I'm dreaming of a Vegas Christmas...

When I first went to Las Vegas I remember two strong feelings.  I couldn't believe how magical it was, sitting at a neon ridden McDonalds across from the Stratosphere and how somehow it felt like I was home.  Now 15 years later those two feelings have never changed.

With everything that happened with my mom I obviously didn't feel like spending Christmas in the Southwest.  Thanksgiving was just completely miserable, but it was my in laws holiday.  Since we split holidays that Christmas was mine and I went home.  It was so much fun (even though I had the flu).  Yeah we did tourist things like see the gardens at Bellagio and even for my first time ever visit the Las Vegas Sign because seeing my kids discover Las Vegas makes it magical all over again.  To Chris' disdain we still always see the Coca-Cola/M&M stores etc.  The kids never tire or them.  After all we live in a town with more cows than people.

The best part was also just being a local.  My sister Eliza made up her house, planned a beautiful Christmas dinner, and just made us feel so comfortable.  She would have spent the holiday alone working so I was so happy we could all be together.  She has always been my BFF.  Than of course there was my other BFF's Jaime and Kattie and my adopted mom Bobbie.  No matter how many years it has been since we moved this is still home in my heart and the distance between friends has never changed our relationships.

Oh and I got to torture Chris with Harmon by talking about this Damn Trip!  And Damn Tour!  And don't forget the Damn Movie!

The Magical World of Harmon Potter...

Something strange and wonderful happened last year at school with Harm.  He went from being the trouble maker to the class overachiever.  I was so proud of him.  Even with this I just wasn't prepared for what would follow this year!

Yup that is my boy wonder reading book four of Harry Potter.  I quiz him after every book and this last book, book 4, he got an 89% on his Spark Notes quiz.  I've always thought he was so much like Chris and he is in many ways but I now see my mini-me.  He is getting so deep into his books, he dresses up, makes art, and writes his own fan fiction.

When I look at old posts with experts wondering if he is autistic, I just can't help but smile!  He was a tough baby and tot but now that he has the power to build things with legos, jump around crazy at gym, and read his books that boy is easy peasy to parent.  He is my little boy wonder.

Ohana...

(Me in first grade wearing the outfit we sewed together)

This year we spent Christmas in Las Vegas.  I loved it!  If I have more time tonight I will share some pictures and more details.  Still, even with distance, I missed my mother so much!  That is really why we left and to be honest when a major holiday comes and Chris' family doesn't have dibs I would rather be there than here.

When I came home I had to keep my promise to William and my dad by cleaning out everything that was my moms and together we decided what needed to be kept.  I finished that task on Thursday.  It was heart crushing (and not just because she was hoarder).  I really don't have words to describe what it is like to go through every hand written note I had ever written her.  Every single outfit she had kept of ours, every halloween costume, every picture, every outfit she wore and cleaning up the bloody clothing I found she had worn the night the ambulance got her.  It was like her whole life's treasures were all either thrown in the trash, stuck into closets, or boxed for Goodwill.  There was no doubt that my best friend is gone from this earth and no matter how hard I might wish her back she isn't coming home.

I still have a family, and I have to remember that.  While the heart has broken we are restitching the fabric.  My half siblings, who I love but don't often see have been around more.  I still can't believe they all traveled down for the funeral and again at the holidays.  My dad is doing surprisingly well.  I am proud of his strength and proud of my brother William for caring for them.  As hard as it is to see the house without my mom's stuff, I'm proud of them for rebuilding.  My local half brother and his partner Diane helped see William through to graduation by helping dad.  They've been there every
step of the way.

(My final semester at UT she came down for Halloween)

As I move on the pain doesn't get better, but I put it on a shelf and walk away from it.  I have always had unshakeable faith in God, but I still don't get why she had to go.  It's hard to feel close to God through all this.  I guess the old Jewish lady in me, feels comfortable asking God why and I imagine one day I will feel the answer or maybe she will tell me on the other side of it.  In the mean time I just have thrown myself into parenting, and into work until I can sit and feel the pain with out it breaking me.

