So I'm about 3 wks out of the accident and 4 months since the drama llama came to town. I keep saying it but I really don't know how to process all of this, so tonight I'm writing about it. I'm a bit fed up by it all to be honest. I want to be back to my normal quirky perky self! I want to soak in my tub for 45 minutes reading. I want to grab my daughter and give her a bear hug or go chase my boys and attack them with kisses. It is the little things that remind me of everything. It has all been very difficult but to be honest there are also many positives. This is a mix of both.
One positive has been the day to day at home. Miriam is such a sister but except we don't fight over clothes. Our goal has been to get the kids back on schedule. Even though we are not getting as much help as we could, we both want the kids to feel secure and that is calmness and routine at home. I know it is more work for her but it is also nicer for all of us. We know each other well and there is no awkwardness. Even one handed I've been getting back in the game as much as possible and it is getting better. It has been very healing for the little ones to have that sense of normalcy during the day. We all have a lot of fun, even the DMV was great just us all being together. It is hard for Miriam but I know for her the main thing is that she just wants me back to my normal healthy happy self. I hope that happens soon, so she can go lay on a beach or visit something fun!!! One day when she has her own family I hope I can pitch in a little too.
It has been a little rocky with Chris and I. I don't think he realizes what this is like. I know he loves me. I think he has never gone through any of this. He is like, okay we did the almost dying thing... back to life! I don't blame him in a way because he never got a break. The joke is that when I was unconcious or dealing or on a morphine vacation he was the one sitting there worrying about everything. It is tough though because I just sort of want that attention from him and there really isn't time for that. I wish we had a job where you could take leave after a tragedy for a few days here and there until things were better. I think that is why Clinton did FMLA but there isn't leave when you are part of family business. It is hard to heal though when you are in line for priorities after stone for a showcase home and and training new super-intendants. I wish the world could slow down for us but it seems worse than ever b/c you know being ICU takes time and now there is so much that piled up on top of some really unrealistic goals to begin with. We just don't know how to figure out to prioritize the "musts' when everything is a must.
One fun thing has been my in person friends and my virtual friends. I really can't say enough. Some of the ladies on my online community got together and arranged some Schwan's frozen food so we could have ready to go stuff on hand. They also got me gift cards for things like gas when I have to commute to El Paso for doctors, food, iTunes, etc. My favorite was my cod-pitcher. Too funny! Miriam, Rachel and I just played with it listening to the sounds it makes and laughing. It was just really beyond kind and thoughtful. My friends locally are also just rounding around me. We are lots of fresh meals The young ladies in my church come over and be my right hand in a way so Chris can work late. They are just so cute. I love being around them and they work hard. I hope my kids take after some of these great girls. They have it going on. My family has also been so sweet helping and my mom's visits are total hoots. I really miss our Las Cruces Mom's group. I can't wait to start seeing everyone again.
The big news health-wise is that I need to have hand reconstruction. This seems odd to me personally b/c my hand hurts but the shoulder hurst much worse. That is part of the doctor's concerns. The nerve endings are supposedly severed and the joints are shattered. It might be my thumb, index, and middle. For sure my right index finger will need to be rebuilt. I knew it was coming but it is just such a kick in the gut b/c I am feeling better and stronger. Can this be over with yet????
My biggest issue will be telling the kids that mommy will be in the hospital and have to go again. I don't want them feeling I come and go as I please. I know that isn't the case and this is not my choice but it is hard for kids to understand that sort of thing. I can't feel guilt over thing beyond my control but when it comes to being a parent and you can't be there, I don't know to not feel bad about that. They don't understand why I have an ouchie and can't take them swimming. Why I'm tired a lot lately. They shouldn't have to understand these things. But they do have to go through them and for that my heart breaks for them. It is one thing when it happens to you as an adult but to see your kids worry is just crushing for me.
Personally coping with it all has been hard. I had very mild PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) with the ordeal of the twins. For quite a while afterwards the slightest cough would freak me out. I couldn't let the temperature in the home be below 82 or use formula Ieft out for 10 minutes on the counter with either of them. I would get scared if someone wanted to touch one. Everything really unnerved me and the fear of not knowing each day in the NICU if they would make it, stayed with me a log time.
I'm feeling similar issues today. Loud noises scare me. Being in a car has me unnerved. Just with the 3 critters I'm really really over protective. I've been having a lot of nightmares already from everything and when people keep asking over and over what happened that is hard too b/c it just emotionally drains me. The idea of going back to another hospital and having another surgery just felt like a punch to the gut. Being in another hospital, more anasthsia, weeks of no hand used, etc. just is getting me down. I'm normally pretty brave but I feel like Emo-Kitty wanting to go hide under my bed than jump into this with a giant shout of COWABUNGA!!!!!!
To help I started trauma counseling right away! My counselor is great and helped me know these feelings are normal. He is helping me learn to deal with each issue and overcome those irrational fears. At this point in the game I'm glad to not be alone on it all. I'm learning to take all of this piece by piece rather than trying to cope on my own with EVERYTHING. I thought being in counseling each week just for me would be very awkward and I would want to suppress some of my real feelings, but it hasn't. I had tried it a couple times previously but I was scared to open up. Now I'm really happy to just be open about the total suckage of what has happened and why I'm struggling. When I leave I feel like I'm just moving forward and it is peaceful. It is something I need to do right now. Also he loves cats more than I do and if someone loves cats that much he can't be all that bad :p
Another cathartic device has been writing and reading. I love learning and creating so this has meant a lot to me. I'm reading plays all day long and I'm expressing myself privately through journaling, play writing, and creating art work. It is a part of me that I sort have had dormant in me but lately has played a large role in bringing peace to my life. Some people have hobbies like cooking or mountain biking. This is mine. I'm updating my computer tomorrow with better software, streamlining, email, and things like that. This way I can have more time for myself. I'm trying to also read more of my scriptures and sit and relax. I didn't do things for myself before this happened so it is really important now that I do learn to do it!
So if you got this far reading I'm pretty impressed! Things are good, please don't worry about us. It is hard but life goes on. I'm lucky to have great kids, great friends, great family, and of course great pets. It is a rare time in my life I'm beginning to realize. In a couple of years this will all just be a big old memory. I just need to come to terms with it all and in time all my losses will be made whole!