I'm getting to the point where at the start of January and August rather than excitedly looking forward to all my new classes I feel rather that I'm about to face-plant off a cliff.
It started this last week with the University reopening after being closed for the holidays and the gym re-opening as well. The kids started school as well. Sometimes I wish I could just stay home like we did for two weeks. It was so nice and peaceful. I love my work both at the university and at the gym but it is incredibly time consuming and while school is hard, I know working towards my goals are important too.
The sad truth is that if I worked less Chris would probably be on my case more at home (than he already is) about cleaning and other past times I dislike. If you ask him me and the kids have been too lazy for his taste. Financially we would also suffer. So it's back to the grind! I will miss the joy of having time to paint my toes with Rachel and build legos with Harm or just staying in bed late watching house flipping shows with Cally.
No matter what I do finding time to be a mom first is always my priority. I guess in a perfect world the rest would follow easily. Of course it's not perfect and that's life!
I always love Halloween but since my mom's funeral was that same week it was a wash for us but for funsies here are a couple of shots of what we did.
The best part was Rachel. All of her girl cousins were Disney Princesses (each one) but no my daughter wanted to be scary. She was the cutest scary bones I've seen! But I loved Harmon in his Harry Potter. He choose that because he is currently on book 4 and being a geek just like my mom he loves to read. Than of course I can't say Harm and Rach were the best because Cally took his Wolverine so seriously! It was so cute.
This year there were funeral flowers rather than decorations. No costumes for me and no parties at the house. Maybe next year. But I'm grateful the kids had a great time and thats all that matters.
In early September I was offered a great opportunity, I'm doing graphic design and marketing for the School of Hotel Restaurant and Tourism College at NMSU. It's been great. I'm not used to having a real office in an office building yet, after working from my couch for five years; but it's an amazing opportunity and everyone is wonderful. I get paid to do art. It's so cool! So find us on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter ;) But that's not my only cool thing!
The dance program at Gym Magic has been disjointed since our wonderful Miss Jackie had to step back as head of the program about two years ago (although she still teaches Rachey on Saturday). So I was asked if I wanted to teach a technique class since my first degree was in Theater and Dance. I have a tiny little class and they are dollies. It's not easy to dance even basic things with my RA but I am so grateful that with all the treatment I can do enough so the girls can follow and do it along with me. I cursed those meds all Summer but I wouldn't be able to do this with out them. Still, nothing stops me from tub soaking for an hour when I get home in Epsom Salts. The best part is having Rachey in my class. She loves me so much and she tells all the girls that I can love them but I'll love her more, and she is soooooo right!
In the next few weeks I am going to be deciding if I want to do the dance thing more and relaunch their program. With everything that has happened it's been hard as hell to focus on my grad school. I'm grateful for these two bright spots in my life.
So my doctor in El Paso had a big frank discussion today with me. My blood tests showed some numbers that were lagging and some lost weight. I got the whole, "I can treat your symptoms with medication but if you're not taking care of yourself it doesn't matter." Afterwards I took a walk in my mom's cemetery and stumbled upon a section for small children and babies who had passed. It made me think about close I was to losing Rachey and how precious each of my children are.
It made me realize that the only thing that has kept me going are my angels here on earth with me. I don't know where I would be if it were not for them. When I'm with them, each of them makes me smile. I have to fix boo boos and break up toy fights. They need balanced meals and warm clean clothes. I watch them at the gym just nailing their jumps or I talk to their teachers and hear how they are being kind to other students. We eat yummies and just always cuddle.
The fact is that you can't blame the flu on sadness but my doctor is correct. Eating well and taking better care of myself is something I need to do more of. But what she might not know is that I do have a magical elixir that has and will keep me going. It won't be easy and it's not easy but I am grateful everyday for all my little joys.
For anyone who reads this blog or knows me in person, knows that I am a HUGE fan of Halloween. Like Harmon told his teacher the other day, we do Christmas, Hanukah but our real holiday is Halloween. This year though I haven't done much of anything and what I did do was more going through the motions for the sake of the kids than wanting to do it.
My mom in late September was transferred to a nursing home, the only one her insurance would approve and unbeknownst to me she was being neglected. I don't know if I could ever forgive myself for not knowing. She was transferred to Del Sol Hospital the first week of October with pneumonia, MRSA, bedsores, and severe bladder infection. After 2.5 weeks treating her there, there was nothing left to be done. As medical power of attorney I made the difficult decision that she either die in a hospital in far east El Paso or we move her to Las Cruces in Hospice care, basically giving up any other major medical intervention.
