wants to play dolls :)

Cally was my big heartbreak of the day.  He had tears in his eyes when I came in.  It seems like his brother was picking on him a little (at the end of the day they do recess together).  I guess if Harm is his worse problem he will do fine.  He was the most tired.  I feel like I just want to take him home and keep him with me.  I asked him: did you make friends, and he responded: "no, no I didn't!"  Later on though he told me how happy he was b/c he can do anything now, he is a big boy.


He is a big boy and they are big kids.  Monday Harm got his fingerprints on our car when he had suncreen on it.  I could have been angry but I realize they will wash off and man he is so just a great kid.  Perhaps in this situation it is Mommy and Daddy who need to be big and let their kids fly a little.  I will always think of the old poem on these days:


    Sometimes you get discouraged
    Because I am so small
    And always leave my fingerprints
    On furniture and walls
    But every day I'm growing --
    I'll be grown some day
    And all those tiny handprints
    Will surely fade away
    So here's a little handprint
    Just so you can recall
    Exactly how my fingers looked
    When I was very small

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Random Tuesday Musings (with great news)...


So in good news it doesn't look like the "hairline fracture" in my foot is serious at all.  In fact I can't get how it is fractured.  That is what I get for going to Urgent Care with as Chris calls it "the crazy doctor".  It was x-rayed and it hurt like heck but now it is doing already a 100x better.  So no boot will be needed or dramatic follow up care.  Still hurts a lot but I feel like I dodged a major bullet with no boot!!!!!!!!  WOHOO!!!!!  




Today I took the kids shoe shopping.  It was a MISERABLE experience.  First I couldn't be dumber.  I had a 10 am and Miriam wasn't coming till 9 am.  So we didn't even get out the door till 9:20 leaving us really 20 minutes to shop for three small kids.  I should have thrown that idea out.  Harmon decided he HAD to try on every pair of girl's Twinkle Toes Skechers shoes.  He started screaming at us when I told him no.  Rachel than started whining b/c "I don't wear sneakers I'm a princess" and Cally who is the chill of the three didn't fit in either the 7's or the 8's and they don't sell 1/2 sizes at Kohls.  I love my kids but gee they are just fashion pains.  Harm either has to have the tacky character clothing or he is a cross dresser.  Rachel thinks she is Paris Hilton with a budget to match and Cally well he had to pee several times.  Later when I was out and by myself obviously I went and just grabbed everyone the shoes I wanted them to have.  Gee, why do I ever take them shopping?

Speaking of things why do people like McAllistar's Deli?  We had a $50 gift card so we keep trying this place out.  Each time we go we say never again but the gift card still has money on it so we keep going.  Chris and I went there for lunch. We stood in line for 20 minutes.  It took another 20 minutes to get my meal.  The sandwich was sorry looking and it had Mayo, which I'm allergic so it had to go back.  The replacement at least had extra bacon.  Seriously I wish we had stopped at the Andale's Burrito cart on University.  That place made me long for Subway... that is sad.  May we never get another gift card there so we don't go again. If I do get one though sadly we will be back.


Tonight was Girl's Night for my church.  I had never gone to this before.  I have another set of ladies I do Girl's Night with who I ended up meeting through a Mom's Group.  I always wanted to do this one but b/c they do it on the weekdays I'm just too wasted normally.  But this was good timing and it was fun.  The odd thing was that I've not really seen any of these ladies since the accident.  Man I'm becoming a hermit :p  It is hard.  Things just are still not the same for me since the accident.


It's late and it has been a random Tuesday... I iz going to bed!

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Take that Cerebral Palsy!

We have not had a ton to celebrate this year but Saturday we celebrated.  For those who are newer to the blog you might be surprised to know that when Rachel was just over a year old she was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy. 


For those who remember the post I was pretty devastated.  In one day I woke up with my little girl dressed in her Longhorn cheerleader dress just perfect in every way to suddenly having doctors tell us that she was permanently and severely disabled.  The best doctors in the state were telling us things like she might have trouble learning to talk or write.  We had social workers having us fill out forms for disability resources and our home became therapy central: physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy, etc.  came in weekly to the tune of 40 service hours a month.  I had to throw away her cute shoes and get fitted with baby orthotics.  


Faced with this reality I amended my dreams for her.  Instead of hoping to put her dance and watching recitals I told myself she would find her own path in life.  I realized in those days I shouldn't worry what I thought my kids life would be.  What matters is giving them the best chances possible.  Fast-forward and in time she learned to talk and do a lot of the things we worried CP would hold her back with.  She grew out of her orthotics (picture above shows them) and so we decided to try a new type of therapy which is called Kinesio Tape (look closely in the picture below and you can see the pink tape on her legs which is a special athletic tape we apply every three days).  We tape her muscles to help strengthen them.  


The challenges CP causes are apparent in each milestone.  Rachel falls often and has trouble with muscle control.  It makes for challenges in learning new things like talking and holding a pencil.  What amazes me though is to be quite honest, with good intense therapy we have been able to overcome most challenges.  I attribute that too Rachel.  Ironically because she has hypertonia (tight muscles in her arms and legs) we noticed she could do things other kids couldn't like hang upside down with her legs on the monkey bars or with her little arms.  It was odd to see how something so disabling could also provide unique talents.



