War and Peace

When I decided I was going to have 2 children I really hoped for a boy secretly.  I did that b/c my husband is best friends with his brothers and my brothers are very close as well.  I wanted Harm to have a brother.  These two couldn't be closer.

I couldn't come up with a name for a second name for a little boy except Brighton.  Chris hated Brighton.  So I went searching for a new boys name.  I found Callum on nymbler.com when I put the name Harmon in.  It meant peace. Harm's name meant war.  So my boys are: War and Peace.  Yes, I am that bad of a literary nerd.  For the most part their names have been a little prophetic... well until the school year started!

Harmon:

Harm is doing so well.  We started him into a private pre-school program that integrates his  special needs therapy.  It has been great.  I really think the teachers are doing more here than the teachers at the schools.  They are teaching Harm self-regulation.  If he needs oral-motor stimulation he has cards he can choose from and do something like chewing on a special pencil chewer or put a spicy candy in his mouth.  They are working on eye contact, speech, listening, etc.  They are amazing.

I was really worried how this would go.  The biggest difference between his school now and and his old school is that this program is fully integrated.  There are a handful like Harm who have special needs and there were all types of special needs kids.  In this school Rachel and Harm are the most severe.  Other than them there are a few speech delayed kids or motor wise but MOST are typical peers.

He does great!  He was the only new kid in his class and they picked on him a little the first week.  Than Friday the boys all had a race and Harm won.  After that he was cool and he still wins a lot of the races.  I still worry some days he is going to get written up for getting out of sorts and attacking.  There is a no tolerance policy for things like biting and hitting.  The other day he told me: "I got a note but it is bad... I'm not going to show you."  Of course he finally showed me and it was for talking!  Not biting, or yelling but just talking during class!!!  It was awesome :) 

He is so special to me.  I remember the days I worked full time and he was a little baby.  He went everywhere with me.  To this day he is always the child who knows me best.  The last time I was not feeling well, he sat in my bedroom drawing.  When Daddy asked him to come play with him he said "No I'm playing with my mom".  Later that day I told him how nice it was that he came to stay with me and he told me: mommy it is my job to protect and take care of you.  Other times he will tell me, "when Daddy is working late I'm the man of the house!"

At home he is really stepping into a great leadership role.  We still have some really tough days where he is just out of sorts but he is doing his chores, doing extra chores, helping me, protecting his brother and sister in school, and so forth.  It is neat to see how well he is doing.  I have always known Harmon is an amazing wonderful but now it is nice to see everyone else in this world of his is seeing that!


Callum:

Callum is not happy with Mommy!  In fact he is downright miserable.  He has been giving me nothing but total Hell for sending him to school.  I don't blame him.  If I could stay home and play all day I would totally choose that.  I guess with Rachel she is getting over her school sickness but Callum is still mad at me.

The thing is that Callum isn't 3 yet for his adjusted age.  He was supposed to be born on October 24.  I think he is going through the terrible 2's just a little late.  He is always my laid back baby who is perfectly chillax most days.  That is not him these days.  He loves to tease and taunt his very sensitive brother and sister.  He refuses to wear the clothes I pick for him (another Rachel) and he throws everything.  First kid of mine to ever throw his dinner plate in protest.  (He was in big trouble).  School is having likewise problems.  He won't even sit with us at the movies.  He is like a moody teenager.


The funny thing is that he is a quiet genius.  He always knows the answer to everything if he cares to put the time into answering.  Problem is he would rather walk to the beat of his own drum.  He is still just as musical.  His favorite singer is train.  Yes he is that kid who can sing an entire verse of 50 Ways to Say Goodbye: "She was caught in a mudslide, Eaten by a lion, Got run over by a crappy purple Scion, Help me, help me, I'm no good at goodbyes..."  He hates sports but oddly enough he is great at it.  Again, those skills like throwing, catching and kicking a ball are better than some kids a year or two older.

My favorite thing is his sense of humor these days.  Him and I have a special connection.  No matter how mad he is at me he loves to laugh.  We do silly faces together.  We have inside jokes like: "you're a jumbo pizza"  "no you're jumbo pizza"  We can argue that one for ten minutes.  I love to whisper him things like "I love you".  He always whispers "I love you" right back.  I know he is going through a lot of change but that is one special boy.  Hopefully he won't be mad at me forever.

(This is after his first hair cut, don't worry it was only a trim!  He is my surfer boy always!)