About 10 days later with her family all around her she died. I was there those final moments and when she passed I could almost feel her joy in the room. I knew she wasn't in pain anymore and she was happy. I have full faith in Heaven and in God that we will be reunited again. After all of that was funeral planning, she was buried in 48 hrs, and than services were held last Wednesday.
Now I'm sort of just trying to recover from all the shock. Part of me wonders wants to just quit my job and school and take time to grieve. The other part of me knows that will only make this so much worse if I do. But I've not had time to grieve. Since this started I've taken on so much responsibility to try and care for my mom and now that she is no longer here I realize everything I've lost. She was my best friend. We were like really weird twins who shared the same heart and now that she is gone my heart is just broken and empty. She was only sixty five and way too young. She got sick on July 22, having been perfectly fine just days before hanging out at my house and she died on October 23. Almost in three months her life filled with love and beauty just quickly burnt out and it makes no sense to me.
I know she doesn't want me wallowing in grief but I am hurting and grieving. I've gone through so much in life and minus a couple of hiccups the only person that I've always been able to depend on was my mother. No matter how horrible things got together we could laugh and smile through anything. The thing that is keeping me going are my babies. They are so wonderful and I know with them I will make it through this time. Caring for them while helping my brother and father has been cathartic. I know I will move on, I just don't think I really know how to at this point.
If you have seen me looking frazzled or worse if I have canceled plans on you (sorry Amanda, Chenchie, etc) several times, this week it is because there has been a whole lot going on with my mother. I've not blogged too much how things are because, to be honest, it's hard for me. Today I will try.
My mother was transferred to the El Paso LTAC Hospital. At that time we had disconnected her from life support and we were waiting and watching if she would emerge from her coma. I guess at that point I was preparing myself for her imminent death or her miraculous recovery. Despite being a perfectly levelheaded human being I don't think I ever prepared myself for a middle ground. One in which she neither died or fully recovered.
Yet as the weeks and days have come by everything is hard. I'm seeing her muscles go into atropy and while she opens her eyes and will even nod at times she doesn't wake up enough to talk or sip on a straw. I just wish it would get better, it would get easier for her. I wish she could go home and be here with my babies, watch some tv and get to know what it felt liked to be hugged or even have a doughnut again.
I worry now that she is transferred to a long term nursing home facility on the far Eastside of El Paso that she will be forgotten. It is over a hundred and twenty mile roundtrip from my home. It sucks because I wish I could be there daily. My heart breaks every day and despite time, it doesn't get any easier. The pain just feels worse. I feel like part of me is dying with her. I want there to be a miracle but maybe I lack faith because in my heart I just have this feeling I must accept things as they are.
She is now in a great facility. If anyone here is local in El Paso please contact me for more information. I still pray. She is a fighter and the most wonderful women I've ever known in my life. I just pray every day that she might regain more function and we can improve her quality of life further.
My father is a total absolute football fanatic and so the term redshirting was something I was always familiar with. It was always an important decision Texas longhorns made each season with their newest recruits. It was the question of are they ready to play now or will they benefit by sitting out and preparing to play for one season so that when they start they really are ready to serve the team best.
When we had the twins Redshirting took on a whole new meaning. I loved their due date of October 24. It was perfect. They were supposed to be my little pumpkins and it would be safely into the zone like Harmon is where you don't worry about your child being the oldest or youngest in the class.
Of course God always has other plans and they were born on August 28th. A few days shy of the September 1st cut off to begin school in TX and in NM. That left us with a choice. First we decided that since I had nieces and nefews born that same week (6 of the 7 grand kids in my family are born the last week of August, Harm is our sole rebel) and they all started at age four going on five. So the babies started pre-k one at age two and pre-k 2 at age three.
I've been keeping a close eye on them though and I started looking at how the twins were not developing at the same pace Harm had in the same pre-k level. Rachel was shy and sort of the class pet, everyone of the older kids in Kinder and in her class loved her because she was so cute but she didn't relate to the kids. Callum hated being there full days and his classmates would call him baby. To us it wasn't about sports or even academics it was the social emotional gap that worried us.
I was still on the fence though. Academically they were ahead. Rachel even tested out of Kinder when they did her diag for DD-Pre. Callum is equally bright. One of my best friends would tease me "Redshirting #richpeopleproblems" and she was right in a way. The cost of one more year of private pre-k was going to be huge. Research on redshirting is always divided. This Summer I was still undecided.
