Marching for Babies (from my computer)

This weekend was Las Cruces' annual March of Dimes, March for Babies.  We participate every year no matter what b/c I owe a lot to this organization.  Their work helped save our twin's lives!  This year with the accident, I wasn't the captain at the helm for Team Cupcakes but we did better than ever!

I owe a special thanks to everyone in our company for the hard work they did.  HB manned a check point and all the employees helped out in one way or another with the check point and it was touching.  They didn't have too, it was Saturday morning, but they were out there with their dogs, kids, friends, working their trash off.  My sister in law, Melissa rocked it the best at the check point making sure each walker got a bag.  We had a party at my house to put everything together and Miriam our nanny ran that show.  She rocked it!  Our office manager Stephanie did the t-shirts.  It was everyone though and considering that it was showcase I'm so touched.

I only got to be there physically for a few minutes and my role was limited.  I felt bad but I'll be back next year.  In the plus side as a team we did great and I'm so grateful for everyone.  We the dust settled we might have earned 17,000 or more.  That is a pretty good contribution and great tribute to our cupcakes!

At least I'm doing one thing great!

I find it interesting.  Since being in the accident I've been told a lot about "how" I should be should be feeling and "what" I should be doing.  The opinions vary greatly.  It seems like one person is disappointed in me for not doing more while others are disappointed for doing so much.  

At the end of the day though I have 3 big fans: Rachel, Callum, and of course Harmon.  They get it, Momma needs love b/c she has an ouchy.  This week was some crummy news, I will be in the cast longer and my head injury isn't healing as we thought it would.  I got a little down in the dumps for the first time in a while after all this.  But my babies just keep cheering me on.  I love being with them and I love them.  All three are special and delightful!

This week I have felt kicked down, but I know things are not that bad.  It is easy when the crap piles up on you to feel bad.  It is the trick of pulling yourself up.  Miriam is a great influence of hope for me and I'm surrounded by great people.  I know this will pass.  I just wish it would pass already!

I chopped off my hair and rearranged the house :p

Last night was my final straw.  I was so tired.  It was the first day of trying to take off my Sarmiento Cast (it is a removable hard cast used for collar bone and shoulder fractures) and use a sling.  It was painful.  Than Harm woke me up 5 times last night (he has been having nightmares and night terrors every night since the accident, my poor guy).  So I was in pain and tired today.   But instead of whining I figured out things.

So this morning I made a list of getting my home/life more organized.  The top of my list was Harmon.  We talked and he told me he missed his brother.  That when I was in the hospital he slept in the bed with him.  So we made the rash decision about dismantling his bedroom and picking out some bunk beds.  Since of course they are both are six we are doing side by side for now but the bunks are an available option.  Tonight they were just thrilled!  Both are excited to share.  I will have to remind them of that when they are 12 and want their own rooms again ;)

One of my secret vices are sales.  We got lucky b/c last Summer Target had a huge clearance sale on bedding.  I bought about $350 with 3 bedding sets (Harm's turtle room and 2 "on the move") for about $100.  I got wall decals, night lights, full quilts, sheets, etc.  Rachel's room was a staged room from one our abandoned models.  My mother in law designed it for our old Vista model.  It is nice to see that room totally done now.  So that means the crib mattresses, changing table, toddler beds, etc. are all gone.  Besides a drawer for diapers there are really no more signs of "baby hood" in my home.  It is sad in a way but it is so cute to see the big little humans they are becoming!!!

Another thing I realized was that with the Sarmiento permanently gone in a couple of weeks I can wash my hair again on my own!!!  WOHOO!!!!  But it will be a long while till I can flat iron it probably.  So I bit the bullet and had my beautiful Aurora (long time hair dresser) just cut it.  It was 5 inches off in the back (I wear a lot of framing layers so it didn't look as different from the front).  It has been many years since I've had short hair but I think I like it!  

