But that isn't the point of this entry! Rather it is about those rare moments as a parent where you don't particularly like your child. I realized today it isn't because you don't love your child or you are a bad mom. After many months of struggling with Harmon and his Special Needs (and talking to other moms in similar circumstances) that feeling really frustrated is ok.
Today for example something went off for him and set off a full out melt down that involved 45 minutes of crying, biting, and trying to assault Rachel with a fire truck. Eventually I got him calmed and all was better but during that time I will admit I was frustrated!!!! I just want to tell him: "I need to feed you lunch. I need to feed the twins. Just get over it!". But I know in my heart he isn't programmed that way and I need to be patient. That is the hardest thing about not just being a parent but being the mom of a child with special needs. You always have to stay calm and remember that the reason why they are doing what they are doing is in part because of their special needs and is out yours and his control. I really don't think I can explain how difficult having a special kid like Harmon is, hour by hour can be a trial somedays. But along with those trials, come many wonderful blessings and I wouldn't have my Harmon be any other way!!!!
Even when Harmon is just being a normal kid and marking my brand new purse with permanent marker I can be temporarily frustrated with him. I will always love and like him but sometimes I won't love the predicament he has caused and I won't like his choices. It doesn't make me a bad mother to say "I don't like that" unless I start to forget what a great amazing kid he is and harbor resentment instead. These feelings apply to the twins as well. I think it applies to all relationships.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Edit: Last night I had stayed up late trying to get things ready for today. Harmon jumped in my bed first thing and did something he has never done before, told me "I love you". I will never forget this moment after waiting so long to hear these words. Like I said last night, I would never trade him for anything because when you have a child with special challenges I believe watching him overcome them is the sweetest blessing.