Today was 31 for me on the 31st!

Last year for me was the big 3-0!  It was THAT big milestone.  Little did I know that my 30th year of life would be so much bigger for me than the birthday.

In one year everything happened and everything changed for me.  Now I'm a year older but I still look like I'm twenty.  I can rock a bikini proudly and I am figuring out who I am more and more.  My kids have gone from being my babies to my little friends (even though I still have to be their mom first and so though call me a big meanie sometimes).  

My husband and I have been through the most.  The accident and my illness almost ripped us apart completely this past year.  These last few months we have been striving to rebuild our relationship.   It has been hard but I think it is one of those situations where we are finally dealing with the issues that have always been between us like work and family.  We are dating more and talking more.  Today we played hooky and had a great time.  I got me some Longhorn boots!

So I decided each year I will make a mini-bucket list.  First thing on my bucket list is that I got a wonderful new opportunity and I'm starting it next week.  I will be working with one of our local hospitals, March of Dimes, and other local community resources to start an outreach and support program for families with pre-mature infants.  This does mean graduate school might wait a little longer but it is a wonderful chance to do make a difference.  I will be overseeing the marketing and I'm having fun with it already.  This was a real surprise opportunity for me but I'm so happy to have it, especially after what friends and family have been through this year.  

My Bucket List for my 31st year of life!
~Get my second degree
~Lay on a beach in the Caribbean with out the kids and maybe get Scuba certified
~Put my disease back into remission
~Teach my babies to swim without floaties!
~Improve my GRE scores and get at least a 650 on the GMAT
~Have a top March of Dimes team.  Last year we were 28th in the nation.
~Make this new Outreach and Support group into something that will serve our city for years to come!
~Start our own soccer team for Cally and our friends.
~Move into a haunted house with character.
~Go on a crazy road trip with my babies.
~Help get Rachel into a health plan that actually covers cerebral palsy.
~Move out of the area (perhaps Albuquerque???)
~Help Harm start Kindergarten
~Bee Happy!
~NO FLIPPING HOSPITALS, ILLNESSES, SURGERIES, OR ACCIDENTS!!!!

F is for Friendship

I remember when Harmon was small and just barely turning one I would be working from home and he would watch Sesame Street. There would be a letter for the day and a simple message.



Friendship was a common theme and it was always simple. We are everyone's friend. We all play together and love one another. It is simple and happy. Unfortunately that is not what life is like and my Harmon is experiencing it.

This weekend I noticed him bullying his brother. This is not Harmon at all and so I went to him and we talked. As I saw the tears in his eyes well up as he told me one of his friends decided not to like him anymore my heart broke for him. I tried to explain that sometimes people are this way. It is life. That it is his job to be kind to everyone no matter what and let them decide if they are going to be kind back. He agreed but he was still sad.


Yesterday he came back to me and told me today it was another boy who had decided today to not be his friend. All I could do was sympathize with him and reinforce the need to be kind. I couldn't explain it away. It sucks that people choose not be nice at times. Heaven knows as a kid I sometimes would be not nice to my peers and I often sat in Harm's shoes. Now as an adult it breaks my heart to see Harm in this situation. But this is life and all I can do is be there for him.

Birthday Wishes...

The other day was Harm's birthday.  It was my first day back at class and the twins first day back at school since getting the flu.  So at the last minute we went too Peter Piper Pizza and invited my inlaws and my family.  

That night at cake time we didn't even have a match to light his candle and dyslexic me picked out the wrong candle any how (I got a 2 instead of a 5, flip the number and it makes sense why I did it).  So we sang to him and afterward we told him to make a wish.

He told everyone "What I wish for is that we could all be together and stay together forever and be so happy together."  It broke my heart.  Those who read my blog or know me in real life probably get the feeling that family relationships have been tense and continue to be tense.  I try too shield my children from that but I know I falter and I know they can pick up on these things.  

I hope Harm's wish comes true.  I sort of have lost faith in it but perhaps a child's faith is stronger than I am. 

Happy Birthday Harmon!!

Dear Harmon,

Has it really been five years?  I almost you have been part of my life for so much longer.  I can't imagine what a day would be like with out you.  Honestly, you have been at times the most trying.  Ever since you came home you have been very determined to make the world know your presence.  With that said you have be my most gentle and thoughtful spirit I have ever had in my life.  There is not a day that goes by where you do not think about others.  You know when I need a hug.  You share your nap time cookie every day I am home because you know I love cookies.  You love to just hug and cuddle with me and you cuddle for hours!  When I come home late all you want is me to lay down in your bed and give you hugs. Your kind sweetness is mind boggling to me.  You love with all of your heart and soul.  I only hope each day I can show you the love you show me!!!!