I knew I shoulda tooke that left turn...

I live my life a lot like Bugs Bunny.  He burrows underground and just pops out quickly to see what is going on and than burrows again.  He often gets lost.  That is me, it is crazy but it is sort of fun!  I think I should win the inconsistent blogging award!  Lets see what happened: Rachel got into the DD-Pre, Harmon is getting exited from Speech therapy, Cally is going through the terrible twos finally, and so on... let me catch everyone up.

Health wise I'm fine which really means I'M GREAT!!!  It feels good to be myself again.  Surgery went well and those problems are gone, no amoebas, and my head doesn't hurt as it has been since the accident.  I'm getting my bearings being normal again and I'm happy.  

Chris and I traveled to Phoenix last week.  I scored an interview for a really neat graduate program at ASU.  I have good shot at it but it is a highly competitive program so nothing is guaranteed.  I want this so bad but I'm struggling to balance all I have on my plate.  This program and 3 small children with my husband who also is drowning in his own work load... I just don't know if it would work.  During Rachel's IEP the Special Ed director asked why I was so tired and I told her about ASU and the program.  She sort of annoyingly said "well, children always come first"... 

I wanted to deck her but she does have a point.  My babies are not babies!!  They are all kids now.  They are totally big kids and their needs are as all encompassing as they were when they were babies.  It is just different.  Balance!!!  Things are going well with the company and it is growing a lot.  Who knows there might some moving soon :wink:  I'm going to have to figure out a way to do it all but I might need to think more on it.  So I don't know what I will do.  

Things are good though.  I am going to try today to take some time and post a special post about an update for each of the kids and do some fun Halloween posts.  It's time again :)  I will be in Albuquerque this Friday and Saturday for more adventures.  This time the kids get to come. 

No School for the Queen Bee!

Harmon and I have something in common, we are incredible super nerds who love school.    Today he asked me if tomorrow was Monday and he could go to school.  That is when Rachel made it very clear: "I don't want to go to school!!!!!"

This wasn't just a passing moment.  Every single time Chris drops her off at school in the morning she just holds onto him for dear life.  She gets so upset.  When I go to pick her up she grasps onto me with the Rachel death grip and won't let go.  She really just is not happy there.  

The funny thing about this is that she is just totally the most popular girl in the school. According to the people there the other kids think she is just a little doll.  All the little girls (and a boy) from her class and Harm's class just follow her around and compete for the spots next to her.  I kept hearing it but I didn't believe it until I saw it.  She got on a toy horse in a merry go round type toy and 5 kids crowded to be on the horses next to her.  It was pretty cute but I keep getting this fear that in a few years Rachel will be the next Regina George from Mean Girls.  Of course right now this isn't an issue.  Rachel is totally clueless that she is popular.  She just does her thing and is completely oblivious.  

On Friday she got a formal invitation to a special program to help her with her CP.  I'm sad though b/c now she will be in school all day and she doesn't want to be at school.  She just want to go home and be with her Miriam.  I keep thinking if I give her more time she will adjust but it has been over a month and now we have to add in a second program in the afternoon.  I almost want to tell Miriam: STOP don't get a new job, stay with us forever!  I just wish our little Queen Bee could stay at home and be a Princess Bee for a little longer.

The Pink Flamingos drowned!

Our running gag birthday party for the twins is Pink Flamingos in the Pool because we always have a huge water themed party for them and when their birthday comes around all the Hawaiian Luau stuff goes on sale.  So this was our 2nd annual Flamingo bash for their very special 3rd birthday!

It really was a great party except it rained.  It rained the entire day.  It was 95 degrees the day before the party and than we had a high in the 60's the day of the party.  Needless to say we put away Rachel's custom flamingo bathing suit and brought out the jackets.  We all crowded inside while the kids bundled still made the water slide into a cool dry slide.

As I always joke I am a very Type A personality and so this was not an easy day for me at first but once I saw the happiness everyone had I loosened up.  My wonderful sister came in from Vegas, we had so many great friends and family there, but most importantly my babies were happy.  That is what matters for kid parties after all.  Cally kept saying "oh wow" every gift he got and Rachel pranced around singing "Pink Flamingos in the Pool!"  Everyone had a great time and it was a wonderful.  Not as planned but in an odd way it will always be much more memorable because of that :)

Dealing with the Mom Guilt!!!

