A very happy day and a very happy birthday!

I slept horribly I was so stressed out last night. I woke up at 3 with Harmon in the room and so I got up and went to the bathroom. I than proceeded to knock myself hard in the head after losing my balance on a door knob.

I figured this is an Omen... but it wasn't!

Chris burst into the room early this morning (he gets to work at 6:30 so when I wake up) bearing my beloved McDonalds breakfast singing Happy Birthday. Harmon and I had been snuggling together and it was just such a happy moment. He even got the twins dressed and fed everyone breakfast so I could enjoy breakfast in bed. I even lived on the wild side and let Harmon watch PBS for 30 minutes before our nanny got here (we never have the tv on) which let me just put up my feet for a few minutes.

Today was a good day and we needed that. In fact so many of birthday wishes came true! Callum did some serious walking all day long. He is now taking like 30 steps by himself. I think he might be walking really soon. Harmon was a doll! So sweet! I'm doing 100x better about the whole Rachel thing. It is what it is and I think I'm over the general mourning. The only times I got a little sad was when I noticed her struggling to do some of the little things that she so wants to do (for exmp. when she was trying to get on the little school bus we have and she kept falling off). With that said she is just amazing and I can never lose track of that. She actually built a tower in blocks taller than her tonight! So finding peace with her situation has probably been my best birthday gift.

Chris put a bug in one of my good friends ears and so my friend put together a surprise luncheon for me today. I had so many good friends there, it was such a beautiful treat! It was so funny b/c it was so much a surprise that I was in a meeting when my friend showed up so I had to run out in the middle of it. Everyone was understanding about my quick escape. Tonight Chris and I went to Buffalo Wild Wings. The kids love it there and so do we. It was a great ending to a great day.

Oh and here is a picture of the party we had on Saturday with some of my family.

The stages of grief...

Tomorrow is my birthday and so poor Chris has been planning my party for days now. We did have a wonderful time w/my family in El Paso getting together but it is hard to celebrate right now. I keep going through feelings of acceptance to anger to denial to sadness and back again. Chris also is grieving. It is funny b/c the whole time Rachel just goes around smiling her perfect smile as if telling us: "relax, it isn't a big deal... I'm a superstar and will overcome anything including this!"

So what do you do? I have taken up cleaning as a hobby and the number one recipient of this cleaning has been our pets. We have two AMAZING furry animal family members: Bob the cat and Mackenzie the dog. So I clipped Mackenzie, de-ordorized their bedroom (aka the laundry room), and even scrubbed the litter box. I would have done the rest of the house but we actually keep it clean. I guess I just haven't wanted to deal with it all too much. I don't want to research cerebral palsy horror stories on the web. I don't want to do fluffy Facebook stuff or message board notes. I want to talk to friends and family about this but at the same time I don't know how to reach out.

So I cleaned and clipped my way so I wouldn't think about everything. Tomorrow I have to rearrange appointments and meet w/therapists and specialists. I have to decide what therapy she needs and with whom we should do it with. I promised myself I need to get over my feelings b/c if Rachel isn't sad than I sure as heck have no right to walk around moping.

Tomorrow is my birthday and all I want is peace. This has been a hard 2 months for our little family and I just want things to turn around. I want Chris and I to be able to laugh and not worry about EVERYTHING that has been crushing us. I want to get good news about Rachel and for her to get the best help possible. I want Cally to keep those steps up and really start walking! I want Harmon to feel at peace and just be happy. I want to stop spewing green mucous all over my clothing and I want to breathe again. I want Chris to feel "caught up" with everything. We need a break. We need support more than ever and we need some good things to follow this storm. So is that too much to ask for my birthday?

In life you can't give up!

Today I think I hit my limit. SERIOUSLY! I finally got to that point where I could say "Heavenly Father I can't take this anymore!" Chris woke up in a sad mood today, there were problems everywhere I turned and still just overwhelmed with worry. Finally at around lunch time another crisis occurred and I just hid for a few minutes... and cried. Of course I came out and with a little prayer I just started dealing with everything. By the time the evening came I just sat and enjoyed my 3 babies and my wonderful husband. Now life doesn't seem so hopeless, just a little daunting.

