And than the world just stopped for us...

This post has been over a month in the making.  I'm still coming to grips and so it might be rambling on.   It is a post in honor of my mom and shares from my perspective what is going on.

For us this was an especially fun summer.  I was so excited to share on the blog how our first trip to Disney went and how the gym intensives were going and so much other interesting things.  That all changed on the 22 of July.  The week before my mom came to the house right before we left for the White Mountains in Arizona for a long weekend.  We ate popcorn, watched her favorite show "The Soup", and just had a great time with the babies.  My mom came down a lot to see me and so this was not a really big deal or extraordinary in any way.  Just another great day.  That might be the last time I ever really get to see "her" again.

That Tuesday when I came home my brother texted me and let me know that she had food poisoning. I don't think I thought that much of it, except to say she needed to go to the doctor.  "If only..." is something I can't get out of my mind.  That night we had a company event in El Paso and so on the way home I called her.  My father answered the phone and he doesn't answer the phone since he had his stroke.  I finally got my mom on the phone and she was completely disoriented and she just dropped the phone mid-conversation.  I texted my brother that he needs to get her to a doctor right away but never heard back from him.

The next morning at 5:30 am my brother called me and let me know she had been admitted to the ICU.  It was dire but at the same time it was doable.  She didn't have food poisoning she had ketone acidosis which is a side effect of having diabetes.  She didn't know she had diabetes.  No one had known.  She hates doctors and is very much a herbalist.  She hadn't seen a doctor in four years.  Her levels of sugar were over 800 and my father's doctor, who kindly took her on in the hospital, told me she was a walking miracle.  I stayed by her side non-stop, it felt like this was in no way happening. 

In my mind I kept thinking how devastating diabetes was going to be for my mom because my mom loves food.  I decided at about two am I was going to just help like she has helped me with my disease.  She was going to live with us for a while and we were going to learn how to cook fabulous diabetes friendly food.  I was going to solve this challenge for her just like she cares for me.  The next morning her awesome doctors and nurses were on board.  We were going to help my mom wake up, get her some broth and start her rehabilitation, but she wouldn't wake up.  She was less lucid the next day, and my gut knew this wasn't going to be a fight about tortillas.  At noon that next day the nurses sent me away to go have some lunch away from the hospital.

When I got back the nurses wouldn't tell me anything except you can't do anything with my mom.  She was waking up and I was so confused.  Finally the doctors came and they showed me her cat-scan.  It was a total daze.  Two tumors, one measuring 5.7 cm by 5.6 and 5.6.  It made no sense how my mom could walk around for perhaps as long as 10 yrs without ever complaining of headaches, blurred vision, or any other symptoms.  My siblings and I gathered together and we just didn't know what to do.  One doctor wanted us to do surgery and another doctor wanted us not to do it.  My uncle wanted her transferred to Phoenix but the insurance wouldn't let us.  

I stayed by her side and my brothers also stayed close.  My father has also been there every step of the way.  He had a stroke 9 yrs ago and it was my mom who cared for him.  Now he is caring the best for her.  My sister has been a phone call away.  We started the preparations for surgery.  Than 7 days since being originally admitted my mother was admitted she stopped breathing on her own.  I had been sleeping at the hospital and at around 4 am that morning I heard "Carmen, Carmen... and the crash team came in.  I stayed there quietly.  No one realized I was there.  My emotions were so mixed because I knew life support was not something she wanted but I couldn't be the one at that point to say stop.  All I could do was watch and hold her afterwards.

Later that morning, with my families support I signed off for her to have surgery.  At that point we felt we had nothing to lose and she deserved the best chance possible.  She went through like a champ.  She never stroked out and while the surgery took 4 hours her vitals seemed strong.  The days that followed we all watched and waited.  Before we had the hope after the surgery she might be fine but the surgery went perfectly and my mother remained in a coma.  That was so difficult to understand.  I couldn't fix this.  Finally a week after surgery they finally performed an MRI.  The tumor I guess had covered the truth, she had a bilateral stroke the night she was admitted into the hospital.  

That was hard to hear, at least for me.  After having gone through the stroke thing as a family and seeing the hell my father has endured I wanted anything but a stroke.  It changed the time line.  The doctors told us instead of giving her a few days, we would be waiting weeks and considering it was in the front parts of the brain and into the middle it would affect personality and consciousness.  My sister was able to come in and visit her.  As a family we came together with a plan to wait for now.  Give her time.  Another week passed.

I had taken my first break from the hospital this past weekend and took Rachel on our mommy/daughter trip to Las Vegas.  This week on Tuesday, exactly 5 weeks (I think) I was on my way home when the hospital had pushed to have a trach put in.  It went well but than my mother's heart stopped.  They brought her back again.  I got there ready to give up but instead of my mom in a coma she was looking at me and responding.  Yesterday she spent the whole day looking at me, interacting, and it was so real and beautiful.  Today the reality sat back in and her being awake waned dramatically.  I felt helpless again but I'm not forgetting the progress she has made. 

The story continues and for now life is just frozen for me in many ways.  I spend a lot of nights and every morning at the hospital.  I love my mom and I don't know how I could ever not have her in my life.  She helps me raise my kids, she is my dear friend, the one person who always believed in me (even when I don't), we hung out every single week for at least one day and I miss her so much.  She is just the kindest and sweetest person who did hardly nothing for herself.  She cared for me all the times I was sick, in the hospital with the twins, with the accident, pancreatitis, heart problems, and so forth.  I can't leave her alone and not feel horrible because she scarcely has ever left me alone in a hospital.  

At the same time my babies have lost me for large chunks of time and I don't want them to feel abandoned.  They started school and I've yet to post any pictures.  I am trying to show her the love she deserves and make sure my family whom she loves with all her heart is loved too.  I'm grateful I'm not alone in this.  My 3 siblings have really come together like I've never seen us come together.  it was amazing.  I wonder every minute practically if we are doing the right thing.  I love this lady so much and I wish more than anything she could be making these decisions.  I'm trying to fill her shoes but I'm never going to be her.

I try not to be angry at God.  I don't get why her or why both my parents have now suffered strokes.  I know one day in this life or the next it will God will help me make sense of it all.  I have faith that he has a plan and has not forsaken her.  Right now I feel like my heart is being ripped to shreds.  I can't comprehend really everything with out falling to pieces.  I want her to come home and be okay; but I just want her to not be in pain and be at peace.  To be continued I guess... I don't know what will happen but I will be there, along with her brothers and her other children, her husband of 45 plus years of marriage and her grand babies.