For clarification...

In the past when I have blogged I have tried to be very accurate about what we have gone through.  A few months after my accident I went ahead and tried to remember what had happened and what I had gone through.  When I wrote my blog on Saturday it was in part because the urging of friends because I have gone through some of these struggles for years and I have not talked about it.

It was a positive for me to talk about what I have gone through because I feel for years I have chosen not to write because I have been scared to.  Things in my life are not perfect and that is okay.  With that said I do feel bad that others in Chris' family felt angry and upset.  For the record I don't think they are horrible people.  I see a lot of good in them.  I think they and I struggle and it has been hard and at times not pretty.  

My point was never to be mean, but rather just to express something that has really affected my life quite a bit and it still does. Joining the LDS church has been a challenge in itself.  Having married into as tight knit a family as I did has magnified many of those challenges.  I have struggled to feel a part of a church where I feel so out of place at times.  It is hard when you don't see eye to eye with people who are both family and leaders in a church. It has hurt and it has been confusing.  

I'm learning not to blame myself for having feelings and accepting that I hurt or I feel unkind at times.  Several close people to me felt a strain in church to be perfect and many of them have left because they feel they fall short or they see leaders and they feel those leaders fall short of their expectations.  Faith isn't meant for perfect people.  Nothing in life is and no person is perfect.  

This past year and a half has been surreal.  I never thought I would ever fly off a freeway or separate from my husband.  But looking back further I never I would ever get married, have kids or more over have twins.  The best things that have happened in my life have brought my hardest struggles.  I have seen miracles, had wonderful things happen, and I have endured sad things as well.  I struggle with my inlaws and that is part of my life.  It is a continual learning experience for me not to expect perfection out of myself or others.  One day my kids will read these posts and maybe they are struggling with their spouses or maybe I'll be in the mother in law seat.  Hopefully being honest and open might help them or help others in similar situations.