Today I woke up a 4 am. I took some Benadryl, pain medication, and went back to bed. The problem was that I didn't fall back asleep. I tossed and turned for an hour, played an hour of Scrabble, tossed and turned for another hour and than decided, I might as well stay up and write. I've been wanting to get out what happened with the accident for a while but when I'm in a peaceful place at night or with my children I never want to talk about what happened. It is in these frustrating quiet moments that I really reflect.
The day of the accident I was so excited to get home to see friends for lunch. I was very happy because I had fully recovered from my stint in the hospital. I kept wanting to stop and grab something like a soda and some munchies b/c I love to snack but I just didn't want to get off the freeway. There were a lot of 18 wheelers, even in the fast lane so I just didn't want to leave the middle lane. I remember passing Mesquite and thinking "almost there". That is when the accident happened.
I don't remember that part. All I do remember is that my knuckles were very bruised and my IPad was still playing when I regained consciousness. It was white like clouds (airbags) and smelled so badly. I didn't know what happened. So I sat there listening to M&M/Rhianna's song "Love the Way you Lie". Than I heard a gentlemen scream to me "don't move". I couldn't see him. It was at that time I felt the pain of my left side being crushed, and I knew it was bad. There were a lot of people who stopped, got off the freeway, and went to help me. They might have all saved my life. For that I will be eternally grateful. I wish I knew who they were do I could tell them thank you.
When the gentleman came I wanted to scream. I was in so much pain. Than I wanted to slip backwards and fall asleep again. There were nurses there I think, including the first gentlemen who stopped. He kept yelling at me to stay with him, talk, don't sleep. At that moment I remembered my sister's accident when I was a child and my mom told me if she had fallen back asleep she might have died. I didn't want to die so I stayed awake. I had remembered learning hypnosis but never being into it. For some reason I started doing it. I would breathe every 3 or 4 seconds and just try to close my eyes and stayed talking.
It helped a lot. I calmed down, the gentleman kept asking me who my husband was (probably from the ring) and I gave him Chris' number. A lady had come in through the passenger and saw me trying to do deep breathing and she started helping me. She told me the cops were here and I was being air flown to the hospital on the helicopter. That scared me. They only air lift critical people. I told her to have the cops radio my brother. He is cop and works the area where I was. I knew he could contact everyone.
My head was crushed and just bleeding. My right side was the worse. I knew what ever happened was really bad. I've experienced pain but this unworldly. I wanted to go back to sleep but I just kept focusing and breathing. The witnesses started telling me what happened. I had been In the middle lane when an 18 wheeler cut in front of me. I was in the blind spot probably. I swerved b/c I had no choice or I would have been hit by him full on. I nipped another truck who was in the slow lane and that caused me to fly off the freeway "Dukes of Hazard" off the freeway, over the ravine, and on to the access road.
I couldn't believe what they told me. The trucker I nipped seemed so kind. He didn't help with me in the car but he came over and said he was okay, his truck was fine, just get better. I was worried for him but he kept reassuring me not too worry about what him. Everyone kept saying you didn't do anything wrong, you did everything right. Knowing the pain both my hands felt from being on the steering wheel, I knew they were right. That was comforting, knowing I did my very best. I just wish still I could remember it.
Everything else was just pain. The EMTs finally came and I told them I don't want a helicopter. They kept telling me don't be scared of them, but I told them I was going to stay with them and I didn't want it. I love flying but I knew I didn't need to be airlifted. So they called off the helicopter. I remember being scared at that point, what if I had made a mistake so I sat there and focused. I heard Chris' voice as I was loaded up. I was shocked he was there. He never answers his phone or leave work.
From that point I don't remember much except focusing on warm beaches, breathing, needles, pain, them cutting off my clothing, more pain, more needles, x-rays, cat-scans. They told me I was being placed in ICU. Chris came at that point for just a minute. He was so scared and it scared me. I felt his love and I knew that was why. I told him to grab my brother Louie. He is a cop and I knew he would be calm for me. We joked about dogs and he helped ease the fear.
I stayed in the ICU for 3 days. I was told broken shoulder, finger, and brain bleed. I was scared of being in the pain I was more scared knowing I was It wasn't out of the woods so I stayed tough. Than my first day in my non-ICU room was bad. I saw the news article that my friend Sabrina had emailed the accident. For the the first time is that it became very real to me. I was now fully aware of how bad it was and the pain was full on. I fought to get out of there, Chris and I fought over the quick serious decisions that we had to make and I felt so hopeless. The last day they in the hospital I knew I was gonna lose it. They told me I would be there till Monday, it was Saturday... I was ready to crack so I told the doctors and nurses late that night I would be going home. An on duty psychologist came to make sure I was okay mentally to go home. She inspired me to trust myself, and that I would overcome this, That night I got home just before mid-night.
With RA I knew this was serious. Suddenly reconstruction was needed for my right hand (that will be soon). Chris kept telling me I needed to man up, but he didn't understand the pain and still doesn't. He is trying and I know he wants me to be strong for the kids. What he doesn't realize is that the main reason I fought so hard to live those first few hours, get out of that hospital, and now get better is for those kids. Death has never ever scared me but leaving them sone was what scared me. I kept wanting to be with them and now all I want to do is to be better so I can be there more for them.
Right now things simply stand at waiting, I've lost a lot of life it feels like these past six weeks. They want to reconstruct my hand like tomorrow. I don't know, I don't think I want to go through that right now. I want to spend my summers in my pool with my kids. The shoulder is really getting there. I got the ok to take the Sarmiento off. It should have had it off too weeks ago but b/c of my condition that will take time.
Everyday is really hard. Every milestone like getting out of the cast is really hard. I'm still limited, but hopefully not for much longer. I'm not dumb though, it will take years to overcome what I have and will have scars that I carry with me the rest of my life internally and externally. But living is better than dying. Being with my little ones is what makes it all so worthwhile. I've lost a lot! There will be no warm beach ironically this summer. The unexpected expenses took that away. Instead I'll be having to learn this Summer how to to put a hair tie in my hair and stop my flare ups. Instead of girls weekend in Vegas. I will be using my airline cards to get a second opinion in Scottsdale AZ at the Mayo clinic.
Getting my life back is hard. It is worth it though and I've got a lot of faith that I will recover. God watched over me and I'm lucky to be here. I know that. But I think would have been luckier not to have what happened, have occurred. I hope I can look back at this post and it will be a distant memory like the weeks my cupcakes were in the NICU or the weeks in the weeks in the hospital before they were born and I was so sick. I just don't want to wait to feel better anymore, I want be healthy again so badly. But my time is not God's time and I must remember that these things will pass.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Posts