Than my mom got sick and so I and left the choice up to Chris. He choose the free one, kinder and so we enrolled the twins in Mesilla along with Harmon. I figured okay but I never felt peaceful. The twins attended a few days and everything was okay but I never gave up that feeling of uneasiness. I remembered all the stories of people wishing they had waited with their August birthdays and how many of their kids ended up repeating the course or later courses. Even one of my nephews repeated as did a brother of mine and it just made me realize that I didn't want to risk that. I asked Chris to reconsider and he admitted he felt uneasy as well. So we pulled them.
Now they are in a special class called Kinder Plus at College Heights called the Fox class. It's all kids with either Summer birthdays or fall birthdays. It's perfect for the twins because they are kids just like them. They might have been okay but this way just seemed like a safer bet. Friday I went to pick them up and Rachel was the best time with he new friends. One told me they were BFFs. Callum is doing just as well making really good friendships. I'm elated to see them socially really fitting in and for us redshirting was the right choice.
On Tuesday we disconnected my mom from life support. I was so scared that when they did the final phase I was so shocked that I bumped into a trash can with my car. I couldn't get to her fast enough. I kept thinking this is going to be it. This is going to be it. That night I held her hand till 1 in the morning and I fell asleep thinking any minute I will wake up and she will have stopped breathing but the next morning I saw the sun through the blinds of her hospital room and she was still here.
And she is still with us now! The death sentence I feared we were giving her from disconnecting her was not a death sentence. Rather it was a blessing. She is stronger as she ever was. We moved from the ICU to a Long Term Acute Care Hospital on Friday. She is stable. I'm not kidding myself. She is still in a vegetative coma and her odds of coming out of it are next to none. Yet I believe in a God of miracles (just celebrate Passover and you will believe in it too). I tell her everyday that if she is ready for Heaven that I will understand but if she wants to be here, that I will never stop fighting for her. I love her with my whole entire heart and each day I left with her is a small miracle in itself.
Yesterday was the hardest day for me and my family I think. My mother has crashed twice. She is currently on the ventilator and we have resuscitated her heart. We made the choice that if she goes now, it's okay to let her go. To sign that paper and say those words was not only hard for me but truly heartbreaking for my father who has been married to her for forty-five years or so. We are also going to attempt to get her off of the ventilator.
If I think too much about what is going on I think I will just become a ball of mush. I don't think I can even start to cope with what it will like to not have her. I just can't imagine my life with out my buddy, my dear friend. Even now when I get sad or happy I reach to my phone and try to call her only to get her voicemail. Instead I'm trying to remain prayerful and I'm being there for her. I've been with her all night and morning and she has opened her eyes a bit and even yawned. She has let me know that she is still here with us. I don't know when that will change but to have my sweet friend open her eyes and to hold her hand is just a gift from God. Now it's up to her what will happen next.
This post has been over a month in the making. I'm still coming to grips and so it might be rambling on. It is a post in honor of my mom and shares from my perspective what is going on.
For us this was an especially fun summer. I was so excited to share on the blog how our first trip to Disney went and how the gym intensives were going and so much other interesting things. That all changed on the 22 of July. The week before my mom came to the house right before we left for the White Mountains in Arizona for a long weekend. We ate popcorn, watched her favorite show "The Soup", and just had a great time with the babies. My mom came down a lot to see me and so this was not a really big deal or extraordinary in any way. Just another great day. That might be the last time I ever really get to see "her" again.
That Tuesday when I came home my brother texted me and let me know that she had food poisoning. I don't think I thought that much of it, except to say she needed to go to the doctor. "If only..." is something I can't get out of my mind. That night we had a company event in El Paso and so on the way home I called her. My father answered the phone and he doesn't answer the phone since he had his stroke. I finally got my mom on the phone and she was completely disoriented and she just dropped the phone mid-conversation. I texted my brother that he needs to get her to a doctor right away but never heard back from him.
The next morning at 5:30 am my brother called me and let me know she had been admitted to the ICU. It was dire but at the same time it was doable. She didn't have food poisoning she had ketone acidosis which is a side effect of having diabetes. She didn't know she had diabetes. No one had known. She hates doctors and is very much a herbalist. She hadn't seen a doctor in four years. Her levels of sugar were over 800 and my father's doctor, who kindly took her on in the hospital, told me she was a walking miracle. I stayed by her side non-stop, it felt like this was in no way happening.
In my mind I kept thinking how devastating diabetes was going to be for my mom because my mom loves food. I decided at about two am I was going to just help like she has helped me with my disease. She was going to live with us for a while and we were going to learn how to cook fabulous diabetes friendly food. I was going to solve this challenge for her just like she cares for me. The next morning her awesome doctors and nurses were on board. We were going to help my mom wake up, get her some broth and start her rehabilitation, but she wouldn't wake up. She was less lucid the next day, and my gut knew this wasn't going to be a fight about tortillas. At noon that next day the nurses sent me away to go have some lunch away from the hospital.
