Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Halloween Cuteness and Scariness...


I always love Halloween but since my mom's funeral was that same week it was a wash for us but for funsies here are a couple of shots of what we did.


The best part was Rachel.  All of her girl cousins were Disney Princesses (each one) but no my daughter wanted to be scary.  She was the cutest scary bones I've seen!  But I loved Harmon in his Harry Potter.  He choose that because he is currently on book 4 and being a geek just like my mom he loves to read.  Than of course I can't say Harm and Rach were the best because Cally took his Wolverine so seriously!  It was so cute.


This year there were funeral flowers rather than decorations.  No costumes for me and no parties at the house.  Maybe next year.  But I'm grateful the kids had a great time and thats all that matters.

Ballet Shoes and Hotel Schools...

In early September I was offered a great opportunity, I'm doing graphic design and marketing for the School of Hotel Restaurant and Tourism College at NMSU.  It's been great.  I'm not used to having a real office in an office building yet, after working from my couch for five years; but it's an amazing opportunity and everyone is wonderful.  I get paid to do art.  It's so cool!  So find us on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter ;)  But that's not my only cool thing!


The dance program at Gym Magic has been disjointed since our wonderful Miss Jackie had to step back as head of the program about two years ago (although she still teaches Rachey on Saturday).  So I was asked if I wanted to teach a technique class since my first degree was in Theater and Dance.  I have a tiny little class and they are dollies.  It's not easy to dance even basic things with my RA but I am so grateful that with all the treatment I can do enough so the girls can follow and do it along with me.  I cursed those meds all Summer but I wouldn't be able to do this with out them.  Still, nothing stops me from tub soaking for an hour when I get home in Epsom Salts.  The best part is having Rachey in my class.  She loves me so much and she tells all the girls that I can love them but I'll love her more, and she is soooooo right!


In the next few weeks I am going to be deciding if I want to do the dance thing more and relaunch their program.  With everything that has happened it's been hard as hell to focus on my grad school.  I'm grateful for these two bright spots in my life.

Bottling Happiness!

So my doctor in El Paso had a big frank discussion today with me.  My blood tests showed some numbers that were lagging and some lost weight.  I got the whole, "I can treat your symptoms with medication but if you're not taking care of yourself it doesn't matter."  Afterwards I took a walk in my mom's cemetery and stumbled upon a section for small children and babies who had passed.  It made me think about close I was to losing Rachey and how precious each of my children are.


It made me realize that the only thing that has kept me going are my angels here on earth with me.  I don't know where I would be if it were not for them.  When I'm with them, each of them makes me smile.  I have to fix boo boos and break up toy fights.  They need balanced meals and warm clean clothes.  I watch them at the gym just nailing their jumps or I talk to their teachers and hear how they are being kind to other students.  We eat yummies and just always cuddle.


The fact is that you can't blame the flu on sadness but my doctor is correct.  Eating well and taking better care of myself is something I need to do more of.  But what she might not know is that I do have a magical elixir that has and will keep me going.   It won't be easy and it's not easy but I am grateful everyday for all my little joys.


Sunday, November 2, 2014

And my mom passed...


For anyone who reads this blog or knows me in person, knows that I am a HUGE fan of Halloween.  Like Harmon told his teacher the other day, we do Christmas, Hanukah but our real holiday is Halloween.  This year though I haven't done much of anything and what I did do was more going through the motions for the sake of the kids than wanting to do it.


My mom in late September was transferred to a nursing home, the only one her insurance would approve and unbeknownst to me she was being neglected.  I don't know if I could ever forgive myself for not knowing.  She was transferred to Del Sol Hospital the first week of October with pneumonia, MRSA, bedsores, and severe bladder infection.  After 2.5 weeks treating her there, there was nothing left to be done.  As medical power of attorney I made the difficult decision that she either die in a hospital in far east El Paso or we move her to Las Cruces in Hospice care, basically giving up any other major medical intervention.


About 10 days later with her family all around her she died.  I was there those final moments and when she passed I could almost feel her joy in the room.  I knew she wasn't in pain anymore and she was happy.  I have full faith in Heaven and in God that we will be reunited again.  After all of that was funeral planning, she was buried in 48 hrs, and than services were held last Wednesday.


Now I'm sort of just trying to recover from all the shock.  Part of me wonders wants to just quit my job and school and take time to grieve.  The other part of me knows that will only make this so much worse if I do.  But I've not had time to grieve.  Since this started I've taken on so much responsibility to try and care for my mom and now that she is no longer here I realize everything I've lost.  She was my best friend.  We were like really weird twins who shared the same heart and now that she is gone my heart is just broken and empty. She was only sixty five and way too young.  She got sick on July 22, having been perfectly fine just days before hanging out at my house and she died on October 23.  Almost in three months her life filled with love and beauty just quickly burnt out and it makes no sense to me.


I know she doesn't want me wallowing in grief but I am hurting and grieving.  I've gone through so much in life and minus a couple of hiccups the only person that I've always been able to depend on was my mother.  No matter how horrible things got together we could laugh and smile through anything.  The thing that is keeping me going are my babies.  They are so wonderful and I know with them I will make it through this time.  Caring for them while helping my brother and father has been cathartic.  I know I will move on, I just don't think I really know how to at this point.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Halloween Cuteness and Scariness...


