Tomorrow is my birthday and so poor Chris has been planning my party for days now. We did have a wonderful time w/my family in El Paso getting together but it is hard to celebrate right now. I keep going through feelings of acceptance to anger to denial to sadness and back again. Chris also is grieving. It is funny b/c the whole time Rachel just goes around smiling her perfect smile as if telling us: "relax, it isn't a big deal... I'm a superstar and will overcome anything including this!"
So what do you do? I have taken up cleaning as a hobby and the number one recipient of this cleaning has been our pets. We have two AMAZING furry animal family members: Bob the cat and Mackenzie the dog. So I clipped Mackenzie, de-ordorized their bedroom (aka the laundry room), and even scrubbed the litter box. I would have done the rest of the house but we actually keep it clean. I guess I just haven't wanted to deal with it all too much. I don't want to research cerebral palsy horror stories on the web. I don't want to do fluffy Facebook stuff or message board notes. I want to talk to friends and family about this but at the same time I don't know how to reach out.
So I cleaned and clipped my way so I wouldn't think about everything. Tomorrow I have to rearrange appointments and meet w/therapists and specialists. I have to decide what therapy she needs and with whom we should do it with. I promised myself I need to get over my feelings b/c if Rachel isn't sad than I sure as heck have no right to walk around moping.
Tomorrow is my birthday and all I want is peace. This has been a hard 2 months for our little family and I just want things to turn around. I want Chris and I to be able to laugh and not worry about EVERYTHING that has been crushing us. I want to get good news about Rachel and for her to get the best help possible. I want Cally to keep those steps up and really start walking! I want Harmon to feel at peace and just be happy. I want to stop spewing green mucous all over my clothing and I want to breathe again. I want Chris to feel "caught up" with everything. We need a break. We need support more than ever and we need some good things to follow this storm. So is that too much to ask for my birthday?
Wow, that is quite the list. And Happy Birthday! And do as Rachel tells you. Relax. It will be fine. Call me. I want to talk to you, but I only have your Las Vegas number. Wait, I am going to email you my number so we can talk. I hope you get all your wishes for your birthday.
ReplyDeleteI am reading this on your birthday, so Happy Birthday to my fellow end-of-January girl! (Mine was the 29th). You are an amazing mom and such a strong woman. I can't imagine parenting one child while dealing with my own illness, let alone 3 and you are a rockstar. Have an amazing birthday.
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