Closing the door...

"When one door closes, another one always opens!"  My mother when I was a child would always tell me that in response to a disappointment in hopes for a milestone.  I always hated that when she would tell me that.  It almost felt as if she were mocking all the hopes and handwork I had put into a small dream.

This Friday I had to decline my spot at ASU.  The funding was moved up from 2014 to Fall 2013 and I had to make the decision to go now or close the door on this wonderful opportunity.  I made the choice to go but when it came down to it my babies don't just belong to me but to their father as well.  I had to choose between going and risking a custody battle or to stay and let my dream go.  It hurts.  This was the chance of a lifetime and I've been working towards this since I was born.  To know I was this close to making it but now I have to back down and walk away.

My dreams are beautiful but the fact is that my dreams were nothing compared to my love and responsibility of caring for my children.  So I just feel have to figure out where to take my life and where to go.  I need to step away from everything I think and rebuild my life from scratch.  This is going to be hard but I know that is will be better for me than if I was risking my kids.  Those three are are more precious than rubies  Now I need to dust myself off and create new dreams.


“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”
Alexander Graham Bell, from brainyquote.com

Will you marry me?

Cally continues his crazy amount of cuteness in everything he does.  It broke my heart but he asked to shorten his hair and I agreed.  I always said I would never make him be something he didn't want.  I was relieved he didn't want a buzz cut though.  I think he looks just right.  While the hair did change not much else has changed.  

Callum is a funny duck.  His cleft drama I feel confidently is behind us so now he is just in a crumb load of speech therapy and slowly but surely his enunciation is improving.  Now his gym skills, well not really.  I sit there, like I did today, and just couldn't help but laugh.  This boy doesn't even want to do half the activities, he rather focuses on talking to all of the very pretty girls in his class.  He tries to hold their hands and give them hugs.

Recently he did a "Kid's Night" at Gym Magic and he just became obsessed with a young lady named Toria.  He loved little Victoria.  So much so that when he got home and couldn't stop talking about her for an entire week.  He told me he asked her to marry her and that she said she would.  So I guess he is engaged to get married.  Unfortunately since than he has continued to actively flirt with other girls though so I have my doubts they will make it to the alter.

While watching him flirt is hilarious I don't think he will be staying in gym for a lot longer.  He really loves sports and so we are currently team hunting for soccer.  He missed the cut off by two days last year for U4 soccer.  It killed him and he cried.  He spent all of Harm's practices, practicing on his own and he is honestly just fabulous in dribbling, scoring goals, and stealing the ball.  I'm excited for this season to let him get a chance to really play.  

Cally is growing up so quickly.  Both the twins are and that is hard for me.  I have always seen Harmon as the big brother so when I see him growing I get a little excited seeing how he is progressing and discovering the world.  With the twins though I think I selfishly want to freeze them in time because I know they won't be little forever and it is just going too quickly.  The idea that one day Cally will be someone else's sweet baboo instead of mine breaks my heart.  One day I fear marriage will be just around the corner for him!

Going no where fast...

We moved out of the suburbs a few months ago.  I didn't think I would ever move out of the suburbs because I love things being convenient and after having lived in LA and Vegas the idea of things being twenty minutes away did not appeal to me.  

But as the stress of "normal" life began to get to me I decided living in pecan orchards in a sleepy town sounded great.  So we live outside the city in the Town of Mesilla.  If you go to Mesilla it is known for it's little plaza and it's church which is an old Basilica.  The favorite restaurant for everyone is La Posta which is a place I would go to as a child and has exotic birds in the lobby.  There isn't anything outside the plaza though except for a handful of small homes and than farms.  Total is less than 1000 real residents.

The problem with being in such a small town is that the main source of revenue is traffic stops and to maintain the quiet atmosphere almost the whole town has a 20 to 25 mph speed limit.  So far I've not gotten a ticket but Chris, a babysitter, and poor Miriam our nanny has gotten one.  My brother teases me that he tries to set the car on cruise control to make sure he isn't speeding but the car tells him "hey, I don't drive this slow!"  It is nice though because I don't worry too much when we do walks at night.

The other funny thing is that I don't get mail service.  No one does.  So we have a bustling little post office because EVERYONE has to come there to get the mail.  It is fun because everyone is so sweet and I've gotten to know many of the residents.  Our house is on a narrow street where you have to take turns driving down because it is so narrow 2 cars can not be on it at once.  Most of the streets are that way and I think it is funny because I've only once been on the street and the other car didn't try to pull off the road to let me go.

It is a small town and it is a pain that I'm 20 minutes to Target these days but I must admit, I finally have my own little Mayberry!

I've just never seen him so happy :)

This summer I've been thinking of taking some time with the babies and going home to Vegas and visit my sister (and dear friends who I just don't ever see).  The thing that has been slowing me down though is that the kids are just having a great summer here.  I'm really loving my time with them and I'm happy to see them happy.  Cally is busy being Cally and Rachel is just LOVING her swim lessons.  But the one who is happiest is Harmon.  Why?  Well, JAZZ HANDS!!!!