My "to do" list that I made is pretty scary but I feel good that I have it done.  I feel great knowing that we have the kids especially in a better place.  I have to remember that we are all still sort of healing from the accident.  Tomorrow it is a lot of paperwork and March of Dimes.  There is an old saying though that asks: "How do you eat an elephant"?" and the answer is "one bite at a time."  That is what I'm doing.  But elephant tastes good so it isn't that bad :p

Being a Mommy in cutting edge broken arm fashion!

There is a certain Mommy Blogger who I love to read simply b/c it is funny. She has all these corporate sponsors and she always takes pictures of herself doing the most mundane things looking like a million dollars. Like this...

I guess 65 years later and us women still want to look our best in pearls. Even if it doesn't match the reality of a working modern mom. Heck we all know it wasn't the reality back then either, those ladies had to ration just a few years earlier. Still no one wants themselves looking like this:

Even if it isn't daily reality, they want themselves looking like this:

That is where my wonderment about this mommy blogger was. While I find it ridiculous to "stage" my life and spend the whole day modeling, I'm not the happiest walking around looking like I could be part of the dead people in the movies, The Others. I guess especially with all that has happened I realize I need to try my best to feel good about myself. So how do you that when you can't even clip your hair up or put lotion on your feet? These are some of my ideas.

First off torn t-shirts were not working. So I pulled out the best no sleeves outfit in my closet. Remember this?

Yes, that is me in a swim coverup (drinking soda, not rum). We repurposed it into this:

And we even added a few little ribbons so it wouldn't slip on me.

Miriam added some more swim coverups to my wardrobe. We even have a "church" dress. That was a 10 dollar one from Walgreens.

But when it gets cold and you have a nice event to attend you can't look like you are going to the beach...

So I came up with this number! One night it was nippy though and I was attending a nice event. So I repurposed Chris' dress shirt (which fits over the cast) into this little number. It was ode to all those "tips" I read in Glamour.

My favorite so far though was my repurposing my Indian Sari (I had several given to me as gifts from a good friend in college who hailed from Qatar) into more refined choice for a presentation today. (And yes this time I cheated with a tank top underneath and a couple of safety pins. I normally tie it but I didn't want to risk it falling off :p

Of course cutting edge fashion would not be complete without high quality shoes. While I'm not ready for Jimmy Choos I did get some fun house slippers. I also got some actually cute BORN sandals. And I got a pedicure b/c that is what you do when you can't reach your toenails.

Makeup wise friends have given me hints. Bare Minerals is great when you can't do a lot. My buddy neighbor/dentist convinced me the importance of a professional electric toothbrush. Miriam is the best though. She will do my eyeliner (if it is pencil not my usual liquid). I am doing my face cream 2x a day and using my sunscreen each day.

Baths are a little harder. I miss the old days of my bubble bath. But I am able to get into the kids bath and that is cool. My hairdresser is doing the washing these days on Friday. I miss washing it more often but I only have a couple of more weeks.

As much as I giggle at the modeling mail order bride mommy looking fabulous a minute after giving birth, she has it right about one thing. You need to keep your appearances up. It is good for the heart. You don't need to look like this every day:

Heck realistically I won't even look like "me" for a few more weeks. That doesn't matter. What matters is that you just have to look your personal best that time and circumstances allow. Take the time time to take care of yourself on the outside and most importantly in your heart.

With that said I still won't be on America's Next Top Mommy any day soon ;)

Great News! (UPDATED with more good news)

I can wait till December to get my hand reconstructed! It was going to be next week. The trick is they are going to monitor the ligaments every month and assuming I wear a brace at night we can hold off till the holidays when we have more down time. We have one more big surgical question mark, which will be my neck. Keeping my fingers crossed!!!! I do not know this one but I'm hoping we can get through therapy and time. We see the neurologist tomorrow.

