Painful Steps Toward Recovery...

I am becoming much more sentimental than I used to be.  I would always just take everything as it comes and things didn't get me down.  Now things are harder and I am becoming much more introspective on the journey.  For me I think things are over and that is the good thing.  The hard thing is just crossing that bridge now from being in a lot of pain to being well.  

This surgery was one of those that seemed doomed from the get go.  Despite all my assurances from Chris he managed to be running late for this and than got a speeding ticket on the way there.  I remember getting to the hospital and doing the pre-op.  Fortunately I don't remember much after that.  Because we were so late it did happen all very quickly.  My doctor is hilarious.  He is this older gentleman with a foul mouth and runs a mile a minute.  He ran in and said "Have you ever played hop scotch?" and I said yes so he responded, "great you won't have a problem then when I chop off your leg by accident!"  That is Dr. Harliss.  It is a good thing that I know he is an amazing doctor and surgeon or I would have left screaming but this is the man who saved my twins lives.  

I don't remember leaving Chris or the OR.  I'm grateful for that.  Seeing those lights just scare the crumb out of me.  I remember going out of anesthesia and the meds were not working whatsoever.  I started having a reaction on top of that with huge painful welts all over my body and needed oxygen until the next morning.  I knew things were going wrong but I didn't know how bad until all was done.  They had to put in a new IV and start from scratch with my treatment.  My poor mom and Chris had to wait for hours with out knowing if I was going to be ok.  

The rest of the recovery in hospital was as expected.  I argued with the nurses about treatment and my doctor backed me up.  I've come to expect that I will swell up like a pufferfish and so the challenge to get the water out quickly so the swelling doesn't affect my RA.  I was able to go home pretty much on time (it was a day longer than I wanted but well with in what was expected).  Where I think it has been much harder has been being home.  This has honestly hurt so much more than I expected.  I want to take the narcotic medication but it might make my stomach problems worse.  So I'm just really stuck sitting here and laying here in pain.  Miriam brought me lunch today b/c I think she knows I was not get up to get it.  It just hurts so badly.  

Today they took the staples out.  I think it makes sense why this sucker hurts so much.  It is hip bone to hip bone cut straight through.  Twice my c-section.  I don't feel pretty right now to be quite honest.  I feel like a bloated in pain puffer fish but I do see where it looks nicer.  My doctor keeps teasing me that I look like JLo w/o a uterus.  If it had not been medically necessary though I would not have done it.  That is when it comes down to it why I'm glad I did do this.  

That decision is still bittersweet but I know I did the right thing!  My doctor told me the day after surgery that everything was paper thin, the uterus was almost jelly like.  It all needed to be fixed.  I never would have had another successful pregnancy if I had even wanted one.  I know I didn't want one but today while getting the staples out I saw an older couple I know who are having another child.  They have a lot of children and so I was surprised to see them there.  It made me wonder again, will my mind ever change 10 yrs from now and even it does what is done is done is done.  Chris has always really wanted several kids and I guess I feel I sort of broke that dream for him.  Ironically he is the most supportive and has been vocal about me doing what is right.  It is still difficult for me though b/c I see him see a new born baby and he melts.  This was his dream that is over now and I don't take it lightly.

At this point I just have to accept I will have feelings like this but it is time to move forward.  I'm excited for this pain to end!  To be able to walk again and drive.  To wrestle with my babies.   This part of my life is over.  I did the right thing and now it is time to move on.  I've been reading blogs about others who have undergone this surgery and I realize how lucky I am.  We caught things before something bad happened.  There is no cancer or other signs of lingering disease.  I just need to move forward.

Of course I can't even move to the couch very well these days.  This is a frustrating point in my life.  So I just have to keep reminding myself that all this pain will pass and when it does my life will be better for the pain I went through.  It is time to move forward from what has been a very painful year and I am very ready!  Maybe next year we can do a nice vacation or I can start working towards some of those dreams I put off because of everything else going on.  The most important thing is that this pain will pass.