So for those wondering I still don't really know what to do with Rachel's new diagnoses. I just know we need to be aggressive so I met with the pediatrician this morning. I than met with the social worker and she will be helping us gather information b/c I don't know much about cerebral palsy at all. I also coordinated w/others about getting the best therapy regimen to help her get as much control possible of her little body. Monday I will know more and I will update about that than. Whatever it takes Rachel is going to have the best help we can find and she is such a fighter I know she will thrive.

I guess that is the trick about life... even when things seem bleak you either jump back in or basically nothing will ever get better. I think I don't always want to jump back in but it beats the alternative.

Cute Rachel story today while I was meeting with someone he asked to borrow a pen. I lent it to him and Rachel saw him place it on the bar behind the couch. She climbed up the couch and back down to the floor with the pen in hand ready to write on the paper left on the floor. CP or no CP she is still a super hero!

Not the news we hoped for...

After meeting on Tuesday for Harmon I came in for today's special assement for Rachel filled with hope. I just knew these were the best professionals in the state and I just felt they would put my worries about my precious little girl at ease. Instead when all was said and done we learned that Rachel has a definitive diagnoses for Cerebral Palsy.

It makes sense now. Her reluctance towards people were that she was scared unfamiliar people would hurt her b/c her body is so sensitive. The shaking in the NICU and the first few months. Those crazy early milestones were not great signs but instead signs of a body and a mind not connecting. The high heel walking with the out turned feet, the arching of the back, the falling, etc. They missed these signs at Carrie Tingley b/c she had just started walking the week before. It was just bad timing. I'm mad at myself for knowing something was wrong but not doing more.

It is interesting though. They said she is doing amazingly well all things considered. She does things so age appropriate even though it is hard b/c she has a determination and a spirit so ready to learn. They were just astounded by how smart she was and what a great girl she is. I know that. Rachel is one in a million and I thank God for her everyday. She is such a special little girl. My pint-sized super hero.

If anyone can overcome this burden and prove every specialist and doctor wrong it is her. I'm just sad she has to do it b/c I know what it is like to be held back physically and it isn't fun. Today I've been crying while Chris has been an amazing source of support. We are letting the shock and sadness wear off. Many people on my Mom's boards have shared inspiring stories and it has touched my heart that so many of my friends through Facebook and here at home reached out.

I told myself by Monday I need to just get over it and focus on helping her overcome this. Chris said we can't throw in the towel. It is our job to be positive and not let this ever get Rachel down. This doesn't define the wonderful person she is and what amazing things she will do in her life. I know he is right and knowing Rachel she thinks the same thing.

Amazing lessons about my "special" kid!

Today we had the ECEP for Harmon which is a special evaluation done by a team from University of New Mexico. They come down from Albuquerque and the team is like Chris put it "the bad boys" of child development. They include a developmental pediatrician and several other PHD's from various fields like speech and psychology. It was just such a unique opportunity to have such a great team evaluate your child. They worked with him for 2 hrs. Grilled me for another 2 hrs and than came up with so much helpful information.

We didn't waste time on labels instead we focused on the fact that yes Harmon has a processing disorder (he takes in his world in a very unique way) but with proper support he is going to keep continuing to thrive and be no less successful than other child when they grow up. They reiterated that he is smart, sweet, and talented. Yes, he has an overabundance of energy, has faced delays, and can have some pretty good meltdowns but he is so much more than that.

The team has helped us come up with direct plans to help him continue his amazing upward process. We talked about challenges such as eating (he still hardly eats anything) and potty training which hasn't worked really at all. There are no magic answers but with continued support he is just going to keep thriving!!!

Nothing will be easy but when you are a parent it struck me that nothing ever is easy. In a way I'm glad we have had challenges with him. It makes us much more vigilant than if everything had come easily. It helps us celebrate everything and not take things for granted, not only with Harmon but with all the critters. Each one of our children is such a unique gift but they need our help to guide them. The more I can learn to help them hopefully will help them in their journey! It is a gift to be a parent (a very difficult gift) and so we want to be the best we can.

We have one more ECEP for Rachel on Thursday. I'm excited, we are going to learn more!!!

Crazy preparations (& a funny)!