I need this time to heal. I'm fried and so everyone else under this roof. So assuming everything goes well I will have my hand reconstruction the second week of December when life is as slow for the company as it is going to get. I'm going to get my shoulder cast off in 2-4 wks. I will be spending my summer swimming with my critters. Maybe taking a class or two for fun, and get strong again. Maybe if I can steak Chris away, just maybe, even a quick jaunt to my ocean. It is going to be a FABULOUS b/c let's be honest I've had a tough first half of the year and we are due for some good stuff.

GREAT UPDATE: Neck surgery for damaged disks is also going to be put on hold. We all agreed my body has been through so much and since the pain blocks are working well at this point lets see how I react to physical therapy and than decide what route to take. I hope I'm making good decisions. At this point I'm trying to just give my body time. It has gone through so much and I need just a physical and emotional break.

Two of the Smallest and Biggest of Miracles!

Despite everything, yes we are still doing the March of Dimes this year. Our walk will be the last week this month. I don't even know if I will be around for it but The March of Dimes is so important we could not miss it this year! This is our babies' story (don't worry I finally learned how to make a decent video).



Perhaps their risky birth was when I first learned how tenuous life and death is. We will always be grateful to God for the miracles they are. We also realize how important modern technology is. That is where March of Dimes comes in. It is their research and support that helped our babies be here today. So if you have a moment watch the video and if you have a few dollars to spare please join Rachel and Callum's March of Dimes Team by donating at the following link: Team Cupcakes!

Also come see us on at the walk Saturday April 28th. Our company will be the final check point. Walk starts at 8 am and registration will be at 7:30. It will be at Young Park in Las Cruces. If you can't walk with us, stop by afterward where the March of Dimes has booths and fun for the entire family.

(And special thanks this year to the Hakes Brother's Team. I really couldn't have done the team this year on my own!!!)

The good, the bad, and the Cod Pitcher...

So I'm about 3 wks out of the accident and 4 months since the drama llama came to town. I keep saying it but I really don't know how to process all of this, so tonight I'm writing about it. I'm a bit fed up by it all to be honest. I want to be back to my normal quirky perky self! I want to soak in my tub for 45 minutes reading. I want to grab my daughter and give her a bear hug or go chase my boys and attack them with kisses. It is the little things that remind me of everything. It has all been very difficult but to be honest there are also many positives. This is a mix of both.

One positive has been the day to day at home. Miriam is such a sister but except we don't fight over clothes. Our goal has been to get the kids back on schedule. Even though we are not getting as much help as we could, we both want the kids to feel secure and that is calmness and routine at home. I know it is more work for her but it is also nicer for all of us. We know each other well and there is no awkwardness. Even one handed I've been getting back in the game as much as possible and it is getting better. It has been very healing for the little ones to have that sense of normalcy during the day. We all have a lot of fun, even the DMV was great just us all being together. It is hard for Miriam but I know for her the main thing is that she just wants me back to my normal healthy happy self. I hope that happens soon, so she can go lay on a beach or visit something fun!!! One day when she has her own family I hope I can pitch in a little too.

It has been a little rocky with Chris and I. I don't think he realizes what this is like. I know he loves me. I think he has never gone through any of this. He is like, okay we did the almost dying thing... back to life! I don't blame him in a way because he never got a break. The joke is that when I was unconcious or dealing or on a morphine vacation he was the one sitting there worrying about everything. It is tough though because I just sort of want that attention from him and there really isn't time for that. I wish we had a job where you could take leave after a tragedy for a few days here and there until things were better. I think that is why Clinton did FMLA but there isn't leave when you are part of family business. It is hard to heal though when you are in line for priorities after stone for a showcase home and and training new super-intendants. I wish the world could slow down for us but it seems worse than ever b/c you know being ICU takes time and now there is so much that piled up on top of some really unrealistic goals to begin with. We just don't know how to figure out to prioritize the "musts' when everything is a must.

