And my mom passed...

For anyone who reads this blog or knows me in person, knows that I am a HUGE fan of Halloween.  Like Harmon told his teacher the other day, we do Christmas, Hanukah but our real holiday is Halloween.  This year though I haven't done much of anything and what I did do was more going through the motions for the sake of the kids than wanting to do it.

My mom in late September was transferred to a nursing home, the only one her insurance would approve and unbeknownst to me she was being neglected.  I don't know if I could ever forgive myself for not knowing.  She was transferred to Del Sol Hospital the first week of October with pneumonia, MRSA, bedsores, and severe bladder infection.  After 2.5 weeks treating her there, there was nothing left to be done.  As medical power of attorney I made the difficult decision that she either die in a hospital in far east El Paso or we move her to Las Cruces in Hospice care, basically giving up any other major medical intervention.

About 10 days later with her family all around her she died.  I was there those final moments and when she passed I could almost feel her joy in the room.  I knew she wasn't in pain anymore and she was happy.  I have full faith in Heaven and in God that we will be reunited again.  After all of that was funeral planning, she was buried in 48 hrs, and than services were held last Wednesday.

Now I'm sort of just trying to recover from all the shock.  Part of me wonders wants to just quit my job and school and take time to grieve.  The other part of me knows that will only make this so much worse if I do.  But I've not had time to grieve.  Since this started I've taken on so much responsibility to try and care for my mom and now that she is no longer here I realize everything I've lost.  She was my best friend.  We were like really weird twins who shared the same heart and now that she is gone my heart is just broken and empty. She was only sixty five and way too young.  She got sick on July 22, having been perfectly fine just days before hanging out at my house and she died on October 23.  Almost in three months her life filled with love and beauty just quickly burnt out and it makes no sense to me.

I know she doesn't want me wallowing in grief but I am hurting and grieving.  I've gone through so much in life and minus a couple of hiccups the only person that I've always been able to depend on was my mother.  No matter how horrible things got together we could laugh and smile through anything.  The thing that is keeping me going are my babies.  They are so wonderful and I know with them I will make it through this time.  Caring for them while helping my brother and father has been cathartic.  I know I will move on, I just don't think I really know how to at this point.