What else are you doing these days?  So much!  This has been a hard school year with you going into a regular class.  You worry so much about everyone liking you but what you don't realize is that your friends like you tons.  The principal and your teachers always tell me how amazing you are and how you are full of love.  Your old teacher Ms. Sandy misses you and loves when you visit her.  You are a very smart boy.  You can write your full name.  You know your address and phone number!  You get so sad when there is no school because you truly love learning.  Your best friends still include Nathaniel from MeetUp and in school your friends are McDaniel, Silus and Ezra.  At home your biggest fan (besides me of course) is your nanny Miriam and your Auntie Eliza.  Each just adore you and spoil you rotten.

I think it is hard for you to be a big brother too twins.  I worry when everyone gushes about how cute the twins are you feel a little sad.  Don't!  You are wonderful in your own way.  Callum and you are best friends.  You are blessed to have him and he is blessed to have you.  I think you would be lonely if you didn't have your 24/7 playdate.  I hope you two will always be the best of friends.  Your sister Rachel drives you a little crazy and I know you drive her crazy.  Nevertheless you understand it is your job as a big brother too protect her.  You protect her so well and she loves you so much.

Your daddy and you still butt head a whole lot.  I think it is because you two are very similar.  I have no doubt if you decide to be a Hakes Brother one day you will be the one to carry the company.  You love to build things just like daddy and figure out how things work.  You can do anything you want!  You are brilliant and kind.  You can't lose in life.

Harmon, I just can't tell you enough how much I really love you.  I know you hate that I work and I go to school and that you miss me.  Truth is, I always miss you!!!  One day you will go on to serve a mission, go to college, and marry someone who will be as wonderful as you.  You won't want to sit and cuddle me anymore.  For that reason I cherish our moments together right now.  You are my life and I love you!!!

Hugs,

Francisca

Beautiful Life!

Our little family has had a loooong week.  Every thing is challenging when your kids have missed 5 days of school and I'm on my second sinus infection in 30 days.  I was moping yesterday afternoon when I began to look at pictures...

Holding Cally for the first time...

Rachel too sick to be held for the first week b/c she was on the respirator!  I looked at these pictures and than I looked all around me.  My bed had been invaded by critters.  Instead of tubes and small babies I had little twins calling me "Sweet Baboo" and "Jumbo Pizza'.  Everyone is all sick so they hang out in my bed just being silly.  It hit me we are so blessed!  2012 sucked but we are all here on the 2013 side safe and together.  All my losses were indeed made whole.

Today I received a text.  Chris older brother, the doctor one, had his baby early at 32 weeks.  His name is Justin and he is in stable but critical condition.  He is being airlifted to Albuquerque from Farmington NM because he is struggling to breathe.  In my heart I think little baby Justin is going to be just fine but that doesn't minimize the Hell my brother and sister-in-law are going through.  The sadness their older children are feeling.  The fact that mommy had to stay in Farmington because she had a major surgery and Daddy is in Albuquerque.  My heart breaks for them.

There is a little girl, her name is Riley.  Right after Christmas she got very sick contracting meningitis.  She is still in the pedi-ICU.  She just started waking from her coma and is moving her little ever so slightly.  It is a miracle.  When her brain started to bleed they worried she would never walk or talk or anything.  Each small milestone is just amazing.  I think of her every day.  I can just imagine how wonderful that day will be for her and still rough.  This is her blog if you want to be inspired: http://hopperhousehold.blogspot.com

Another close friend of mine lost her baby boy right before he was too be born during the holidays.  I can't imagine her sorrow.  She was so excited and we were so excited for her.  Last night at midnight she texted me, her fiancé and her set a date for next month to be married.  She has and older daughter who is Harm's friend.  She is an angel.  Her son was named Carson and although we never met him really I know he was very special as well

My brother's wife lost her dad the day after Christmas. We attended the funeral last week.  It was rough just seeing how sad my beautiful sister in law Marlena was.  Her Dad was a cool guy and having lost her Mom to Cancer when she was much younger my heart breaks that her dad couldn't be here a few more years.  He lived a good life and will never be forgotten.

Finally in March when I was very sick a friend of mine got diagnosed with advanced placenta previa and she lost her little baby boy (and they almost lost her).  It broke my heart for her.  His name was Jack and he saved his mammas' life.  I don't think I will ever go a week with out thinking of them.  I can just how beautiful and wonder he was.