(In High School during a speech tournaments trip to Houston)

Tonight we watched Lilo and Stitch.  I was reminded of Ohana!  It's true in family no one is ever left behind or forgotten.  I will never ever forget any memory of my mother and I.  She is me and I was her.  I looked through all the old pictures of us and I share them with my kids.  On the 9th my father celebrated his 75th birthday and I gathered all their old photos and scrapbooked them.  Last night when I gave him we both smiled and cried.  Her hoarding might be gone, but she will never be forgotten.

(Middle School with my crazy brother and mom during the holidays)

(A home game at UT with my mom visiting)

Rachel is busy Flipping Out!

I mean seriously that is all Rachel does all day: FLIP OUT!!!  She does back flips, front flips, and cartwheels every place she is at.  I can't stop her.

It's funny because I teach dance and so I automatically want her to be a dancer.  She loves dancing with me and attends every class I teach but her heart is in gym.  If they would let her she would take back to back classes every afternoon.  I still fuss and worry about her with every class.  I worry about her lack of coordination she has when she is even momentarily distracted. The bars, the beams, the rings, everything is so big and she is so small.  I think sometimes this is God's way of making me trust him.

Nothing I could do would ever take the gym out of Rachel so I just have to have faith she will be okay.  Still I love when she is safely on the ground dancing but she will always be jumping for the stars right after.

Move Over Beckham and Renaldo...

We have Callum!  So as I often write gym is an ever-present part of our lives with our tiny gym bugs Rachel and Harmon.  Callum is doing great in gym.  He even earned a spot on the team fast track but this was the fall where we found out the truth about our little man.

He is a natural born soccer player.  We won entire games with him being the only person who scored. I really am amazed how coordinated he is and how fast.  He is shorter than other boys his age and I wonder if that gives him an advantage because he like this little rocket.

So this Spring Harm will be once more forced into T-Ball with a weeping wailing and gnashing of teeth but on the other hand we will have tiny Beckham playing soccer again and maybe t-ball.  He maybe small and like penguins, but secretly he is a rocket in disguise.

Let the insanity begin!

I'm getting to the point where at the start of January and August rather than excitedly looking forward to all my new classes I feel rather that I'm about to face-plant off a cliff.

It started this last week with the University reopening after being closed for the holidays and the gym re-opening as well.  The kids started school as well.  Sometimes I wish I could just stay home like we did for two weeks.  It was so nice and peaceful.  I love my work both at the university and at the gym but it is incredibly time consuming and while school is hard, I know working towards my goals are important too.

The sad truth is that if I worked less Chris would probably be on my case more at home (than he already is) about cleaning and other past times I dislike.  If you ask him me and the kids have been too lazy for his taste.  Financially we would also suffer.  So it's back to the grind!  I will miss the joy of having time to paint my toes with Rachel and build legos with Harm or just staying in bed late watching house flipping shows with Cally.

No matter what I do finding time to be a mom first is always my priority.  I guess in a perfect world the rest would follow easily.  Of course it's not perfect and that's life!

Halloween Cuteness and Scariness...

I always love Halloween but since my mom's funeral was that same week it was a wash for us but for funsies here are a couple of shots of what we did.

The best part was Rachel.  All of her girl cousins were Disney Princesses (each one) but no my daughter wanted to be scary.  She was the cutest scary bones I've seen!  But I loved Harmon in his Harry Potter.  He choose that because he is currently on book 4 and being a geek just like my mom he loves to read.  Than of course I can't say Harm and Rach were the best because Cally took his Wolverine so seriously!  It was so cute.

This year there were funeral flowers rather than decorations.  No costumes for me and no parties at the house.  Maybe next year.  But I'm grateful the kids had a great time and thats all that matters.

Ballet Shoes and Hotel Schools...

In early September I was offered a great opportunity, I'm doing graphic design and marketing for the School of Hotel Restaurant and Tourism College at NMSU.  It's been great.  I'm not used to having a real office in an office building yet, after working from my couch for five years; but it's an amazing opportunity and everyone is wonderful.  I get paid to do art.  It's so cool!  So find us on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter ;)  But that's not my only cool thing!