Harmon loves gymnastics!!!  I shouldn't take so much joy in it but he is doing just really fabulous and I love that he loves it.  He danced to last year's big hit "Call Me Maybe" with his 6-8 yr old class and he just ROCKED IT even though he was the youngest in the group by a year or more.

Yesterday was his first week of the advanced boys class for 6-8.  His teacher warned me it might not work out because the amount of focus the class needs (they are doing things moms don't want to think about their kids doing. It focuses on male gymnastics rather than the more dance like general one he has been in.  He did fabulous though.  The kid who can't stay still for 10 seconds was a great listener and he shined.  He gets to stay officially as a Flipping Frog!!!  He will be staying with his girls too on Saturday (in fact he is there right now) but now he is also doing the "man thing" with the boys.  

He is getting to the age where he can start competing soon and I'm just thrilled with that because he is doing so well.  Harmon has often struggled with his esteem.  Since he was a toddler I fear he thinks "no Harmon" was his full name.  He is often getting himself into trouble at school and at home.  While we need to redirect we also really need to be more encouraging.  At gym Harm feels like a Superman and he is doing just wonderfully.  His teacher is always amazed at the end of the day how WONDERFUL Harm is doing.  I'm not amazed though.  Harmon is wonderful and I'm glad he has a place where instead of "no Harmon" his name is "wow Harmon".

For clarification...

In the past when I have blogged I have tried to be very accurate about what we have gone through.  A few months after my accident I went ahead and tried to remember what had happened and what I had gone through.  When I wrote my blog on Saturday it was in part because the urging of friends because I have gone through some of these struggles for years and I have not talked about it.

It was a positive for me to talk about what I have gone through because I feel for years I have chosen not to write because I have been scared to.  Things in my life are not perfect and that is okay.  With that said I do feel bad that others in Chris' family felt angry and upset.  For the record I don't think they are horrible people.  I see a lot of good in them.  I think they and I struggle and it has been hard and at times not pretty.  

My point was never to be mean, but rather just to express something that has really affected my life quite a bit and it still does. Joining the LDS church has been a challenge in itself.  Having married into as tight knit a family as I did has magnified many of those challenges.  I have struggled to feel a part of a church where I feel so out of place at times.  It is hard when you don't see eye to eye with people who are both family and leaders in a church. It has hurt and it has been confusing.  

I'm learning not to blame myself for having feelings and accepting that I hurt or I feel unkind at times.  Several close people to me felt a strain in church to be perfect and many of them have left because they feel they fall short or they see leaders and they feel those leaders fall short of their expectations.  Faith isn't meant for perfect people.  Nothing in life is and no person is perfect.  

This past year and a half has been surreal.  I never thought I would ever fly off a freeway or separate from my husband.  But looking back further I never I would ever get married, have kids or more over have twins.  The best things that have happened in my life have brought my hardest struggles.  I have seen miracles, had wonderful things happen, and I have endured sad things as well.  I struggle with my inlaws and that is part of my life.  It is a continual learning experience for me not to expect perfection out of myself or others.  One day my kids will read these posts and maybe they are struggling with their spouses or maybe I'll be in the mother in law seat.  Hopefully being honest and open might help them or help others in similar situations. 

Hold me Tiny Dancer!!!

Today was one of those days where I just really tired.  I woke up early to let Chris have a chance to sleep in so I dragged the whole day.  That was a good thing.  It helped me slow down.  The boys left earlier in the morning so I stayed and had girls time.  I painted Rachel's toes, did her make up, and taped her legs (kineseo orthotic tape we use rather than stiff orthotics).

I just felt so blessed this little girl is my precious daughter.  I feel blessed that we hardly ever butt heads and we get along quite well.  She is very smart and so determined.  This past month she did just amazing at her recital.  She is still one of the youngest in her classes and with CP, I can't help but be amazed when I see how much she has improved and how much better she is doing.  She holds her own plus some in her age group.  



Academically Rachel is doing great.  We finally got services for her CP and we are really excited next year she can just attend College Heights like her brothers rather than College Heights and DD-Pre.  Besides dance she is obsessed with swimming and art.  She is also obsessed with horses and begs me for a real one all the time.  That ain't happening but I love her spirit :)

Days like today I am grateful God blessed me to have her in my life.  She is a pint sized super hero and dolly all at once!  I love her!!!

Loathing

If you read my blog on a regular basis you know I am a total theater geek.  After all I'm supposed to be headed to ASU as a dramatic writer.  Anyhow the other day I was in my car and one album ended on my IPhone and a new one began.  It is Wicked, which is one of my favorite musicals.  Anyhow this song came on


Galinda: 
What is this feeling so sudden and new? 