When I got back the nurses wouldn't tell me anything except you can't do anything with my mom. She was waking up and I was so confused. Finally the doctors came and they showed me her cat-scan. It was a total daze. Two tumors, one measuring 5.7 cm by 5.6 and 5.6. It made no sense how my mom could walk around for perhaps as long as 10 yrs without ever complaining of headaches, blurred vision, or any other symptoms. My siblings and I gathered together and we just didn't know what to do. One doctor wanted us to do surgery and another doctor wanted us not to do it. My uncle wanted her transferred to Phoenix but the insurance wouldn't let us.
I stayed by her side and my brothers also stayed close. My father has also been there every step of the way. He had a stroke 9 yrs ago and it was my mom who cared for him. Now he is caring the best for her. My sister has been a phone call away. We started the preparations for surgery. Than 7 days since being originally admitted my mother was admitted she stopped breathing on her own. I had been sleeping at the hospital and at around 4 am that morning I heard "Carmen, Carmen... and the crash team came in. I stayed there quietly. No one realized I was there. My emotions were so mixed because I knew life support was not something she wanted but I couldn't be the one at that point to say stop. All I could do was watch and hold her afterwards.
Later that morning, with my families support I signed off for her to have surgery. At that point we felt we had nothing to lose and she deserved the best chance possible. She went through like a champ. She never stroked out and while the surgery took 4 hours her vitals seemed strong. The days that followed we all watched and waited. Before we had the hope after the surgery she might be fine but the surgery went perfectly and my mother remained in a coma. That was so difficult to understand. I couldn't fix this. Finally a week after surgery they finally performed an MRI. The tumor I guess had covered the truth, she had a bilateral stroke the night she was admitted into the hospital.
That was hard to hear, at least for me. After having gone through the stroke thing as a family and seeing the hell my father has endured I wanted anything but a stroke. It changed the time line. The doctors told us instead of giving her a few days, we would be waiting weeks and considering it was in the front parts of the brain and into the middle it would affect personality and consciousness. My sister was able to come in and visit her. As a family we came together with a plan to wait for now. Give her time. Another week passed.
I had taken my first break from the hospital this past weekend and took Rachel on our mommy/daughter trip to Las Vegas. This week on Tuesday, exactly 5 weeks (I think) I was on my way home when the hospital had pushed to have a trach put in. It went well but than my mother's heart stopped. They brought her back again. I got there ready to give up but instead of my mom in a coma she was looking at me and responding. Yesterday she spent the whole day looking at me, interacting, and it was so real and beautiful. Today the reality sat back in and her being awake waned dramatically. I felt helpless again but I'm not forgetting the progress she has made.
The story continues and for now life is just frozen for me in many ways. I spend a lot of nights and every morning at the hospital. I love my mom and I don't know how I could ever not have her in my life. She helps me raise my kids, she is my dear friend, the one person who always believed in me (even when I don't), we hung out every single week for at least one day and I miss her so much. She is just the kindest and sweetest person who did hardly nothing for herself. She cared for me all the times I was sick, in the hospital with the twins, with the accident, pancreatitis, heart problems, and so forth. I can't leave her alone and not feel horrible because she scarcely has ever left me alone in a hospital.
At the same time my babies have lost me for large chunks of time and I don't want them to feel abandoned. They started school and I've yet to post any pictures. I am trying to show her the love she deserves and make sure my family whom she loves with all her heart is loved too. I'm grateful I'm not alone in this. My 3 siblings have really come together like I've never seen us come together. it was amazing. I wonder every minute practically if we are doing the right thing. I love this lady so much and I wish more than anything she could be making these decisions. I'm trying to fill her shoes but I'm never going to be her.
I try not to be angry at God. I don't get why her or why both my parents have now suffered strokes. I know one day in this life or the next it will God will help me make sense of it all. I have faith that he has a plan and has not forsaken her. Right now I feel like my heart is being ripped to shreds. I can't comprehend really everything with out falling to pieces. I want her to come home and be okay; but I just want her to not be in pain and be at peace. To be continued I guess... I don't know what will happen but I will be there, along with her brothers and her other children, her husband of 45 plus years of marriage and her grand babies.
I'm getting to the point where at the start of January and August rather than excitedly looking forward to all my new classes I feel rather that I'm about to face-plant off a cliff.