For the most important news Callum took 10 steps all by himself today!!!! He is the man!

Okay so it is 10:05 and I haven't stopped at all since 7 am when I woke up. Tomorrow is a really important day. A team from University of New Mexico (ECEP) is coming down to Las Cruces for one week and they are seeing just a handful of kids here to evaluate them. We were supposed to have to go to Albuquerque to have Rachel and Harmon evaluated, but they ended up having enough kids here to justify the team coming out here. We are really lucky to not have to go up there but this is going to be grueling. It is a 4 hr evaluation with a parent meeting afterward. Tomorrow is Harmon and Rachel is Thursday. So basically I've spent the whole day just making sure everything is in order for the week including laundry, meals for the week, shopping, etc!

Our funny moment of the day was Rachel. This morning I just was very swamped and Miriam always lets herself in every morning. Rachel comes RUNNING to me screaming bloody murder. Miriam is gorgeous and has this really beautiful long hair but she has worn up ever since her first week and it was in the way; but she decided for the first time in over a year to let her great hair flow. Well Rachel did not like her favorite non-parental person changing. She was scared of Miriam for an hour. Remind me not to go blonde... I don't think my daughter would ever forgive me.

Mountain Adventures!

So what do you do when your wife has been sick for two months and had a rough time of things? You book a king suite and you take her up to the mountains with your offspring! Seriously it was such a funny surprise when I opened my e-mail Friday to find out I was bound for Ruidoso NM.

We stayed just Friday to Saturday and it was quite an ordeal to get there because we had to get dog sitting but we had a great time. Only downside was Callum missed his crib and tortured Chris but I was on cold meds so I didn't hear a thing the whole night! Restaurants were funny we kept stopping at places and asking for samples of their french-fries because Harmon only eats certain types and won't really eat well when traveling. We went to a place called Cattle-Baron and the employees treated the kids like royalty spoiling them with all sorts of goodies like pudding and cheese. It was a real fun 24 hrs!

I'm back blogging again!!! Lots of fun to share!!!

I miss blogging! I don't know who reads this but I miss writing. I'm still oddly sick (today they gave me a cat-scan which I've never heard of for a cold. The doctor thinks I have sinus issues and so I am seeing a specialist in 2 wks and he wanted the test. This is all so weird to me!) Anyhow I am doing substantially better and so I'm looking better at life!

So what has been missed? Well like I mentioned this week I almost missed Harm's birthday but it was still a great day. I will upload the pictures next week. His birthday party is going to go and be on February 5th. I mentioned Dion's Pizza and Chris got overjoyed becuase that is his favorite place and it won't have the distractions like Peter Piper would for him. He is so funny and sweet. He tells me and others "I want to make Mommy sooo happy!" and when he is frustrated he says "Oh bother". Dad's favorite saying is "yeah sure" when you ask him to do something and Gualita's favorite saying is "Oh man" when something goes wrong.

Callum is doing so well. He is soooo close to walking! He still likes to chill but he is getting feistier. He is realizing that he is bigger than Rachel and doesn't let her boss him around any more. He loves stealing Harm's grapes and tearing up Harm's train set. I think he loves our nanny Miriam more than Chris and I sometimes. He gets frustrated with us and he tries to claw our face but for her he just smiles and does whatever she needs him to do. Oh bother! Seriously he is such a sweetie pie and I know he loves us. We love hearing him sing. He can't speak but he sings songs going "ba ba ba ba" coordinated to music. He does complex melodies like Twinkle Twinkle. It really is amazing.

Rachel is such the princess. I could look at her for hours she is just so stinking cute. Her and I play for long spans of time on the couch just tickling and smiling at one another. She is my little buddy and follows me everywhere. This morning I was getting her ready for the day and her hair was still wet so I was waiting to put her bow on. That wasn't cool for her... she went and grabbed it and gave it to me. She hates to be w/o her bows these days. Her favorite Christmas gift was her little baby Cinderella doll. I'm proud! I want a girlie-girl. Rachel loves gymnastics (see above picture). She can already hold her own on a trampoline and is determined to conquer a balanced beam. Pretty amazing in my book if you consider she has hypertonia and was facing surgery. She always beats expectations. She still is pacifier and blankie addicted... just like baby Maggie from the Simpsons!

