The final step in so many ways...

I always count this year starting in December with the car crash on the eighth.  Than there was the surgery in January, got my amoebas which led to the procedure & surgery in March, and on the last day of March the big crash.  That one really did knock the wind from my sails.  These last few months I've been chilling and trying to reconnect with life.  

Than slowly it became apparent that the problems I've been having for over a year needed to be resolved. I had a choice to try more possible options but my two favorite doctors both recommended the nuclear option, a hysterectomy and at this point I'm ready to have this over with.  Since I am taking the nuclear option I am making a nice choice for myself, to fix the damage the twins did to my body.  I don't think I would be getting this part done but since I am already under the knife having my 2 c-sections it makes sense to get the rest cleaned up and looking nicely.

It is hard though.  I'm still struggling from after effects from my accident and now the idea of being in the hospital tomorrow has me so nervous.  Like I joke with Miriam all this stuff this year is too fresh in my mind to go in tomorrow and not be painfully aware of how physically and emotionally difficult this will be.  All the pain I've been through this year is so fresh in my mind, I think it might be scaring me more than this surgery really will be.  Worse I google things and so I freak myself out more.  I think tomorrow when I see those lights when I get sent to the OR I will have a full heart attack.  That is always the worse.  


I don't really want to do this surgery at all but I know at this point it is much better than another smaller one and ending up in another OR in another couple of months.  The hardest part oddly enough has been knowing the finality of never having more kids.  I knew I wasn't but I always felt a certain comfort in knowing the option was hypothetically out there.  It would not be safe medically for me to get pregnant again and honestly I have three wonderful kids.  I really do feel our family is complete but this is very final and I am mourning it.  The other day I was at Target and saw some really really cute baby girl newborn outfits in the sales section.  That feeling never again was pretty apparent.  I will never hold a new baby in my arms that is mine again.

So instead of all the fears I have I'm trying to focus in better on the joys I have coming up.  I have bought SOOOO much stuff for the twins party already (including getting a custom made piñata).  It is in a few weeks and hope everyone just comes out. My sister though is coming and I've not seen her for Christmas, that means the world to me.  Harm started soccer and Rachel is now in 2 classes doing tap, ballet, gym, and jazz.  Cally is going to do a music class with me.  I'm trying to make goals to start writing again and maybe join a swim class to exercise.  I want to take Chris on a special trip next year.  

I really appreciate the support I've gotten.  I'm surprised I don't have friends go... again?  This year has been as hard as they get with out losing someone.  When it is all said and done though life goes on and I've got a lot to go on for.  I just need to get through all this and than we party!