It started this last week with the University reopening after being closed for the holidays and the gym re-opening as well. The kids started school as well. Sometimes I wish I could just stay home like we did for two weeks. It was so nice and peaceful. I love my work both at the university and at the gym but it is incredibly time consuming and while school is hard, I know working towards my goals are important too.
The sad truth is that if I worked less Chris would probably be on my case more at home (than he already is) about cleaning and other past times I dislike. If you ask him me and the kids have been too lazy for his taste. Financially we would also suffer. So it's back to the grind! I will miss the joy of having time to paint my toes with Rachel and build legos with Harm or just staying in bed late watching house flipping shows with Cally.
No matter what I do finding time to be a mom first is always my priority. I guess in a perfect world the rest would follow easily. Of course it's not perfect and that's life!
I always love Halloween but since my mom's funeral was that same week it was a wash for us but for funsies here are a couple of shots of what we did.
The best part was Rachel. All of her girl cousins were Disney Princesses (each one) but no my daughter wanted to be scary. She was the cutest scary bones I've seen! But I loved Harmon in his Harry Potter. He choose that because he is currently on book 4 and being a geek just like my mom he loves to read. Than of course I can't say Harm and Rach were the best because Cally took his Wolverine so seriously! It was so cute.
This year there were funeral flowers rather than decorations. No costumes for me and no parties at the house. Maybe next year. But I'm grateful the kids had a great time and thats all that matters.
In early September I was offered a great opportunity, I'm doing graphic design and marketing for the School of Hotel Restaurant and Tourism College at NMSU. It's been great. I'm not used to having a real office in an office building yet, after working from my couch for five years; but it's an amazing opportunity and everyone is wonderful. I get paid to do art. It's so cool! So find us on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter ;) But that's not my only cool thing!
The dance program at Gym Magic has been disjointed since our wonderful Miss Jackie had to step back as head of the program about two years ago (although she still teaches Rachey on Saturday). So I was asked if I wanted to teach a technique class since my first degree was in Theater and Dance. I have a tiny little class and they are dollies. It's not easy to dance even basic things with my RA but I am so grateful that with all the treatment I can do enough so the girls can follow and do it along with me. I cursed those meds all Summer but I wouldn't be able to do this with out them. Still, nothing stops me from tub soaking for an hour when I get home in Epsom Salts. The best part is having Rachey in my class. She loves me so much and she tells all the girls that I can love them but I'll love her more, and she is soooooo right!
In the next few weeks I am going to be deciding if I want to do the dance thing more and relaunch their program. With everything that has happened it's been hard as hell to focus on my grad school. I'm grateful for these two bright spots in my life.
So my doctor in El Paso had a big frank discussion today with me. My blood tests showed some numbers that were lagging and some lost weight. I got the whole, "I can treat your symptoms with medication but if you're not taking care of yourself it doesn't matter." Afterwards I took a walk in my mom's cemetery and stumbled upon a section for small children and babies who had passed. It made me think about close I was to losing Rachey and how precious each of my children are.
It made me realize that the only thing that has kept me going are my angels here on earth with me. I don't know where I would be if it were not for them. When I'm with them, each of them makes me smile. I have to fix boo boos and break up toy fights. They need balanced meals and warm clean clothes. I watch them at the gym just nailing their jumps or I talk to their teachers and hear how they are being kind to other students. We eat yummies and just always cuddle.
The fact is that you can't blame the flu on sadness but my doctor is correct. Eating well and taking better care of myself is something I need to do more of. But what she might not know is that I do have a magical elixir that has and will keep me going. It won't be easy and it's not easy but I am grateful everyday for all my little joys.
For anyone who reads this blog or knows me in person, knows that I am a HUGE fan of Halloween. Like Harmon told his teacher the other day, we do Christmas, Hanukah but our real holiday is Halloween. This year though I haven't done much of anything and what I did do was more going through the motions for the sake of the kids than wanting to do it.
My mom in late September was transferred to a nursing home, the only one her insurance would approve and unbeknownst to me she was being neglected. I don't know if I could ever forgive myself for not knowing. She was transferred to Del Sol Hospital the first week of October with pneumonia, MRSA, bedsores, and severe bladder infection. After 2.5 weeks treating her there, there was nothing left to be done. As medical power of attorney I made the difficult decision that she either die in a hospital in far east El Paso or we move her to Las Cruces in Hospice care, basically giving up any other major medical intervention.
About 10 days later with her family all around her she died. I was there those final moments and when she passed I could almost feel her joy in the room. I knew she wasn't in pain anymore and she was happy. I have full faith in Heaven and in God that we will be reunited again. After all of that was funeral planning, she was buried in 48 hrs, and than services were held last Wednesday.