There is a saying that Women can't do it all.  I don't know the answer to that.  I'm still figuring it all out but I sure am trying to prove whomever started that rumor wrong!  Oh it is so hard.  I'm so tired I practically fall asleep anytime I sit down.  I drank 3 sodas today.  I never drink 3 in a day.  

I'm trying to finish one goal: a new degree in English (my original studies were in theater) and I've been doing classes here and there but this semester is a full time thing but of course Chris keeps me busy with the company stuff.  Rachel just got approved for DDPre (developmentally delayed pre-school) and Physical Therapy.   Cally needs speech and will be starting at the University program Harm is still in.  It is like I'm living in a blender.  

So I feel guilty when I go to school.  I know I shouldn't.  I have done nothing but take care of everyone else.  It makes me wonder what I should do as the next step.  I have always had a lot of dreams and I think now is time.  I keep putting them off.  But how do I get over the mom guilt???

So much...

So much has happened since I posted last.  The twins turned 3!  I have a lot to post about that of course.  We had the party this weekend and later this week I'll share pictures.  What else???  Physically I feel really great.  Mind wise I feel pretty stressed.  Miriam is sort of moving on, I've been trying to get Rachel services for her CP, business is as usual, Harm started soccer again, Rachel is taking is still in gym/dance, Cally is just cute Cally, and oh I had this great idea to keep working towards a new degree in English by taking a literary theory course.  Yup, not maybe my best idea when everything is crazy.  But I'm recovered from surgery for the most part and life goes on.  

I'm amazed how much my kids keep me balanced though.  I feel like I'm going crazy and Cally will say "Hello Jumbo Pizza!"  Or Harmon will take me to his room, ask me to scratch his back, and tell him all the reasons why I love him.  Rachel is my buddy, she has started dressing me (not kidding) and I give it to her she has great fashion sense.  She always knows when I get tired and need a little bit of gentleness.  It is easy to feel overwhelmed but I'm starting to learn to just let it go.  Do the best I can and if my focus is on the little people in my life than the rest will take care of myself.  I promise I will put down my books and blog more.  Promise!

Painful Steps Toward Recovery...

I am becoming much more sentimental than I used to be.  I would always just take everything as it comes and things didn't get me down.  Now things are harder and I am becoming much more introspective on the journey.  For me I think things are over and that is the good thing.  The hard thing is just crossing that bridge now from being in a lot of pain to being well.  

This surgery was one of those that seemed doomed from the get go.  Despite all my assurances from Chris he managed to be running late for this and than got a speeding ticket on the way there.  I remember getting to the hospital and doing the pre-op.  Fortunately I don't remember much after that.  Because we were so late it did happen all very quickly.  My doctor is hilarious.  He is this older gentleman with a foul mouth and runs a mile a minute.  He ran in and said "Have you ever played hop scotch?" and I said yes so he responded, "great you won't have a problem then when I chop off your leg by accident!"  That is Dr. Harliss.  It is a good thing that I know he is an amazing doctor and surgeon or I would have left screaming but this is the man who saved my twins lives.  

I don't remember leaving Chris or the OR.  I'm grateful for that.  Seeing those lights just scare the crumb out of me.  I remember going out of anesthesia and the meds were not working whatsoever.  I started having a reaction on top of that with huge painful welts all over my body and needed oxygen until the next morning.  I knew things were going wrong but I didn't know how bad until all was done.  They had to put in a new IV and start from scratch with my treatment.  My poor mom and Chris had to wait for hours with out knowing if I was going to be ok.  

The rest of the recovery in hospital was as expected.  I argued with the nurses about treatment and my doctor backed me up.  I've come to expect that I will swell up like a pufferfish and so the challenge to get the water out quickly so the swelling doesn't affect my RA.  I was able to go home pretty much on time (it was a day longer than I wanted but well with in what was expected).  Where I think it has been much harder has been being home.  This has honestly hurt so much more than I expected.  I want to take the narcotic medication but it might make my stomach problems worse.  So I'm just really stuck sitting here and laying here in pain.  Miriam brought me lunch today b/c I think she knows I was not get up to get it.  It just hurts so badly.  

Today they took the staples out.  I think it makes sense why this sucker hurts so much.  It is hip bone to hip bone cut straight through.  Twice my c-section.  I don't feel pretty right now to be quite honest.  I feel like a bloated in pain puffer fish but I do see where it looks nicer.  My doctor keeps teasing me that I look like JLo w/o a uterus.  If it had not been medically necessary though I would not have done it.  That is when it comes down to it why I'm glad I did do this.  

