Tomorrow is my birthday and so poor Chris has been planning my party for days now. We did have a wonderful time w/my family in El Paso getting together but it is hard to celebrate right now. I keep going through feelings of acceptance to anger to denial to sadness and back again. Chris also is grieving. It is funny b/c the whole time Rachel just goes around smiling her perfect smile as if telling us: "relax, it isn't a big deal... I'm a superstar and will overcome anything including this!"
So what do you do? I have taken up cleaning as a hobby and the number one recipient of this cleaning has been our pets. We have two AMAZING furry animal family members: Bob the cat and Mackenzie the dog. So I clipped Mackenzie, de-ordorized their bedroom (aka the laundry room), and even scrubbed the litter box. I would have done the rest of the house but we actually keep it clean. I guess I just haven't wanted to deal with it all too much. I don't want to research cerebral palsy horror stories on the web. I don't want to do fluffy Facebook stuff or message board notes. I want to talk to friends and family about this but at the same time I don't know how to reach out.
So I cleaned and clipped my way so I wouldn't think about everything. Tomorrow I have to rearrange appointments and meet w/therapists and specialists. I have to decide what therapy she needs and with whom we should do it with. I promised myself I need to get over my feelings b/c if Rachel isn't sad than I sure as heck have no right to walk around moping.
Tomorrow is my birthday and all I want is peace. This has been a hard 2 months for our little family and I just want things to turn around. I want Chris and I to be able to laugh and not worry about EVERYTHING that has been crushing us. I want to get good news about Rachel and for her to get the best help possible. I want Cally to keep those steps up and really start walking! I want Harmon to feel at peace and just be happy. I want to stop spewing green mucous all over my clothing and I want to breathe again. I want Chris to feel "caught up" with everything. We need a break. We need support more than ever and we need some good things to follow this storm. So is that too much to ask for my birthday?