Now I'm sort of just trying to recover from all the shock. Part of me wonders wants to just quit my job and school and take time to grieve. The other part of me knows that will only make this so much worse if I do. But I've not had time to grieve. Since this started I've taken on so much responsibility to try and care for my mom and now that she is no longer here I realize everything I've lost. She was my best friend. We were like really weird twins who shared the same heart and now that she is gone my heart is just broken and empty. She was only sixty five and way too young. She got sick on July 22, having been perfectly fine just days before hanging out at my house and she died on October 23. Almost in three months her life filled with love and beauty just quickly burnt out and it makes no sense to me.
I know she doesn't want me wallowing in grief but I am hurting and grieving. I've gone through so much in life and minus a couple of hiccups the only person that I've always been able to depend on was my mother. No matter how horrible things got together we could laugh and smile through anything. The thing that is keeping me going are my babies. They are so wonderful and I know with them I will make it through this time. Caring for them while helping my brother and father has been cathartic. I know I will move on, I just don't think I really know how to at this point.
If you have seen me looking frazzled or worse if I have canceled plans on you (sorry Amanda, Chenchie, etc) several times, this week it is because there has been a whole lot going on with my mother. I've not blogged too much how things are because, to be honest, it's hard for me. Today I will try.
My mother was transferred to the El Paso LTAC Hospital. At that time we had disconnected her from life support and we were waiting and watching if she would emerge from her coma. I guess at that point I was preparing myself for her imminent death or her miraculous recovery. Despite being a perfectly levelheaded human being I don't think I ever prepared myself for a middle ground. One in which she neither died or fully recovered.
Yet as the weeks and days have come by everything is hard. I'm seeing her muscles go into atropy and while she opens her eyes and will even nod at times she doesn't wake up enough to talk or sip on a straw. I just wish it would get better, it would get easier for her. I wish she could go home and be here with my babies, watch some tv and get to know what it felt liked to be hugged or even have a doughnut again.
I worry now that she is transferred to a long term nursing home facility on the far Eastside of El Paso that she will be forgotten. It is over a hundred and twenty mile roundtrip from my home. It sucks because I wish I could be there daily. My heart breaks every day and despite time, it doesn't get any easier. The pain just feels worse. I feel like part of me is dying with her. I want there to be a miracle but maybe I lack faith because in my heart I just have this feeling I must accept things as they are.
She is now in a great facility. If anyone here is local in El Paso please contact me for more information. I still pray. She is a fighter and the most wonderful women I've ever known in my life. I just pray every day that she might regain more function and we can improve her quality of life further.
My father is a total absolute football fanatic and so the term redshirting was something I was always familiar with. It was always an important decision Texas longhorns made each season with their newest recruits. It was the question of are they ready to play now or will they benefit by sitting out and preparing to play for one season so that when they start they really are ready to serve the team best.
When we had the twins Redshirting took on a whole new meaning. I loved their due date of October 24. It was perfect. They were supposed to be my little pumpkins and it would be safely into the zone like Harmon is where you don't worry about your child being the oldest or youngest in the class.
Of course God always has other plans and they were born on August 28th. A few days shy of the September 1st cut off to begin school in TX and in NM. That left us with a choice. First we decided that since I had nieces and nefews born that same week (6 of the 7 grand kids in my family are born the last week of August, Harm is our sole rebel) and they all started at age four going on five. So the babies started pre-k one at age two and pre-k 2 at age three.
I've been keeping a close eye on them though and I started looking at how the twins were not developing at the same pace Harm had in the same pre-k level. Rachel was shy and sort of the class pet, everyone of the older kids in Kinder and in her class loved her because she was so cute but she didn't relate to the kids. Callum hated being there full days and his classmates would call him baby. To us it wasn't about sports or even academics it was the social emotional gap that worried us.
I was still on the fence though. Academically they were ahead. Rachel even tested out of Kinder when they did her diag for DD-Pre. Callum is equally bright. One of my best friends would tease me "Redshirting #richpeopleproblems" and she was right in a way. The cost of one more year of private pre-k was going to be huge. Research on redshirting is always divided. This Summer I was still undecided.
Than my mom got sick and so I and left the choice up to Chris. He choose the free one, kinder and so we enrolled the twins in Mesilla along with Harmon. I figured okay but I never felt peaceful. The twins attended a few days and everything was okay but I never gave up that feeling of uneasiness. I remembered all the stories of people wishing they had waited with their August birthdays and how many of their kids ended up repeating the course or later courses. Even one of my nephews repeated as did a brother of mine and it just made me realize that I didn't want to risk that. I asked Chris to reconsider and he admitted he felt uneasy as well. So we pulled them.