One fun thing has been my in person friends and my virtual friends. I really can't say enough. Some of the ladies on my online community got together and arranged some Schwan's frozen food so we could have ready to go stuff on hand. They also got me gift cards for things like gas when I have to commute to El Paso for doctors, food, iTunes, etc. My favorite was my cod-pitcher. Too funny! Miriam, Rachel and I just played with it listening to the sounds it makes and laughing. It was just really beyond kind and thoughtful. My friends locally are also just rounding around me. We are lots of fresh meals The young ladies in my church come over and be my right hand in a way so Chris can work late. They are just so cute. I love being around them and they work hard. I hope my kids take after some of these great girls. They have it going on. My family has also been so sweet helping and my mom's visits are total hoots. I really miss our Las Cruces Mom's group. I can't wait to start seeing everyone again.

The big news health-wise is that I need to have hand reconstruction. This seems odd to me personally b/c my hand hurts but the shoulder hurst much worse. That is part of the doctor's concerns. The nerve endings are supposedly severed and the joints are shattered. It might be my thumb, index, and middle. For sure my right index finger will need to be rebuilt. I knew it was coming but it is just such a kick in the gut b/c I am feeling better and stronger. Can this be over with yet????

My biggest issue will be telling the kids that mommy will be in the hospital and have to go again. I don't want them feeling I come and go as I please. I know that isn't the case and this is not my choice but it is hard for kids to understand that sort of thing. I can't feel guilt over thing beyond my control but when it comes to being a parent and you can't be there, I don't know to not feel bad about that. They don't understand why I have an ouchie and can't take them swimming. Why I'm tired a lot lately. They shouldn't have to understand these things. But they do have to go through them and for that my heart breaks for them. It is one thing when it happens to you as an adult but to see your kids worry is just crushing for me.

Personally coping with it all has been hard. I had very mild PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) with the ordeal of the twins. For quite a while afterwards the slightest cough would freak me out. I couldn't let the temperature in the home be below 82 or use formula Ieft out for 10 minutes on the counter with either of them. I would get scared if someone wanted to touch one. Everything really unnerved me and the fear of not knowing each day in the NICU if they would make it, stayed with me a log time.

I'm feeling similar issues today. Loud noises scare me. Being in a car has me unnerved. Just with the 3 critters I'm really really over protective. I've been having a lot of nightmares already from everything and when people keep asking over and over what happened that is hard too b/c it just emotionally drains me. The idea of going back to another hospital and having another surgery just felt like a punch to the gut. Being in another hospital, more anasthsia, weeks of no hand used, etc. just is getting me down. I'm normally pretty brave but I feel like Emo-Kitty wanting to go hide under my bed than jump into this with a giant shout of COWABUNGA!!!!!!

To help I started trauma counseling right away! My counselor is great and helped me know these feelings are normal. He is helping me learn to deal with each issue and overcome those irrational fears. At this point in the game I'm glad to not be alone on it all. I'm learning to take all of this piece by piece rather than trying to cope on my own with EVERYTHING. I thought being in counseling each week just for me would be very awkward and I would want to suppress some of my real feelings, but it hasn't. I had tried it a couple times previously but I was scared to open up. Now I'm really happy to just be open about the total suckage of what has happened and why I'm struggling. When I leave I feel like I'm just moving forward and it is peaceful. It is something I need to do right now. Also he loves cats more than I do and if someone loves cats that much he can't be all that bad :p

Another cathartic device has been writing and reading. I love learning and creating so this has meant a lot to me. I'm reading plays all day long and I'm expressing myself privately through journaling, play writing, and creating art work. It is a part of me that I sort have had dormant in me but lately has played a large role in bringing peace to my life. Some people have hobbies like cooking or mountain biking. This is mine. I'm updating my computer tomorrow with better software, streamlining, email, and things like that. This way I can have more time for myself. I'm trying to also read more of my scriptures and sit and relax. I didn't do things for myself before this happened so it is really important now that I do learn to do it!

