Loathing

If you read my blog on a regular basis you know I am a total theater geek.  After all I'm supposed to be headed to ASU as a dramatic writer.  Anyhow the other day I was in my car and one album ended on my IPhone and a new one began.  It is Wicked, which is one of my favorite musicals.  Anyhow this song came on


Galinda: 
What is this feeling so sudden and new? 

Elphaba: 
I felt the moment I laid eyes on you 

Galinda: 
my pulse is rushing 

Elphaba: 
my head is reeling 

Galinda: 
my face is flushing 

Both: 
what is this feeling fervid as a flame, 
does it have a name, yeeesss, 
loathing unadulterated loathing 

Galinda: 
for your face 

Elphaba: 
your voice 

Galinda: 
Your clothing 

Both: 
lets just say I loathe it all. 
Every little trait however small, 
makes my very flesh begin to crawl, with simple utter loathing 
theres a strange exilhiration in such total 
detestation. It's so pure so strong 
though i do admit it came on fast 
still i do believe that it can last 
and i will be loathing, 
loathing you my whole life long 

I couldn't help but laugh and think of my inlaws!  I really feel like this green little witch in a sea of perfection when I am around them.   The saddest part of it all though is just how many bad feelings exist.  I think loathing isn't too far of stretch for the feelings all of us have for one another.  

The saddest part of it all is that they are leaders in the church that I still am a fairly new member of.  It is hard for me a lot to separate them from my faith.  I have never talked about how hard and sad this has all been for me.  Their expectations on me has always been to assimilate to their culture.  Rather than on holidays creating our own traditions for our little family, my husband and inlaws want us to do everything their way.  

Chris often takes their side.  He tells me it isn't "right" not to raise our kids the way he was raised.  I am often compared to my sister in laws and how they are Stay at Home Moms, have clean homes, don't waste money and of course do what their husbands want (especially when it comes to family events).  

Sometimes I am the reason why there are problems.  I admit, I'm stubborn like a bull and can dig my heels in.  I call it the snowball of death b/c they do something so than I'm mad and I refuse to participate than they are now mad at me and Chris is mad at me; than the whole cycle repeats!

A lot of the reason why Chris and I separated was because of this.  Now that we have reconciled I still don't see any of this changing.  I refuse to be anyone but myself!  Still that refusal is a pretty isolating feeling to be honest.  I really hope and pray for the sake of my babies get better b/c otherwise I have a feeling we will be loathing one another our whole life long!