Elphaba: 
I felt the moment I laid eyes on you 

Galinda: 
my pulse is rushing 

Elphaba: 
my head is reeling 

Galinda: 
my face is flushing 

Both: 
what is this feeling fervid as a flame, 
does it have a name, yeeesss, 
loathing unadulterated loathing 

Galinda: 
for your face 

Elphaba: 
your voice 

Galinda: 
Your clothing 

Both: 
lets just say I loathe it all. 
Every little trait however small, 
makes my very flesh begin to crawl, with simple utter loathing 
theres a strange exilhiration in such total 
detestation. It's so pure so strong 
though i do admit it came on fast 
still i do believe that it can last 
and i will be loathing, 
loathing you my whole life long 

I couldn't help but laugh and think of my inlaws!  I really feel like this green little witch in a sea of perfection when I am around them.   The saddest part of it all though is just how many bad feelings exist.  I think loathing isn't too far of stretch for the feelings all of us have for one another.  

The saddest part of it all is that they are leaders in the church that I still am a fairly new member of.  It is hard for me a lot to separate them from my faith.  I have never talked about how hard and sad this has all been for me.  Their expectations on me has always been to assimilate to their culture.  Rather than on holidays creating our own traditions for our little family, my husband and inlaws want us to do everything their way.  

Chris often takes their side.  He tells me it isn't "right" not to raise our kids the way he was raised.  I am often compared to my sister in laws and how they are Stay at Home Moms, have clean homes, don't waste money and of course do what their husbands want (especially when it comes to family events).  

Sometimes I am the reason why there are problems.  I admit, I'm stubborn like a bull and can dig my heels in.  I call it the snowball of death b/c they do something so than I'm mad and I refuse to participate than they are now mad at me and Chris is mad at me; than the whole cycle repeats!

A lot of the reason why Chris and I separated was because of this.  Now that we have reconciled I still don't see any of this changing.  I refuse to be anyone but myself!  Still that refusal is a pretty isolating feeling to be honest.  I really hope and pray for the sake of my babies get better b/c otherwise I have a feeling we will be loathing one another our whole life long!

Ariel I think must have been a brat!

When I was a little girl and I watched the Little Mermaid I thought she was super cool and awesome for following her heart and living her dreams.  Now that I have a precocious daughter I suddenly have more sympathy for King Triton.

On Monday the kids were swimming at our old house and I was helping a friend move in.  That day Rachey was with Miriam and I wasn't worried.  Miriam has watched them with no issues many times at the pool.  I had this really odd feeling GO BACK early and so I left my buddies and went to the pool.  The babies were getting showered so I started gathering all the toys.  At that moment Rach snuck away and wanted to show me how she could jump in the pool.  All I heard was "Oh God Rachel doesn't have her floaties"!  I turned around and saw her under water.  I ran over and put myself head first to grab her.

The crazy thing was that she held her breath for at least 30 seconds and was not even worried.  So now she has started swim lessons!!!  Very intense lessons w/no water wings.  We had her enrolled that afternoon.  She has the love of water and I just don't want to risk this ever again.  I love my little adventourrus mermaid and I don't want to damper her enthusiasm.  Just help her learn the basics and of course I will need to be even more cautious while she is in the water!!

Long way for some good news!

This morning I loaded Cally in my car and with the help of my good friend Johnette we drove too Albuquerque's UNM hospital.  It was one of those things where you don't sleep well for nights worrying, does he have craniosynostasis or not?  

Well he doesn't!!!  There is no doubt in this doctor's mind that it was a perfect storm of a poor circumstances: a poor ct-scan,plagiocephaly from being a premie, torticollis from being a premie, and this odd issue with his palette.

So where does that leave us?  NO SURGERY!!!  Healthy!!!  NO SURGERY!!!!!!  WOOT WOOT!!!!!!!

Yup, we still have speech therapy and monitoring from the cleft team but otherwise it's pretty much just...

And the best part they gave him a little toy for the loooong ride home!

It's a good luck bear which I think was totally appropriate because I feel like the luckiest mom in the world!

I finally got regular internet :)

What I don't love is that when no one knows if your house really exists than you have trouble getting basic services.  I have no mail service (no one in Mesilla does) so the whole town just gets together and hangs out at the Post Office.  Of course when I need to get non- PO Box packages Holy Hell is it to explain to UPS and Fed Ex that yes I really do live in a place that exists and yes I do need my package.

 Anyhow in addition to mail and utility nightmares I've been dealing with TV issues.  My home was an abandoned foreclosure and we are the first people to live in the home for 4 yrs.  So there were no cable outlets at first and than there were no phone outlets so getting internet has been near impossible.  Finally Century Link correctly fixed the lines and I get I high speed internet (I had been using a limited mobile hot spot). 

So that means much more blogging very cute pictures of my very cute babies.  The funny thing is that it has probably really good for me not to have internet... I've been painting the house, teaching my Harmon how to read, landscaping, and all sorts of things with little connection to the outside world.  Being unplugged maybe isn't always a bad thing.