So if you got this far reading I'm pretty impressed! Things are good, please don't worry about us. It is hard but life goes on. I'm lucky to have great kids, great friends, great family, and of course great pets. It is a rare time in my life I'm beginning to realize. In a couple of years this will all just be a big old memory. I just need to come to terms with it all and in time all my losses will be made whole!

You might be BAD parents when...

Yesterday was just one of those where the bad news kept coming. Also I was just worn thin. Chris was also nearing his breaking point and so was Miriam. Some days since the accident we are all really just flourishing. At other times though to be honest we are holding it together with our teeth it feels like.

So of course I knew Miriam was supposed to pick up Harm from school but I was busy getting a medical procedure done that was taking a couple of hours. Miriam thought Chris was going to do it and Chris figured two of our friends were helping. So of course mid-procedure I get a text: it has been 20 mins, who is getting Harmon? They really need to get here.

I freaked (which caused the procedure to take longer). I sent Chris right away since the office is very close to school. He said the teacher was fuming and told him very sarcastically, "this is an important not to forget isn't it? More important than a house." I felt bad. It was my fault and he got thrown under the bus. Harm never noticed. We all made a mistake. You would think one of 3 parents wouldn't forget :(

What is all this life thing about?

In life it is easy to get caught up in the world around you. Tell me the word Easter and I think BUNNIES!!! I love bunnies. But I am deeper than that and perhaps because of all that has happened I've been thinking so much about what I really believe in. So this is just a glimpse of faith in my eyes.

When I was little I loved the old Jewish teachings of the significance of the Passover. If you followed God's will (by sacrificing the lamb and smearing the blood on the door of your home) the destroying angel would passover you and spare the life of those you love. I still believe in that.

It always saddened me about the lamb that died. I know, I'm odd, but what did that creature do to have to suffer?

Unleavened bread is something that also always inspired me. God said leave, don't sit around there waiting for the bread to rise. GO!

In LDS teaching I later learned of the atonement, crucifixion and resurrection of Christ. It was the Passover that represented what was to come. Christ as the lamb to protect us from the destruction of sin and the Devil.

That idea of being protected I truly is real. God loves me. He loves my children. It hasn't been easy. As RA slowly takes away my body I've always embraced the hope that it will be made whole. I've stared death in my face and I'm still here. I should have died as a teen. I could have died in my twenties, and now I know I almost died this month.

I still don't understand why the suffering and why I'm here. Contemplating Passover and Easter this weekend has me more baffled how sensible life just doesn't make sense. I guess I just have to have faith. I don't know why we suffer so as humans. I just know if we do what we should the Destroying Angel passes us by. That when it is our time, these things will make sense. I try not to think what is ahead of me next... if I will ever go through more pain why I have already endured. It scares me to think of the unknown suffering.

Rather I feel in my heart I need to focus on God and trust in him. If you live in fear what is the point of living. Like Wesley said in Princess Bride: "Life is pain Princess". But it is also joy!!! I need to focus on the miracle of life and not the bad stuff. I want to be better to others. Smile more, whine less, work harder and love my life. I see my kids when they look into my eyes and I know God is good. I'm still grasping the idea of Christ, it is still very new to me, but I do believe he is real. I think about what he endured and it makes things more bearable. I don't know why all this is what it is. I simply know that God has protected me and no matter what this life is a small moment in a grander scheme. I guess that is what Passover and Easter to me is all about.

Maybe the Easter Bunny is real!

For us it is and her name is Joy. As from my last post I wasn't doing baskets this year or eggs or much of anything. My friend Joy decided on her own that she wanted to make each child a beatuiful basket, dye tons of eggs for us, and she got each a bunny. It was so beautiful. The kids are excited for tomorrow (they got the bunny today as a teaser). We had some small toys I had got on clearance and stuck them it to the baskets. It is perfect. I can't believe the time and sweetness this took. The craziest part was that she didn't know about our accident. She knew about me being in Providence for herna surgery and I think she just felt we needed this help. I can't believe such kindness. So many of our friends and family have reached out. It means the world. Happy Easter and Passover to everyone!