I do not understand why some kids come into this world only to leave it before they ever could see anything.  I don't get why babies like mine and many of these other babies suffer so much.  It is heartbreaking for me to see so many wonderful families struggle these last few weeks.

I do not pretend to understand why these things happen.  I do know that it has made me more aware how beautiful life is!  If you believe in prayer please think of Riley and Justin and remember little angel babies Jack and Carson.  As well as my sister in law and her family that peace might follow them through this difficult loss.

I remember what it was like to sit in a hospital scared if I would lose my babies or not.  To go to lunch and everything and than go back to the NICU because of complications.  With all the pain Rachel's CP has meant for her and we are scared to see about Cally's palate I know this will be a life long process.  But my little cupcake twins and of course my little Harmon are my lights and love!!!  They amaze me and make me so proud.  Life is hard but it is beautiful, even when you are roughing it in the weeds!

Poised for Perfection or insanity...

On Tuesday I was devastated to open up my GRE results.  I did amazingly well on two of the three but I was heartbroken because well I didn't do well in the quantitate reasoning portion.  

It was a harsh reminder that I struggle with a need to be perfect.  I don't know where it came from.  My mother is laid back as can be.  Not me though.  Ever since I was a child I have been overachieving in dance, school, and even 4H grooming rabbits for show.  Chris is not any bit better.  He is OCD, or as my sister teases: CDO because the letters should be in order.  My poor husband can't sleep if there are dishes in the sink.  It disturbs him.  

Anyhow, Chris often worries our children will not be hard working.  His worse fear in life are them turning out to be a bunch of sloths.  I don't get the worry!  Already as mere toddlers they go too school, soccer, gym, swim, ballet, etc.

Also they are already they are showing signs.  Rachel loves to make everything beautiful and gets so upset if she can't wear something on a particular day.  She works on her dancing routines everyday.  Harmon loves learning and organizing.  When I told him we might move to Albuquerque or Phoenix he got upset and told me he needs to find a new school if we leave because "I need to learn and grow and be a smart boy".  Both really insist on being the first to do a new assignment or project at school and won't stop until they have mastered the skill like skipping or numbers.

Callum is already the worse though.  He has his father's OCD organizing each toy in his bed and if one is out of order in the dead of night he will start screaming.  I'll open the door and throws the offending wrong toy out my door and fall asleep.  He hates any sort of mess and really loves to please us in everything.  I worry about him, he needs more relaxation time.  But really all three are always striving to be the best in school, sports, or whatever.  I almost hate putting them in sports and school because I want them at this age to just relax and enjoy life.

Hard work is an important trait to teach my kids!  I want them not to rest ever on their laurels.  At the same time I am realizing I need to teach my kids how to just rest sometimes.  Life should be fun at times.  I often feel like Clark Griswald on National Lampoon's Summer Vacation: "Well I'll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun. You're gonna have fun, and I'm gonna have fun... We're all gonna have so much fricking fun we're gonna need plastic surgery to remove our damn smiles!"

The ironic part is I will never be perfect.  I am horridly dyslexic and I have a limp when I walk.  I talk like Minnie Mouse and my frizzy hair always is out of place. When I think about these imperfections I wonder if it is God's way that he reminds me that he is in charge, I will never be perfect in this life, and that it is okay.  So for one of my two biggest resolutions in my new year I am going to resolve this year to try not too fret about being perfect.  To sit back and have real fun and encourage my children to be likewise.  

Of course I take the GMAT this month so maybe I should wait on that resolution ;)   I'm starting classes next week, new projects, March of Dimes, and building a new house... yup, I'm doomed at least till May!  I really need to sit on a beach this Summer.  Maybe than I will have a shot of on being "hakuna matata"!

The Hunger Games!

I have never read the Hunger Games or had a chance to see the movie but I have had the joy of seeing it play out in real life.

Don't worry, it isn't with my children.  Rather it is a group of what was 6 Hermit Crabs that have been living in my bathroom for the last 4 months.  This was one of those random things that happened during my Fall.  One day in October our dear neighbors randomly gave my babies the gift of crabs.  You can imagine my amazement coming home from my Women Studies class late Thursday night and seeing Chris' text: Richard came by the house and gave me crabs.  Fortunately it was these guys...