I want to hide! And Happy Birthday Harmon!

I'm sure tomorrow I will be much more in the mood in sharing my sappy feelings about Harmon but I'm still a little drugged on cough medicine still and honestly I'm just fried. Today was my first day fully out of bed. I'm really starting to feel better and I couldn't be happier about that!!!! Since The only downside is that once you have been out of the real world and sick in bed, than all of a sudden you get out and about and life hits you back.

With that said my precious little baby boy is just getting so big so fast. He is three! We still need to throw him a proper birthday party but we held a cute little one at Peter Piper on the fly. My parents and brother came. Chris loved it the most b/c we never go to buffets so it was a special treat for him :) Harmon only ate dessert pizza but he minded us well and had a great time. He later went out w/Chris' parents tonight. I can't believe he is 3. It goes by too quickly!!!!!!!!!

True Love and McDonald's Breakfast

Today I was really very sick still. It was definitely a sick day, but my nanny wasn't scheduled to come for an hour and the critters were waking up slowly (Chris gets into work early at 6:30 or 7 most days). Harmon had already popped into my bed to get me to get him his yogurt. The twins I knew would be up at any time. I hurt... I just didn't want to move. Chris called me and I tried to put on a brave face but got off quickly. Harmon got so sad b/c he didn't get to say hi so I tried to redial when I heard Chris coming through the door and Harmon started screaming "Daddy Home".

He had such a great bag in his hands. One of my very favorite things in the world! A McDonalds #4 breakfast combo meal. I don't eat it often b/c it isn't very healthy but it is one of my "happy foods". Yes I have watched Supersize Me but I figure everyone needs an occasional treat. Nothing beats a greasy sausage egg biscuit and yummy crunchy greasy hash brown. Harmon eats 1/2 my biscuit and a couple bites of hash-browns. He definitely shares Chris and I's love for horrible bad for you fast food :p

Chris got everyone settled and was off back to work as I awaited Miriam's arrival and much needed help. The rest of the day has been spent resting and things are looking up. Hopefully by Monday I will have this all licked. In the mean time, well...

(and Chris!)

I'm not dead!!! I promise!!!

Oh man I have so much to share still about Christmas, the latest critter news, and all the funny things going on but expressing myself in writing has been hard for me.

I'm still sick. I don't talk about my disease very often. I have advanced Rheumatoid Arthritis which is an auto-immune disease. They treat me by suppressing my immune system through steroids and other drugs. I try to take really good care of myself and in the last few years besides a small ailment here or there I've been fine. Nothing has really lingered.

This time it has been different. It started with a cold that started 7 weeks ago. It than turned into a double ear infection and a sinus infection. Now 3 antibiotic courses completed it now has turned into bronchitis and another ear infection and another sinus infection. A couple of times I thought I was almost better and than I get worse. I've stumped 2 general doctors and am being referred to a specialist who can't see me till February 2nd.

So yes this is the most embarrassing prolonged illness I've ever had. I didn't think it was possible to have a cold for almost 2 months now. I've missed so much and I am so behind on everything. I really apologize to all our friends whom we have turned down invitations for events, playdates, etc. Harm's birthday is Monday and we all know birthdays are VERY important events for me but I've yet to start planning.

Oh well, I promise to be back blogging when I rejoin the living. I am armed w/a prescription for everything now: cough, mucus, congestion, sinus, swelling, etc. Hopefully it means I will get better before the specialist appointment even happens. We have some big things coming up for the kids as well. So if I'm not on my phone or answering back an email right away please be patient! I'll be back!

No Habla Ingles and other Happier Thoughts!!!!

Today at the funeral I caught up with some of Harm's former therapists. It was so nice to talk and catch on old times. My mother is right, we should remember to do these types of things and make time for people now before the losses happen.

Harmon and Leo (courtesy of Leo's mom).

It was so nice to talk about how much PROGRESS our kids have made. Especially Harmon. I can't believe when he was evaluated in May he had less than 50 words and no 2 word phrases. Now in 6 months he can tell you his entire day and can put together 6 word sentences. He has a new friend at school, Leo. He LOVES Leo and Leo loves him. They give each other hugs when they see each other at school and Leo has even learned to spell Harm's name! His tantrums are less often and even though the holidays have thrown him off of his game I know he will get it back together.