That decision is still bittersweet but I know I did the right thing!  My doctor told me the day after surgery that everything was paper thin, the uterus was almost jelly like.  It all needed to be fixed.  I never would have had another successful pregnancy if I had even wanted one.  I know I didn't want one but today while getting the staples out I saw an older couple I know who are having another child.  They have a lot of children and so I was surprised to see them there.  It made me wonder again, will my mind ever change 10 yrs from now and even it does what is done is done is done.  Chris has always really wanted several kids and I guess I feel I sort of broke that dream for him.  Ironically he is the most supportive and has been vocal about me doing what is right.  It is still difficult for me though b/c I see him see a new born baby and he melts.  This was his dream that is over now and I don't take it lightly.

At this point I just have to accept I will have feelings like this but it is time to move forward.  I'm excited for this pain to end!  To be able to walk again and drive.  To wrestle with my babies.   This part of my life is over.  I did the right thing and now it is time to move on.  I've been reading blogs about others who have undergone this surgery and I realize how lucky I am.  We caught things before something bad happened.  There is no cancer or other signs of lingering disease.  I just need to move forward.

Of course I can't even move to the couch very well these days.  This is a frustrating point in my life.  So I just have to keep reminding myself that all this pain will pass and when it does my life will be better for the pain I went through.  It is time to move forward from what has been a very painful year and I am very ready!  Maybe next year we can do a nice vacation or I can start working towards some of those dreams I put off because of everything else going on.  The most important thing is that this pain will pass.

The final step in so many ways...

I always count this year starting in December with the car crash on the eighth.  Than there was the surgery in January, got my amoebas which led to the procedure & surgery in March, and on the last day of March the big crash.  That one really did knock the wind from my sails.  These last few months I've been chilling and trying to reconnect with life.  

Than slowly it became apparent that the problems I've been having for over a year needed to be resolved. I had a choice to try more possible options but my two favorite doctors both recommended the nuclear option, a hysterectomy and at this point I'm ready to have this over with.  Since I am taking the nuclear option I am making a nice choice for myself, to fix the damage the twins did to my body.  I don't think I would be getting this part done but since I am already under the knife having my 2 c-sections it makes sense to get the rest cleaned up and looking nicely.

It is hard though.  I'm still struggling from after effects from my accident and now the idea of being in the hospital tomorrow has me so nervous.  Like I joke with Miriam all this stuff this year is too fresh in my mind to go in tomorrow and not be painfully aware of how physically and emotionally difficult this will be.  All the pain I've been through this year is so fresh in my mind, I think it might be scaring me more than this surgery really will be.  Worse I google things and so I freak myself out more.  I think tomorrow when I see those lights when I get sent to the OR I will have a full heart attack.  That is always the worse.  


I don't really want to do this surgery at all but I know at this point it is much better than another smaller one and ending up in another OR in another couple of months.  The hardest part oddly enough has been knowing the finality of never having more kids.  I knew I wasn't but I always felt a certain comfort in knowing the option was hypothetically out there.  It would not be safe medically for me to get pregnant again and honestly I have three wonderful kids.  I really do feel our family is complete but this is very final and I am mourning it.  The other day I was at Target and saw some really really cute baby girl newborn outfits in the sales section.  That feeling never again was pretty apparent.  I will never hold a new baby in my arms that is mine again.

So instead of all the fears I have I'm trying to focus in better on the joys I have coming up.  I have bought SOOOO much stuff for the twins party already (including getting a custom made piñata).  It is in a few weeks and hope everyone just comes out. My sister though is coming and I've not seen her for Christmas, that means the world to me.  Harm started soccer and Rachel is now in 2 classes doing tap, ballet, gym, and jazz.  Cally is going to do a music class with me.  I'm trying to make goals to start writing again and maybe join a swim class to exercise.  I want to take Chris on a special trip next year.  

I really appreciate the support I've gotten.  I'm surprised I don't have friends go... again?  This year has been as hard as they get with out losing someone.  When it is all said and done though life goes on and I've got a lot to go on for.  I just need to get through all this and than we party!

Goodbyes to people who have loved my kids!

Today was a hard day. Since I'm having surgery Monday we said goodbye to our EI team officially today. We still have transition stuff but this was our last scheduled therapy day. I put together a nice lunch for everyone to celebrate such a special milestone. Here is the group except for our social worker who moved to Taos not too long ago.