The problem is that we started out with six.  I bought them some new sand and a better enclosure and sort of forgot about them other than the usual daily feeding and spritzing.  Than Chris one day in late November wanted to do a crab count so we counted them.  There were now only four crabs.  We searched for bodies but there were none.  Just 4 healthy crabs.

This deepend the mystery so a few weeks later Chris and I did another crab count and there were only 3 now.  Well I went too Petco and found out hermit crabs are cannibals.  Yup my crabs ate each other.  Now I go to the tank with severe apprehension.  We have one large one and two tiny ones left.  Today I did a crab count and I only spotted big boy and one little one.   Well, I guess another one bit the dust, but than as I was cleaning the tank I found the third one desperately hiding under the sand.  YOU GO LITTLE GUY!!!

I had some crabs when I lived in LA but mine were not this way.  They got along well.  I missed Chastity and Prudence.  I wonder with these little ones who will outlive and outlast the others.  Maybe my mother wants some crabs... I just don't have the heart to watch anymore :(  I should probably stick to cats and kids.

A new flu shot conspiracy!

 This year we did everything as we should.  We got our flu shots, kept everyone warm, made sure the holidays were not over exhausting but of course the week school started disaster struck: we all got the flu!

Tuesday I knew Harm was a little sick going to bed but by late that night he began running dangerously high temperatures.   Than it happened the twins and I woke up yesterday and we were running high fevers.  We all got it.  I can't believe my luck.  I really needed this week and the early part of next week to handle some basic work things that need to be done.  

We are all on the mend today.  Fortunately we caught this at the start and got treated right away.  Also because we did have shots it might not have been as intense if we hadn't.  Doctors think all the kids will be healthy enough for school next Monday.  If I'm lucky I will still have one or two days to get some of my odd jobs finished before my new semester finished.  I am so frustrated though b/c this is why we get a shot every 

Back to School Time :(

When the break started I was just so happy about getting a chance to be with my babies.  They were out of school, I was out of school, and so I would be working still but I would have so much more time to just love and adore them.

It wasn't that easy.  I had my GRE right before Christmas.  The day of my test I woke up so sick.  I didn't do that good.  It was heartbreaking.  I am a perfectionist and between having a flu like virus and just not having preparation time I just couldn't get my math part going (the other two sections were strong but the math was not).  So the rest of this break has been holiday stress, work, still dealing with the after effects of the first illness (picked up bronchitis this weekend) and just trying to really prep for the GMAT.  I can't try slide by like I did with my GRE.

The kids have likewise been struggling.  They missed their friends and the physical challenges that school has is so positive for them.  They were soooo out of sorts and with two 4 day weekends in a row it just caused more chaos.  Miriam has been their rock.  She figured out they needed really structured physical events.  This week we finally fell into a groove and we had some wonderful moments.

They tell me some of the cutest things.  Like Harmon explained to me that his "Dolly" (he has had it since he was little) is now his favorite toy because she reminds him of me and how I love him.  Cally is a pill.  He is very laid back and so any time Rachey and Harm start arguing he chimes in "I'm being good Mommy".  Even when Cally pouts though he is just so cute.  He fires me when he is angry at me.   Rachel is just delightful.  She is so girly and sweet.  She often times likes to crash my work and all she wants is me to stop what I am doing, take her up in my arms and let her know how wonderful she is and how much I love her!  She is so shy with strangers but when you get to know Rachel she is just worth a million dollars.

I will miss seeing them everyday and just chilling with them over breakfast.  It was funny because I thought school started on Wednesday but it actually started today.  I'm so glad I blipped the date.  We all had a great time today.  Miriam took them to the park.  Rachel went with me to do some errands.  The boys and I got plenty of cuddle time.

All this time I had been secretly excited about them going back to school I guess I just now am broken hearted a little.  My life is always more complicated when they are not at school but it is just so much happier when they are around.  You never realize how wonderful the day to day is until you face losing it.  I'm glad we got an extra day together!  I'm going to miss my little buddy pulling colors for me at Lowes and his joy every time he saw a bigger fridge.

Winter Profesional Pictures!

This year was a funny year for pictures.  We canceled our professional photos in May because I still looked like a prize fighter from my car accident with healing cuts and still in my cast.  Than we rescheduled with Allison for the Fall but she had an emergency come up.  She was never able to reschedule.  So I went to the inter-webs and I was given a recommendation for Tara Photographics.



We were really lucky that right before Christmas she had just enough time to squeeze us in.  The pictures turned out lovely and she was just wonderful with my babies.  Here are a sampler of the pictures!  Enjoy!