I should have known that the doors I closed she would re-open.  Miriam and I started a year ago watching a show called Dance Moms.  Rachel decided she would be a dancer like Paige or Chloe from that show.  She would ask me to record it and than when I would replay the dances she would dance in our living room.  Thinking this was just a stage we pretty much let the year go by and we would let her watch the show, she would dance, and she was happy.  Than she started choreographing dances with specific steps and movements.  It was when I realized that she really did want to do this.  She would dance for long periods of time and go over steps: wiggle wiggle, slide this way, slide back, jump, clap clap, etc.  She would get mad if she forgot a step.  In her informal gym classes she learned to do little cartwheels and loved to do what the big kids could do.


So against the odds Rachel is now officially the youngest at her gym and dance studio.  She takes ballet and than gym.  She just started this weekend and it is official, I'm a Dance Mom.  I'm just so proud.  I can't believe she is doing it and the best part is that she loves it.  She has been convincing me for a year to start her in class.  Her teacher was surprised how on day one she was doing everything the teacher told her to do.  She never wandered away like other 3-5 yr old girls do.  She didn't want to leave the dance studio when dance was over and than the same at gym.  


I don't know if Rachel will still want to dance years from now.  But where a year ago I thought the chances of her dancing in New York were impossible now who knows...  I am starting to realize every day there is no doctor who can determine a child's fate.  There is not a label we can place on kids.  It is up to our children to carve their own dreams.  I know things are a challenge for Rachel.  I see her struggle sometimes with a body and a mind that is just not working together.  But it is her heart that doesn't give up or get discouraged.  She doesn't think she has anything wrong with her and that the sky is the limit.  For that reason I know CP isn't going to stop her.  Nothing is impossible for my daughter and no longer will I ever shut a door of opportunity for her.


Friday, August 3, 2012

Take Paradise, put up a parking lot...



I should be working right now.  I have so much to do.  Instead I was listening to the radio and I heard Counting Crows "Big Yellow Taxi" song.  The chorus always starts:


Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got til its gone
They paved paradise 
And put up a parking lot


Two things struck me as ironic.  We own a building company.  I hate to admit it but I'm one of those people who pave paradise and and build parking lots.  That is depressing.  


The other thing that struck me today was how quickly life is passing.  I hope I'm not overlooking all the wonderful things my life has, while I'm busy putting up parking lots.

Thoughts on Mom's and daughters!

Today was filled with a very nice surprise.  My mom did the drive down to Cruces from El Paso and spent the late afternoon and evening with us.



I was already on my way to lunch with Chris when I got a text that my Mom was coming.  She came weekly after the accident but since than we have all been getting back into our normal routines and I don't see her as much.  So of course I dropped everything after lunch and it was a special afternoon.  We went swimming in our pool with the critters and than I took her to dinner in Mesilla.  We talked and laughed.  


We also talked about how she wishes she had done more as a mom and I told her now that I'm a mom I realize how much harder it is to be there for children.  My mom raised us in the midst of some serious things going on.  I think as a child I didn't realize what she went through.  I just thought about what how I wish she would be there for me.  Now I realize that she really did do the best any mom could.  I see what I go through and I know I'm trying but I realize how hard it is for my kids.  They don't get why mom gets sick.  Why mom goes to the hospital or takes so many pills.  They don't understand when I'm pounding on my computer furiously struggling to make a deadline.  They just want me to sit and play with them.  



It makes me grateful I had a mom who tried so hard.  She wasn't perfect but she tried and since the accident she has stayed by my side.  It has meant so much to me.  It teaches me two things which is: I hope my kids will understand one day why I can't always be there as I'm growing to understand and the second thing is that it makes me realize you never out grow the feeling of needing your mother!  My mom in many ways never really had a mom and it amazes me how she handled such adversity and still raised us with such love.




Tonight when we were driving home my mom talked of faith and mentioned a song that she loves.  She is not LDS but loves a hymn called "Come Thou Font".  She mentioned when she dies she wants me to play this song for her.  In my will I've asked for this same song to play at my funeral.  I joked with her at this rate I might beat her.  After all she is not that old honestly and she is so dang healthy I'm not too worried to lose her anytime soon, but it did remind me that losing your parents is part of life normally.  It reminded me mainly how special the time we have here together is.  I'm so grateful to have my mommy by my side helping me raise my kids.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Getting off on the wrong foot!

So Monday I broke my foot... but I didn't just break my foot..  Instead I broke a small bone that connects my middle toe to my foot.  It is that bone that sort of sticks out.  How?  Well, juice is bad for you.


Seriously it was funny because I was going to have Miriam help me shop but I realize she is leaving soon so I wanted to do it all on my own.  It is hard for me to lift heavy things and bending so when I go regular shopping it is pretty tiring.  I would much rather shop for fun things.  Anyhow I was putting things up and I dropped a heavy container of Motts for Tots on my foot.  Of course it flipped so the point of impact was the lid and it directly onto that little bone giving it a very small hairline fracture on bone 10.




It isn't that big of a deal in the grand scheme, at least it isn't the broken shoulder/brain bleed combo of a few of months ago.  I do feel a little cheated.  It is like the cosmos knew I wanted a nice August before the big surgery and it had to go spit on me a little.  I have a brace and wrap.  Today Miriam helped me find a shoe that fits over it all so I'm able to ditch the crutches a little which is a must for me so it doesn't flair the RA in my messed up hands.  Mainly I need to stay off of it.  That is just really depressing.  I have so much to be active for right now :(  



On the bright side Chris has been a total sweetie to me and so have the kids.  Rachel kisses my foot every hour and Cally serenades me while I'm resting on the couch.  Harmon was awesome he got me a cone of ice cream.  He went with Miriam and insisted she get me one too. He affixed it with a 100 sprinkles.  It is funny b/c after x-rays and doctors on Monday we all went for ice cream.  I've had it each day since.  Life could be worse!