Now they are in a special class called Kinder Plus at College Heights called the Fox class. It's all kids with either Summer birthdays or fall birthdays. It's perfect for the twins because they are kids just like them. They might have been okay but this way just seemed like a safer bet. Friday I went to pick them up and Rachel was the best time with he new friends. One told me they were BFFs. Callum is doing just as well making really good friendships. I'm elated to see them socially really fitting in and for us redshirting was the right choice.
On Tuesday we disconnected my mom from life support. I was so scared that when they did the final phase I was so shocked that I bumped into a trash can with my car. I couldn't get to her fast enough. I kept thinking this is going to be it. This is going to be it. That night I held her hand till 1 in the morning and I fell asleep thinking any minute I will wake up and she will have stopped breathing but the next morning I saw the sun through the blinds of her hospital room and she was still here.
And she is still with us now! The death sentence I feared we were giving her from disconnecting her was not a death sentence. Rather it was a blessing. She is stronger as she ever was. We moved from the ICU to a Long Term Acute Care Hospital on Friday. She is stable. I'm not kidding myself. She is still in a vegetative coma and her odds of coming out of it are next to none. Yet I believe in a God of miracles (just celebrate Passover and you will believe in it too). I tell her everyday that if she is ready for Heaven that I will understand but if she wants to be here, that I will never stop fighting for her. I love her with my whole entire heart and each day I left with her is a small miracle in itself.
Yesterday was the hardest day for me and my family I think. My mother has crashed twice. She is currently on the ventilator and we have resuscitated her heart. We made the choice that if she goes now, it's okay to let her go. To sign that paper and say those words was not only hard for me but truly heartbreaking for my father who has been married to her for forty-five years or so. We are also going to attempt to get her off of the ventilator.
If I think too much about what is going on I think I will just become a ball of mush. I don't think I can even start to cope with what it will like to not have her. I just can't imagine my life with out my buddy, my dear friend. Even now when I get sad or happy I reach to my phone and try to call her only to get her voicemail. Instead I'm trying to remain prayerful and I'm being there for her. I've been with her all night and morning and she has opened her eyes a bit and even yawned. She has let me know that she is still here with us. I don't know when that will change but to have my sweet friend open her eyes and to hold her hand is just a gift from God. Now it's up to her what will happen next.
This post has been over a month in the making. I'm still coming to grips and so it might be rambling on. It is a post in honor of my mom and shares from my perspective what is going on.
For us this was an especially fun summer. I was so excited to share on the blog how our first trip to Disney went and how the gym intensives were going and so much other interesting things. That all changed on the 22 of July. The week before my mom came to the house right before we left for the White Mountains in Arizona for a long weekend. We ate popcorn, watched her favorite show "The Soup", and just had a great time with the babies. My mom came down a lot to see me and so this was not a really big deal or extraordinary in any way. Just another great day. That might be the last time I ever really get to see "her" again.
That Tuesday when I came home my brother texted me and let me know that she had food poisoning. I don't think I thought that much of it, except to say she needed to go to the doctor. "If only..." is something I can't get out of my mind. That night we had a company event in El Paso and so on the way home I called her. My father answered the phone and he doesn't answer the phone since he had his stroke. I finally got my mom on the phone and she was completely disoriented and she just dropped the phone mid-conversation. I texted my brother that he needs to get her to a doctor right away but never heard back from him.
The next morning at 5:30 am my brother called me and let me know she had been admitted to the ICU. It was dire but at the same time it was doable. She didn't have food poisoning she had ketone acidosis which is a side effect of having diabetes. She didn't know she had diabetes. No one had known. She hates doctors and is very much a herbalist. She hadn't seen a doctor in four years. Her levels of sugar were over 800 and my father's doctor, who kindly took her on in the hospital, told me she was a walking miracle. I stayed by her side non-stop, it felt like this was in no way happening.
In my mind I kept thinking how devastating diabetes was going to be for my mom because my mom loves food. I decided at about two am I was going to just help like she has helped me with my disease. She was going to live with us for a while and we were going to learn how to cook fabulous diabetes friendly food. I was going to solve this challenge for her just like she cares for me. The next morning her awesome doctors and nurses were on board. We were going to help my mom wake up, get her some broth and start her rehabilitation, but she wouldn't wake up. She was less lucid the next day, and my gut knew this wasn't going to be a fight about tortillas. At noon that next day the nurses sent me away to go have some lunch away from the hospital.