He is funny though with the things he says. My sister had this beautiful sexy Halloween costume and she was showing us pictures of it and he said "Aunt Eliza put some clothes on!" He still sings all the songs on the radio. His favorites are "Dancing Queen" and "What's My Name" by Rhianna. He goes every where going "nah nah nah, what's my name?" My favorite thing was when I had Rachel all wrapped in her blanket and I was rocking her and caressing his face telling her "I love you my baby girl"; Harmon got all huffy and said "but I'm your baby!!!" Later that night I was working on the computer and he said momma can you hold me. I did and he said something like "Momma hold me like Mary hold Jesus. I love Momma. I momma's baby!" I think this is why he doesn't want to potty train. He doesn't want to be the Big Brother, he just wants to be the baby... I don't mind a little extra holding but I wish he would compromise and potty train!

The Beautiful Aunt Eliza and Harmon

The funniest thing is that Chris and I speak Spanish (he speaks beautifully and I get by). Now that Harmon is so intune with everything when we are discussing things we speak in Spanish so he won't know. "Una palleta para Harmon?" or "Vamanos a la Abuelitas?" My nanny and I do the same thing! I feel bad... we should be encouraging him to be bilingual and instead we use Spanish as a secret code language to pull a fast one. When my kids don't end up bilingual I will have no one to blame but myself.

Life and Death...

Thursday morning I found out at breakfast that someone I had worked closely with had died of cancer. She had battled a long time and so it wasn't surprising but nevertheless was sad still. I just had talked with her recently...

Tonight I was just relaxing out and catching up on blogs. The most recently updated blog was an old college friend who lost twins and later 4 of 6 of her septuplets. She mentioned that they now have a website so I checked that out and it lead me to a blogging journal of what the blow by blow of the birth and their struggles (and loss).

Vintage Rachel

Seeing those pictures humbled me a lot just now. I really was lucky that my little cupcakes are doing so well. We could have lost them. They were so tiny and so fragile. I just can't believe how blessed we were and are. Everyday we have life is a gift. Every hug from someone we love is a gift. It is those miracles that I get lost and forget when things get frustrated or hard but those are the moments that make everything worth living.

Auld Lang Syne...

I recently went on a blogcation these last 2 weeks. I didn't do it on purpose but the few days right before the holidays I just got so caught up in all the last minute stuff that there was no time. And than Christmas came and it was just for the most part very beautiful. I had a good time catching up with old family and friends. Christmas has never been better than celebrating with my little critters. I promise in the coming week I will share all of our neat experiences!

I would have been back blogging earlier but I'm still sick... it's getting worse instead of better. I'm on more antibiotics and will see a new doctor next week. This is truly the sinus infection and double ear infection FROM HADES!

I guess to start off a new year and to celebrate being back I would talk about three songs. Music always has a way of touching me. This holiday season the following songs hit me.

• "Grandma got Ran Over by a Reindeer": This was a very stressful holiday season and to be honest if Reindeer are doing hits, I have a list of a few I wouldn't have minded them running over. I promise I'm not a violent or vindictive person (I feel guilty killing ants) but it just this holiday was particularly challenging.
• "Auld Lang Syne": This has always been one of my favorites. The line "should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind" I always thought meant should you forget bad acquaintances and move on in the New Year. But instead, a friend explained it was the Scots way of saying don't forget to remember those you love as you start new beginnings. I liked that. There are so many dear friends who I am so far away from. I miss them. I miss my Abuelita so much and it has been 10 yrs since she passed. Life goes too fast and it made me think that I need to take time to reach out to those I love today because you never know tomorrow.
• Finally there is: "Winter Wonderland" and the line that says "to face unafraid the plans that we've made, walking in a winter wonderland". We have a lot of exciting things planned as a family this year. 2010 was good to us. I worry sometimes that means 2011 might prove more challenging. We have faced some daunting challenges, that there will be more. The trick is like they said: "face unafraid the plans that we've made".