Having remembered how my siblings and I tortured my mother I have always tried to avoid toy aisles when shopping. My kids have become accustomed that if they are with me we don't have time for toys and I try to shop without them. But this week I couldn't avoid the tears, but as usual I was alone, and the tears were mine.
It started with Dolly! Harmon has devotedly slept with Dolly since he was 18 months. Chris insisted this month that a young boy shouldn't have a doll. Both Harm and I feel otherwise but in order to stop the constant contention we agreed she can stay in my room. So yesterday I looked for a new lovey. I grabbed a Ninja Turtle at first but it didn't have any sweetness or love. Finally I settled on a small Monkey. I still get upset though thinking my little boy won't be snuggling with Dolly every night.
I went on to get Harm and the twins a birthday gift (yes we had Harm's birthday party 2 months after the fact). I got sad because the first time Cally requested a non-Thomas the Train toy. Everyone was texting me what Harm wanted for his day and I knew he wanted Legos and Captain America stuff. No more Toy Story or Cars for him. Than I went to get Rachel a new dress and I began to look at the little baby clothing. Those days are gone. Next year I won't even be shopping in the baby/toddler possibly.
When I choose to have a hysterectomy a year and a half ago I made the choice because I wanted to have a long and healthy life. It was not an easy decision but the doctors were clear it would have been Russian Roulettee to not have it and I didn't want that. It also made it final I would never have more children. I always knew I wouldn't but it made it very final. Only on days like yesterday do I get a little teary. I miss the booties and the rattles. The innocent smiles and never getting talked too in a snarky response.
Than I step back into the reality of the day. My kids are wonderful and total awesomeness! I laugh with them. I watch them learn and grow. I see how they serve one another and how good their hearts are. As they grow older I feel like I just delight in them more each day. At the party Harm was filled with gratitude. His coaches from Gym Magic hosted and they couldn't stop gushing how special each of them were. I will never hold my own newborn in my arms again, and can bring a tinge of sadness here and there I am truly grateful for the kids I have today. They are beyond amazing and best of all they are all potty trained and sleep through the night ;)