I always love Halloween but since my mom's funeral was that same week it was a wash for us but for funsies here are a couple of shots of what we did.


The best part was Rachel.  All of her girl cousins were Disney Princesses (each one) but no my daughter wanted to be scary.  She was the cutest scary bones I've seen!  But I loved Harmon in his Harry Potter.  He choose that because he is currently on book 4 and being a geek just like my mom he loves to read.  Than of course I can't say Harm and Rach were the best because Cally took his Wolverine so seriously!  It was so cute.


This year there were funeral flowers rather than decorations.  No costumes for me and no parties at the house.  Maybe next year.  But I'm grateful the kids had a great time and thats all that matters.

Ballet Shoes and Hotel Schools...

In early September I was offered a great opportunity, I'm doing graphic design and marketing for the School of Hotel Restaurant and Tourism College at NMSU.  It's been great.  I'm not used to having a real office in an office building yet, after working from my couch for five years; but it's an amazing opportunity and everyone is wonderful.  I get paid to do art.  It's so cool!  So find us on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter ;)  But that's not my only cool thing!


The dance program at Gym Magic has been disjointed since our wonderful Miss Jackie had to step back as head of the program about two years ago (although she still teaches Rachey on Saturday).  So I was asked if I wanted to teach a technique class since my first degree was in Theater and Dance.  I have a tiny little class and they are dollies.  It's not easy to dance even basic things with my RA but I am so grateful that with all the treatment I can do enough so the girls can follow and do it along with me.  I cursed those meds all Summer but I wouldn't be able to do this with out them.  Still, nothing stops me from tub soaking for an hour when I get home in Epsom Salts.  The best part is having Rachey in my class.  She loves me so much and she tells all the girls that I can love them but I'll love her more, and she is soooooo right!


In the next few weeks I am going to be deciding if I want to do the dance thing more and relaunch their program.  With everything that has happened it's been hard as hell to focus on my grad school.  I'm grateful for these two bright spots in my life.

Bottling Happiness!

So my doctor in El Paso had a big frank discussion today with me.  My blood tests showed some numbers that were lagging and some lost weight.  I got the whole, "I can treat your symptoms with medication but if you're not taking care of yourself it doesn't matter."  Afterwards I took a walk in my mom's cemetery and stumbled upon a section for small children and babies who had passed.  It made me think about close I was to losing Rachey and how precious each of my children are.


It made me realize that the only thing that has kept me going are my angels here on earth with me.  I don't know where I would be if it were not for them.  When I'm with them, each of them makes me smile.  I have to fix boo boos and break up toy fights.  They need balanced meals and warm clean clothes.  I watch them at the gym just nailing their jumps or I talk to their teachers and hear how they are being kind to other students.  We eat yummies and just always cuddle.


The fact is that you can't blame the flu on sadness but my doctor is correct.  Eating well and taking better care of myself is something I need to do more of.  But what she might not know is that I do have a magical elixir that has and will keep me going.   It won't be easy and it's not easy but I am grateful everyday for all my little joys.


Sunday, November 2, 2014

And my mom passed...


For anyone who reads this blog or knows me in person, knows that I am a HUGE fan of Halloween.  Like Harmon told his teacher the other day, we do Christmas, Hanukah but our real holiday is Halloween.  This year though I haven't done much of anything and what I did do was more going through the motions for the sake of the kids than wanting to do it.


My mom in late September was transferred to a nursing home, the only one her insurance would approve and unbeknownst to me she was being neglected.  I don't know if I could ever forgive myself for not knowing.  She was transferred to Del Sol Hospital the first week of October with pneumonia, MRSA, bedsores, and severe bladder infection.  After 2.5 weeks treating her there, there was nothing left to be done.  As medical power of attorney I made the difficult decision that she either die in a hospital in far east El Paso or we move her to Las Cruces in Hospice care, basically giving up any other major medical intervention.


About 10 days later with her family all around her she died.  I was there those final moments and when she passed I could almost feel her joy in the room.  I knew she wasn't in pain anymore and she was happy.  I have full faith in Heaven and in God that we will be reunited again.  After all of that was funeral planning, she was buried in 48 hrs, and than services were held last Wednesday.


Now I'm sort of just trying to recover from all the shock.  Part of me wonders wants to just quit my job and school and take time to grieve.  The other part of me knows that will only make this so much worse if I do.  But I've not had time to grieve.  Since this started I've taken on so much responsibility to try and care for my mom and now that she is no longer here I realize everything I've lost.  She was my best friend.  We were like really weird twins who shared the same heart and now that she is gone my heart is just broken and empty. She was only sixty five and way too young.  She got sick on July 22, having been perfectly fine just days before hanging out at my house and she died on October 23.  Almost in three months her life filled with love and beauty just quickly burnt out and it makes no sense to me.


I know she doesn't want me wallowing in grief but I am hurting and grieving.  I've gone through so much in life and minus a couple of hiccups the only person that I've always been able to depend on was my mother.  No matter how horrible things got together we could laugh and smile through anything.  The thing that is keeping me going are my babies.  They are so wonderful and I know with them I will make it through this time.  Caring for them while helping my brother and father has been cathartic.  I know I will move on, I just don't think I really know how to at this point.