Ohana...

(Me in first grade wearing the outfit we sewed together)

This year we spent Christmas in Las Vegas.  I loved it!  If I have more time tonight I will share some pictures and more details.  Still, even with distance, I missed my mother so much!  That is really why we left and to be honest when a major holiday comes and Chris' family doesn't have dibs I would rather be there than here.

When I came home I had to keep my promise to William and my dad by cleaning out everything that was my moms and together we decided what needed to be kept.  I finished that task on Thursday.  It was heart crushing (and not just because she was hoarder).  I really don't have words to describe what it is like to go through every hand written note I had ever written her.  Every single outfit she had kept of ours, every halloween costume, every picture, every outfit she wore and cleaning up the bloody clothing I found she had worn the night the ambulance got her.  It was like her whole life's treasures were all either thrown in the trash, stuck into closets, or boxed for Goodwill.  There was no doubt that my best friend is gone from this earth and no matter how hard I might wish her back she isn't coming home.

I still have a family, and I have to remember that.  While the heart has broken we are restitching the fabric.  My half siblings, who I love but don't often see have been around more.  I still can't believe they all traveled down for the funeral and again at the holidays.  My dad is doing surprisingly well.  I am proud of his strength and proud of my brother William for caring for them.  As hard as it is to see the house without my mom's stuff, I'm proud of them for rebuilding.  My local half brother and his partner Diane helped see William through to graduation by helping dad.  They've been there every
step of the way.

(My final semester at UT she came down for Halloween)

As I move on the pain doesn't get better, but I put it on a shelf and walk away from it.  I have always had unshakeable faith in God, but I still don't get why she had to go.  It's hard to feel close to God through all this.  I guess the old Jewish lady in me, feels comfortable asking God why and I imagine one day I will feel the answer or maybe she will tell me on the other side of it.  In the mean time I just have thrown myself into parenting, and into work until I can sit and feel the pain with out it breaking me.

(In High School during a speech tournaments trip to Houston)

Tonight we watched Lilo and Stitch.  I was reminded of Ohana!  It's true in family no one is ever left behind or forgotten.  I will never ever forget any memory of my mother and I.  She is me and I was her.  I looked through all the old pictures of us and I share them with my kids.  On the 9th my father celebrated his 75th birthday and I gathered all their old photos and scrapbooked them.  Last night when I gave him we both smiled and cried.  Her hoarding might be gone, but she will never be forgotten.

(Middle School with my crazy brother and mom during the holidays)

(A home game at UT with my mom visiting)