The Easter Bunny is Broken This Year!

So last year I wanted to make Easter perfect and than I realized I was moving that Friday before and my house was not done yet. It was shaky! This year I wish I was back in that ball of stress rather than being in the predicament I'm just physically so limited.

So today my friend Jaimie and I were chatting and she mentioned Easter this weekend. I'm thinking... NO! It can't be easter!!!! I can't even dress myself. I can't cook us anything!!! The boys don't have outfits yet (Miriam picked out an amazing dress for Rachel that will be perfect for Easter and we even had found a little hat before the accident)!!! It doesn't feel like it.

Vintage Twinkies

The funny thing is that I guess those things don't matter. I had bought some clearance toys on a business trip in early January that was to be the kid's toys for Christmas but heck they are going to have a killer Easter. Tonight Chris picked up some dye for eggs and we found some bunny ears for the kids to wear. I got Chris a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup Bunny. It is his favorite. I also ordered us some tamales and with Chris' hands and my harping we made some of my favorite pinto beans in the crockpot to slow cook overnight. So we will have a pretty untraditional day on Sunday. I hope to go to church at least just to see everyone but who knows... It will be nice nonetheless!!!!

Vintage Harm

Life one handed is frustrating but it has putting me in perspective more and more. I want to go Holiday crazy but we CAN NOT DO IT!!!! There is no physical way. What I can do though is teach my little critters about the real meaning of Easter with the resurrection. I also hope to start teaching them about the passover this year (we started with Hanukah and Purim earlier). The other stuff is nice but I think if the turkey dinner and ornate baskets are cut, who cares? Let's celebrate the real things that matter!!!

I keep thinking more and more that maybe God has been trying to giving me wake up calls to slow it down these last 4 months (it all started it on on Dec 3rd with the first accident with the DUI lady). I just still won't stop pushing myself. I don't have a choice though right now and the simplifying is refreshingly nice. I can't wait to spend Sunday with my babies!!!

Closing doors and new directions :)

]Today I got sad news that I would not be able to a few things that has given me joy for a while. It was a very big kick in the gut. Realistically I knew I would have to close the doors on certain things for a while in my life. I knew I would have to make hard choices but some of the choices got made for me and it was a kick in the gut. I wanted to be able to make the choice but considering circumstances I understand. It hurts still though.

In that sense I found out some good news as well. My kids were able to sneak into a tumble tots class and their cousin Troy is there with my wonderful Sister-In-Law Melissa. I got to eat lunch with my twins (Harm was at school) and Miriam, our nanny. We all just talked and laughed. She knew I was down but very supportive. It inspired me.

I've been taking classes for fun and it is fun! I write and hang out with theater geeks and English geeks; LIKE ME! I figured after the accident I would withdraw b/c there is too much on my plate but I hadn't done it yet. I went to my classes tonight and it was so much fun. I got my mind off the pain of the injuries, the stress of everything else, and just enjoyed being back. I felt empowered rather than just sitting around getting bad news, hearing how bad I look, and being in pain. The professors want to work with me which is so nice. It makes me wonder now that I will have more time after rehabilitation where to go and what to do..

.

Anyone who reads this blog probably has seen how I've been dipping in and out of changing things in my life. I start remolding things but get scared or feel guilted and go back to what pleases others and I know works. With the accident things have changed and I can't go back. I need to move forward. I've got great kids and I know that I'm not just doing this for me but for them as well. It is a lot to take in but I've got support and I'm not as scared anymore as I was. I feel determined that as I recover that I use this experience for good. Things happen for a reason and while I don't know the reason any person would have to fly off the freeway I'm hoping in time I can use what has happened and what I have lost as a spring point for new beginnings and a better life than perhaps I was settling for before the drama.