Deryl FT started when they were 3 wks old and still in hospital.

Jorge FSC/DS started when they were 5 months old.

Sherrie OT was our newest team member who started a year ago

Amanda SLP started when they were 11 months

Marcia PT started when they were 6 months

This is a very special milestone.  These great people helped me handle the challenges of premature infants, Callum with severe torticollis, helped Rachel do all she has, helped me learn to navigate resources, and sometimes just talked me off the cliff.  Having 3 kids who each have had unique challenges I realize how wonderful people like this are.   Callum today has no delays.  Rachel is doing amazingly well despite her diagnoses.  I couldn't have done it on my own and these special people helped us!

Harmon had his own amazing team but only for about a year.  Ruben, Ronnie, Andrea, and a few other great people helped him in feeding therapy and community events like swim.  Theresa his OT we still keep in touch with well.  She was so great teaching me how to handle challenges that came with such a unique child.  Anytime I had a problem I would come to her and together we would research it and try ideas until there was a solution.  She taught me how to handle challenges I encounter with each of the kids. We haven't ever run into Jenny, his speech therapist even though she came to our house 2x a month for a year.  That lady was just so sweet.  Judson was a total character and used to jump over Harm's head like a gymnast.  He now works with Deryl.  His old FSC passed Bobbie passed on a few months after Harmon exited.    She was amazing.  She spent her entire life just helping kids until her last months.  I wish I had been able to do what I did for the twins team and really say goodbye better.  

Today though is chance for me to say thank you.  Even though the kids probably won't remember all the help and joy each of these special people gave them I want them to know there were special people who helped them talk or walk.  Each one has shown us so much love and I will never be able to say thanks enough for that.

My babies went to school :(

Well today was the first day of school.  I would write more but honestly I'm just wasted.  We had an event tonight and afterward Chris and I just cuddled.  It seems like our life went from this stable drive to warp speed.  It didn't feel real at all when Chris put the kids in the car and left.  Miriam didn't come till later and that was that.  

It was a day I looked forward to so much and yet as I sat at my computer to work, my heart just broke. It was just quiet and lonely.  I cried a little.  I go back and forth between loving and hating this.  Part of me wants is like: WOHOO!!!!!  And part of me is like: where are my babies???  I just hate to admit it but gee change is really difficult for me.  This year they are all 1/2 day.  I could do full day but I'm not ready for that.  I would rather sit and moan how hard it is to balance everything and still have them at my computer saying: "mom, mom, momma, mommy, mummy... what are you doing?" than have too much silence.  

As per the kids they did well but it wasn't easy.  Harm misses the small quiet class he was in with special education.  Some of the boys were a little mean to him :(  He is not used to not being the cool kid.  Fortunately a friend's child who knows Harm at church stood up for him.  I was grateful for that.  I worry how he will do but I know this is a good step forward.  He is a smart great kid.  I know he will do this and do great.

Rachel is in the Rachel world.  Rachel world is a good happy place I'm learning.  She didn't really play with other kids but she was just so very happy.  I saw her first and she was playing with a toy kitchen.  She saw me and her little eyes just lit up: "Mommy I missed you so much, I love you!"  She jumped into my arms and than said: "I love school, I made you dinner."  I'm excited for her b/c she is going to finally get girlfriends (besides Miriam and I).  She is going to have fun finding a friend who finally wants to play dolls :)

Cally was my big heartbreak of the day.  He had tears in his eyes when I came in.  It seems like his brother was picking on him a little (at the end of the day they do recess together).  I guess if Harm is his worse problem he will do fine.  He was the most tired.  I feel like I just want to take him home and keep him with me.  I asked him: did you make friends, and he responded: "no, no I didn't!"  Later on though he told me how happy he was b/c he can do anything now, he is a big boy.

He is a big boy and they are big kids.  Monday Harm got his fingerprints on our car when he had suncreen on it.  I could have been angry but I realize they will wash off and man he is so just a great kid.  Perhaps in this situation it is Mommy and Daddy who need to be big and let their kids fly a little.  I will always think of the old poem on these days:

Sometimes you get discouraged
Because I am so small
And always leave my fingerprints
On furniture and walls
But every day I'm growing --
I'll be grown some day
And all those tiny handprints
Will surely fade away
So here's a little handprint
Just so you can recall
Exactly how my fingers looked
When I was very small