When I got back the nurses wouldn't tell me anything except you can't do anything with my mom. She was waking up and I was so confused. Finally the doctors came and they showed me her cat-scan. It was a total daze. Two tumors, one measuring 5.7 cm by 5.6 and 5.6. It made no sense how my mom could walk around for perhaps as long as 10 yrs without ever complaining of headaches, blurred vision, or any other symptoms. My siblings and I gathered together and we just didn't know what to do. One doctor wanted us to do surgery and another doctor wanted us not to do it. My uncle wanted her transferred to Phoenix but the insurance wouldn't let us.
I stayed by her side and my brothers also stayed close. My father has also been there every step of the way. He had a stroke 9 yrs ago and it was my mom who cared for him. Now he is caring the best for her. My sister has been a phone call away. We started the preparations for surgery. Than 7 days since being originally admitted my mother was admitted she stopped breathing on her own. I had been sleeping at the hospital and at around 4 am that morning I heard "Carmen, Carmen... and the crash team came in. I stayed there quietly. No one realized I was there. My emotions were so mixed because I knew life support was not something she wanted but I couldn't be the one at that point to say stop. All I could do was watch and hold her afterwards.
Later that morning, with my families support I signed off for her to have surgery. At that point we felt we had nothing to lose and she deserved the best chance possible. She went through like a champ. She never stroked out and while the surgery took 4 hours her vitals seemed strong. The days that followed we all watched and waited. Before we had the hope after the surgery she might be fine but the surgery went perfectly and my mother remained in a coma. That was so difficult to understand. I couldn't fix this. Finally a week after surgery they finally performed an MRI. The tumor I guess had covered the truth, she had a bilateral stroke the night she was admitted into the hospital.
That was hard to hear, at least for me. After having gone through the stroke thing as a family and seeing the hell my father has endured I wanted anything but a stroke. It changed the time line. The doctors told us instead of giving her a few days, we would be waiting weeks and considering it was in the front parts of the brain and into the middle it would affect personality and consciousness. My sister was able to come in and visit her. As a family we came together with a plan to wait for now. Give her time. Another week passed.
I had taken my first break from the hospital this past weekend and took Rachel on our mommy/daughter trip to Las Vegas. This week on Tuesday, exactly 5 weeks (I think) I was on my way home when the hospital had pushed to have a trach put in. It went well but than my mother's heart stopped. They brought her back again. I got there ready to give up but instead of my mom in a coma she was looking at me and responding. Yesterday she spent the whole day looking at me, interacting, and it was so real and beautiful. Today the reality sat back in and her being awake waned dramatically. I felt helpless again but I'm not forgetting the progress she has made.
The story continues and for now life is just frozen for me in many ways. I spend a lot of nights and every morning at the hospital. I love my mom and I don't know how I could ever not have her in my life. She helps me raise my kids, she is my dear friend, the one person who always believed in me (even when I don't), we hung out every single week for at least one day and I miss her so much. She is just the kindest and sweetest person who did hardly nothing for herself. She cared for me all the times I was sick, in the hospital with the twins, with the accident, pancreatitis, heart problems, and so forth. I can't leave her alone and not feel horrible because she scarcely has ever left me alone in a hospital.
At the same time my babies have lost me for large chunks of time and I don't want them to feel abandoned. They started school and I've yet to post any pictures. I am trying to show her the love she deserves and make sure my family whom she loves with all her heart is loved too. I'm grateful I'm not alone in this. My 3 siblings have really come together like I've never seen us come together. it was amazing. I wonder every minute practically if we are doing the right thing. I love this lady so much and I wish more than anything she could be making these decisions. I'm trying to fill her shoes but I'm never going to be her.
I try not to be angry at God. I don't get why her or why both my parents have now suffered strokes. I know one day in this life or the next it will God will help me make sense of it all. I have faith that he has a plan and has not forsaken her. Right now I feel like my heart is being ripped to shreds. I can't comprehend really everything with out falling to pieces. I want her to come home and be okay; but I just want her to not be in pain and be at peace. To be continued I guess... I don't know what will happen but I will be there, along with her brothers and her other children, her husband of 45 plus years of marriage and her grand babies.
This is the story of two strong willed parents, 3 fabulous kids; mixed in with some Longhorn loving, a family business, two cats, a dog, and now a gaggle of ducks. All 3 kids were born in 21 months and since than we have had quite a few more challenges; but nothing we can't handle.
Why Cupcakes?
Our last name rhymes with Cakes and so when I got pregnant I nicknamed Harmon "Baby Cakes". Than when we got pregnant again 13 mos later, and we found out we were having twins so we called them "the Cupcakes".
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