The dance program at Gym Magic has been disjointed since our wonderful Miss Jackie had to step back as head of the program about two years ago (although she still teaches Rachey on Saturday).  So I was asked if I wanted to teach a technique class since my first degree was in Theater and Dance.  I have a tiny little class and they are dollies.  It's not easy to dance even basic things with my RA but I am so grateful that with all the treatment I can do enough so the girls can follow and do it along with me.  I cursed those meds all Summer but I wouldn't be able to do this with out them.  Still, nothing stops me from tub soaking for an hour when I get home in Epsom Salts.  The best part is having Rachey in my class.  She loves me so much and she tells all the girls that I can love them but I'll love her more, and she is soooooo right!

In the next few weeks I am going to be deciding if I want to do the dance thing more and relaunch their program.  With everything that has happened it's been hard as hell to focus on my grad school.  I'm grateful for these two bright spots in my life.

Bottling Happiness!

So my doctor in El Paso had a big frank discussion today with me.  My blood tests showed some numbers that were lagging and some lost weight.  I got the whole, "I can treat your symptoms with medication but if you're not taking care of yourself it doesn't matter."  Afterwards I took a walk in my mom's cemetery and stumbled upon a section for small children and babies who had passed.  It made me think about close I was to losing Rachey and how precious each of my children are.

It made me realize that the only thing that has kept me going are my angels here on earth with me.  I don't know where I would be if it were not for them.  When I'm with them, each of them makes me smile.  I have to fix boo boos and break up toy fights.  They need balanced meals and warm clean clothes.  I watch them at the gym just nailing their jumps or I talk to their teachers and hear how they are being kind to other students.  We eat yummies and just always cuddle.

The fact is that you can't blame the flu on sadness but my doctor is correct.  Eating well and taking better care of myself is something I need to do more of.  But what she might not know is that I do have a magical elixir that has and will keep me going.   It won't be easy and it's not easy but I am grateful everyday for all my little joys.

And my mom passed...

For anyone who reads this blog or knows me in person, knows that I am a HUGE fan of Halloween.  Like Harmon told his teacher the other day, we do Christmas, Hanukah but our real holiday is Halloween.  This year though I haven't done much of anything and what I did do was more going through the motions for the sake of the kids than wanting to do it.

My mom in late September was transferred to a nursing home, the only one her insurance would approve and unbeknownst to me she was being neglected.  I don't know if I could ever forgive myself for not knowing.  She was transferred to Del Sol Hospital the first week of October with pneumonia, MRSA, bedsores, and severe bladder infection.  After 2.5 weeks treating her there, there was nothing left to be done.  As medical power of attorney I made the difficult decision that she either die in a hospital in far east El Paso or we move her to Las Cruces in Hospice care, basically giving up any other major medical intervention.

About 10 days later with her family all around her she died.  I was there those final moments and when she passed I could almost feel her joy in the room.  I knew she wasn't in pain anymore and she was happy.  I have full faith in Heaven and in God that we will be reunited again.  After all of that was funeral planning, she was buried in 48 hrs, and than services were held last Wednesday.

Now I'm sort of just trying to recover from all the shock.  Part of me wonders wants to just quit my job and school and take time to grieve.  The other part of me knows that will only make this so much worse if I do.  But I've not had time to grieve.  Since this started I've taken on so much responsibility to try and care for my mom and now that she is no longer here I realize everything I've lost.  She was my best friend.  We were like really weird twins who shared the same heart and now that she is gone my heart is just broken and empty. She was only sixty five and way too young.  She got sick on July 22, having been perfectly fine just days before hanging out at my house and she died on October 23.  Almost in three months her life filled with love and beauty just quickly burnt out and it makes no sense to me.

I know she doesn't want me wallowing in grief but I am hurting and grieving.  I've gone through so much in life and minus a couple of hiccups the only person that I've always been able to depend on was my mother.  No matter how horrible things got together we could laugh and smile through anything.  The thing that is keeping me going are my babies.  They are so wonderful and I know with them I will make it through this time.  Caring for them while helping my brother and father has been cathartic.  I know I will move on, I just don't think I really know how to at this point.